Confidence

Chris, I’m not confident because of the trauma I experienced from birth, by my family. I will never get to the point of forgiveness, because they don’t want forgiveness. They will go to their graves being haters. I’ve asked for forgiveness for things I didn’t do, just to try and salvage something out of our relations. Yet no apology or request for forgiveness ever gets returned. They just continue to taunt me. I finally accepted this when a Dr. actually ordered me to stay away from them for my own sake. But the truth is not setting me free. It isn’t going to set me free, because I have to do something to protect the innocent. I have come to believe that is my purpose, to protect the victims and seek revenge for us all.

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Chris Cade Reply:
August 18th, 2009 at 11:12 am

beth,

Thank you for sharing. I am curious, how would you imagine your life to be different if you had not experienced trauma at birth? How might your life be different if others were able to forgive you? How might your life be different if you could forgive yourself?

It’s not necessary for you to answer these questions here. They’re really just questions for you to explore on your own – though I’m am sure your friends here at Inscribe Your Life (and also within the Member’s Community) would appreciate hearing more of your story.

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beth Reply:
August 18th, 2009 at 11:25 am

@Chris Cade, It isn’t hard to imagine a life with love in it. Of course, it would be like heaven on earth. But that is only going to happen if we sent all the government home and start over.

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Shelley Reply:
August 19th, 2009 at 11:37 am

@beth, Honey, what does the government have to do with you finding happiness on a day to day basis?Love is everywhere all you have to do is reach out and grab it or better yet it’s much easier to find when you go inside and find the love you have there! For yourself…Self love is the #1 priority. You teach people how to treat you, someone who loves “who they are” would not tolerate any abuse, mental or physical from anyone, including your family.

I understand that you’ve suffered traumatic experiences from your family since birth, I understand what it feels like to be a victim. You had no way to defend yourself when you were young, you had no choice but to take whatever it is they were dishing out, and you did and you lived through it. Now you have a choice…Stay stuck in the past or create a wonderful future for yourself. It is a choice ya know?

You wake up everyday and decide what it is you’re going to do with your day. What do you choose to focus on? Things you cannot change? Or the imaginings of Heaven on Earth? What you focus your attention on grows….Focus on you….

You’re a survivor! You’re a strong, independent, caring, giving ,loving human being! Be those things always….all ways and you’ll find love for yourself which will lead you to forgiveness whether anyone else forgives or not. Revenge is an ugly word…..The old adage “What goes around comes around” works both ways.

I hope you find the happiness and peace that you so deserve,but you won’t find that by seeing with your eyes….Go inside you to the place that’s not touched by all your trauma it’s there….it’s what makes you get outta bed everyday….look for it….Love it
Namaste

thuranira Reply:
May 14th, 2010 at 3:11 am

thanks and God bless.but the video did not progress well today.it is pausing after few seconds.kindly resend

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Hi Chris,

I am going into my sophomore year of high school starting next week and I have been thinking lately how I can be confident while still being myself. In the past I have usually been very over-confident or with the complete opposite belief of that I am of no worth and no one could possibly like me. Both of which are not where I want to be. So I wonder how I can be myself, realize my worth while not trying to be “better” than other people.

So if anyone has any thought about this, I would love to hear them, Thanks

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Lei Reply:
August 18th, 2009 at 5:15 pm

@Moroni,

Moroni,

I understand so well the feelings of trying to find a sense of balance within oneself and I commend you for coming to this place and being able to articulate it at your age.

In my culture (Maori/New Zealand) we have a term “ira Atua” which loosely translated means essence of divinity. We believe we are all born with this “ira Atua” but often if we face any trauma or by the influence of others or simply by not being taught to continually nurture it, we become disconnected from it. Ultimately we lose a sense of who we truly are which can manifest in pseudo confidence or worse.
As someone who has suffered from sexual abuse and then went on to have eating disorders and depression I totally know what it feels like to be disconnected from my own sense of divinity. I have learnt though that as I became aware that I was totally disconnected from the feelings that i had once experienced as a child…that natural self belief and confidence, I realized that I could CONSCIOUSLY RECONNECT. I have now come to a wonderful place in my life where I no longer need to take any medication and no longer suffer from depression or some of the other ravaging effects that sexual abuse, (or any abuse) can have on a person. This is simply because I have reconnected to my own divinity by tapping in to power greater than my own.

I do not profess to be a guru or to spend my whole day meditating or whatever… I still have days that I struggle and don’t fully understand why I experiencce what I do, but I have learned that i can tap in to a power greater than my own at anytime.

I feel a renewed sense of confidence, I see that when others are abusive or seek to belittle people it is because they are disconnected from their true selves. I have more compassion. I am able to love and forgive. I find joy in this crazy mixed up world and it’s all becauseI know I have the divine right to seek for assistance from a power greater than my own.

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Moroni Reply:
August 19th, 2009 at 10:04 am

@Lei, Your words have a lot of meaning to me, I have felt very strongly to reconnect with some level of my higher self before and my creator but it hasn’t really been a conscious goal. I know that all of my life experiences have been trying to teach me this lesson of finding peace and wholeness.

I have felt very misused as a child as well an still do, experiences that probably forced me into a place far away from my divine self, disconnected from my feelings and what truly matters in life. I have felt before that I am simply going through motions in life and things really don’t have any important meaning.

When I was 5 my parents were divorced and I feel like I haven’t had any meaningful connection with them ever since.

It’s almost as though I have chosen to tune-out of life, and haven’t gone back to the same place again.

I looked up the word “abuse” in the dictionary and the antonyms were: Cherish, defend, help, preserve, protect, respect. I don’t think any of those were in my parent’s manual.

I was at a seminar class about four weeks about that was called remembering wholeness. Afterward the teacher came back to me and asked bluntly “Were abused as a child?”, I didn’t even know what to say, but I felt that hurt inside and all I could to is cry. I was told that even though these things that happened weren’t my fault they were “still in my backyard” and I had to deal with these problems now, or they may stay forever.

This has led me to the point that I understand I cannot do this on my own. I cannot handle this on my own, no matter how many people say to take control of my life, and push through to the end. I cannot do it without something greater than me, something to hold on to. Something much stronger than me anchored in something that I can trust and believe in.
Whenever I think that I can do this on my own, I fall. It’s been a lie I have been telling myself this whole time that I really can make it on my own, that I don’t NEED anyone’s help because I am ENOUGH, and I know that I am enough to be me, but I can’t be more than me, and I can’t hurdle myself into salvation, it is impossible. So that’s the truth of my life.

Now only trust in God will show me the next step, Thanks =)

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Lei Reply:
August 19th, 2009 at 5:03 pm

@Moroni,

It’s a privilege to have shared and to have received…and this is something that i find so often. When I let go of the strangle hold I sometimes have on my life and surrender and open up enough to share a part of myself, so often there is connection. We see ourselves in other people’s experiences and we assist each other in growth. So thank you for your initial sharing…it prompted something in me, and the miracle is, as we connect we start to heal.

I look back at things I did to cope and acknowledge I disconnected in order to survive. I couldn’t bear the pain I was experiencing so it was easier for me to cut myself off from it. I am learning though that as Helen Keller said, “the only way out is through”… we have to address things if we want to move on.

Another term in my culture is “aroha”, which translated means love. But if you break the word up “Aro” means to face and “ha” is breath or to breathe. (like Chris’s comment about pausing and asking what is the truth?). We can only truly love when we face things (connect) and we assimilate it or bring it inside; when we make it part of ourselves just as we breathe. Interestingly when a person says sorry in Maori the term used is “arohamai” or show me love. And so as we make mistakes and come to a place of seeking forgiveness what we really need is to admit is that we have wronged and that ultimately we need love.

Sorry about flying off on my own wee tangent but it feels so good to share…

My last thought is, do you know the origin of your name?
It was your name that initially caught my eye and finding out the origin may assist you on your way… maybe its a gift :0)

Moroni Reply:
August 19th, 2009 at 10:19 pm

@Lei, Thanks for responding again, I love to share =). It is amazing I feel much better after simply talking about things that aren’t often expressed. I already feel much better and resolved about these things.

to your response, I do not really know the origin of my name. I was made fun of a lot because it is unusual and so I do not often say it with much confidence. So I would love to hear anything about it.

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Ed Howes Reply:
August 19th, 2009 at 11:05 pm

@Moroni, If I am not mistaken, Moroni was the angel who gave the Book of Mormon to Joseph Smith which started a new religion.

Love and Blessings X 10,

Ed

Chris Cade Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 11:27 am

Moroni – I think it’s no mystery I’m a big fan of expressing some of the things we don’t often express. Thank you for sharing

Chris Cade Reply:
August 18th, 2009 at 11:21 pm

Moroni,

You are light-years ahead of where I was at in high school.

I didn’t even realize I had low confidence and was trying to make up for it. Yes, I was depressed and cocky and arrogant… but it never occurred to me I might have issues with my confidence.

The awareness you have of yourself, and the desire to truly find balance – I believe that those two qualities alone will be significant in your journey.

If I could advise one thing – instead of ‘reacting’ to situations, pause for a moment and be curious. Ask yourself, ‘What is the truth here?’

Sometimes the truth is not what we think it is… and by pausing we find a greater wisdom than if we react immediately.

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Moroni Reply:
August 19th, 2009 at 8:18 am

@Chris Cade, Thank you, I think that is a good idea. If I nstead of being caught up in whose right and whose wrong, simply wonder what is true in the situation, then all of that doesn’t matter.

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Gammadian Reply:
May 13th, 2010 at 6:19 am

@Moroni,

To be ourselves we must know ourselves. Life is that opportunity, celebrate it.

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Many stole my confidence. Teachers, peers, husband, my boss. But, I’m glad I’m grow and able to pass all over my shoulder and move on with my empty bag of confidence. It doesn’t matter what I didn’t accomplished yet! I still have it. It doesn’t matter who else on line waiting to steal it…I’ll still have it! I learned that the best person to encourage me in life is me. Hence I’ll always keep my confidence in everything I do, even if it turns out to be a failure, I’ll have a confidence of getting on and trying again tomorrow.

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Chris Cade Reply:
August 18th, 2009 at 11:25 pm

Dinnah,

Your comment reminds me of this quote:

“Courage does not always roar. sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” – Mary Anne Radmacher

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Just a quick comment on ‘confidence’, I was going to say that being over confident is no better than being under confident, which is basically what Moroni is sharing above. I too would like to know how to be myself and be accepted. However I don’t think anyone is ever going to be accepted by everybody all of the time.
I also ask myself why and where do we need confidence, in every area of life of just some, and is it a learnt skill that takes practise like many others?
I think I can relate best to being confident when I am talking about something I really believe in and feel is important.
Maybe a lack of confedence can spring from not knowing who we really are and what we really want or believe????????
These are only initial thoughts, I really need to think some more before writing anything else, I am just offering my first responses to the email and video above. Interesting subject – obviously very worth thinking about.
Carol

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Chris Cade Reply:
August 18th, 2009 at 1:12 pm

Carol,

I agree that I don’t think anybody will ever be accepted by everybody all of the time. In my own travels, I’ve discovered that my true confidence is the ability to feel “ok” as me regardless of who I am with, where I’m at, and who might be judging me.

In my experience, ‘true’ confidence is independent of external judgment; while the false/manufactured sense of confidence is when I was trying to over-compensate for feeling judged.

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two types of confidence I have learned about are ‘core self esteem’ and ’situational self esteem’, which I believe is what you are talking about…writing stories and thanking your ‘younger self’ for surviving will be very healing for some. Instead of worrying about forgiving those who have hurt us…I believe in reciting what I am grateful and thankful for, as often as I can…forgiveness flows naturally from this…

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Chris Cade Reply:
August 18th, 2009 at 1:08 pm

Lana – It’s probably no mystery that your suggestion about writing stories to thank your ‘younger self’ is something I’m a fan of

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Lana Reply:
August 18th, 2009 at 4:35 pm

@Chris Cade, I’m glad to know you are a fan of thanking your ‘younger self’ for the smart decision you made. I guess we can only make decisions based on the information we have at any time. Interesting blogs on confidence…obviously a huge topic for most of us!

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Chris Cade Reply:
August 18th, 2009 at 11:26 pm

Lana – it took me some time to be grateful for all of my experiences… the good and the bad… the happy and the painful. Easier said than done, that’s for sure!

Hi Chris ,

wonderfull what you do,thank you. My story in short.By beeing 10years old I was made realy nasty comments about my belly from my father it hurt pretty much than and it still does.By beeing 12years I was having eating disorders,stopt eating to NOT to have a big belly and do not dissapoint my father.Since than I have real troubles all the time on that field with eating and people controling me all the time and on the field with men it is NOTHING at has been nothing, because I am so scared of hearing AGAIN in some way you are FAT.

I am 33 years old and feeling like 50,now I am not making funn.Not living at all.Just to work and home.I want SCREAM.

Thank you for having the possibility to share my story.
PS: I am sorry about not perfect english,hope that you will understand anyway.

) Svetluska

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Chris Cade Reply:
August 18th, 2009 at 1:39 pm

Svetluska – your imperfect English is welcome here! I understand you clearly, and I appreciate you sharing your story

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Marketa Lopezova Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 12:23 pm

@Svetluska, thank you for sharing your story. It is brave to share your story in other language then your native. Here you can feel supported even you want to scream. I notice your name, which sounds to me familiar and it means “shining”. Wish you a lot of love,
Marketa
PS.My english is not perfect as well.

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I believe I was very confident as a small child but abused by my parents and my brother, I remember at some point before or about
age 5 having nightmares I could never explain. It was very abstract,
like being smothered or trying to outrace clouds or “veils” overtaking me. Sometimes I think or realize that experience was the
closure of my connection to my Spirit Connection. The dreams stopped being evident at some point…but periodically I got the “feeling” that was the same as I had before the dream. Taking a class in “art
for the elementary school teacher” every time I brushed the bristles
to my project I could feel that feeling, enough for me to stop, listen, feel and ask what I needed to do or know. As I have questioned who I am and why am I here I have more often felt like I just couldnt wake up to the answer. Religions and counsellors have all failed. The best experience I had with myself was brief, with
Science of Mind, in which I actually experienced a physical healing
myself of a deep cut on my hand. Also had Out of Body experience.
My studies to become a nurse, marriage and motherhood 5 years after one miscarriage and one therapeutic abortion due to cervical dysplasia
and being told I would likely have an incompetent uterus…plus dealing with nursing instructors much less than understanding or supportive…I found myself always trying harder to succeed and to please…being ridiculed and misjudged all along the way. In nursing
I had a sense about who we were going to keep and who we would let go.
Frequently I was right there for a passage through or return from the portal. I became a hospice nurse after we had my father on hospice services during his passage. I have found hospice nursing one of the most satisfying experiences of my life, yet I still didnt take time to face my own mortality even though I had a few near death experiences of my own. I was always “needed somewhere else”. To make a long story short, I have returned to Science of Mind and making some inroads to myself. I told a metaphysician last night,
I am asking why I would have chosen this life wrought with pain, struggle and anxiety. Course in Miracles and meditations have revealed the contrast between fear and love; and it seems presently
without work, in Grief workshop (Grief.net), I am confident one minute that all will be well, that I won’t be homeless or lose my car and a blubbering frightened child the next. There have been few if any to turn to for help, comfort or answers. As I have been writing this I have been getting some inner urgings to call a family member
who I was very close with growing up; also a long story how we grew apart; so perhaps on follow-up I will write further on the outcome.
Let us suffice it to say this is a cousin who is a pediatrician and was friends with my brother who died and never told me. I chose this life I am told for my growth. I hope to learn how to overcome fear and what resolve WILL come of it; Love being the answer. BEST LOVING RESOLVES TO YOU ALL. Laura

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Chris Cade Reply:
August 18th, 2009 at 1:45 pm

Thank you for continuing to share more of your story with us Laura. It can be interesting to sometimes notice the relationship between writing our stories and experiencing more inner urgings, intuition, hunches… many names for the same experience.

I look forward to hearing about how these inner urgings unfold for you!

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Hi Chris. In introduction, I am a 52 yr wise woman, who I believe was born and raised with a high level of confidence (a natural leader type perhaps a bit competitive even) UNTIL … at age almost 26 (1 1/2 months prior to 26th birthday) in June 1983, as a temporary stay-at-home mom with my 2 daughters aged 4 and 2 at the time; I was asked to do a friend a favor and take on the childcare for a short while of four children being cared for by another close friend who had been seeking employment and was just requested to report for work the very next day, and of course I was willing to help out. This could become an incredibly long story, so here I am going to cut right to the core impact upon me that day … a 2-yr-old child died while in my care that day (or as I prefer now to state it … a 2-yr-old innocent child was lifted to GRACE that day) while in my care and under my responsibility. I was not aware the child was intrigued with getting into open (unlocked)cars or could even do so on her own without assistance. She did so that day and perished due to the extreme heat within the sealed car following shutting the door. I, four years later, was legally pronounced responsible of “negligent homicide.” The events of that day shall be forever seared in my mind and it has taken the rest of my life to attempt to come to grips with why I (a mother and individual who dearly loves all children) was involved in such a catastrophic event. The self-questioning and immediate self-doubt that followed (virtually still to this day) haunt me. I have come to realize that is one “WHY” in my life that may not be fully answered until my “days of grace”. I have reviewed the gambit of evaluative answers … perhaps I was the only one of close connection with sufficient self-confidence at the time to relatively pull-myself-back-together after the incident (I would rather have lived the incident than to have the mother face it or my best friend for whom I was doing the favor). Like I said before, I have not as yet reached an acceptable “answer” to my questioning mind. My life has gone on, my daughters are now well-rounded grown adults with children of their own. I have gone on and pursued a good personal and career life. But, that day/event had an indellible impact upon my confidence and desire to hold responsibility or leadership roles ever again. I have and I do, but I must face and over-rule great fear each and every time. I have learned to accept that we as individuals are sometimes key elements in a far more universal role (and sometimes we certainly would not have chosen that role for ourselves). I guess I still need confirmation that my thoughts are on the right track.

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Sue Reply:
August 18th, 2009 at 10:35 pm

@Brenda, I would like to thank you for having the courage to write your story to us all. I hope that you can one day find it in your heart to forgive yourself…the innocence of that beautiful 26 year old woman, mother and friend is so pure and true. It is a wonder that you could endure such pain; and you did….the proof of the beauty in you is the wonderful women you have raised. Thank you!

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Chris Cade Reply:
August 18th, 2009 at 11:31 pm

Hi Brenda,

While I would love to be able to say “Yes, your thoughts are definitely on track!” I must forewarn you that my style is, generally speaking, one of encouraging others to rediscover their own innate powers.

What I will say is that based on what you’ve written, it sounds to me like you’ve got some meaningful and powerful insights… there’s wisdom and strength within you that is starting to peek out.

Allow that opening to continue to grow and trust your intuitive instincts… not the thoughts… I mean those deep gut *feelings*

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Confidence is in the moment you wake and fall to sleep.
You can have it or let it go.
We make the decisions.

All we have is ourselves at the end of the day and at the beginning.
We are all really unique because there are no two humans alike.
We can only thrive on our blessings, food, health, love and people connections.
All is really well.

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I feel I present a confidence that I do not have. I feel scared to go the extra mile, to jump for the ball, to push it over the limit. It is an inner confidence that I lack or the fear of failure or just fear that I have that stops me from going further, all the way, to the edge. I stop my self from laughing, crying, having fun, experiencing the world fully because I do not have the confidence that what I feel is right, how I act is right. I do not want to be judged and so by fearing this I loose my confidence. I have such a deep pain in me that I could cry for a month. I feel it well up but am worried about the judgements that others will make or that I will make of my self of them, and so i hold it in. I do not trust my self that what I feel want, need and desire is right or good. I lack the deep inner confidence and see it in others and wish that was me, i wish I was good at things.

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Chris Cade Reply:
August 18th, 2009 at 11:34 pm

Casey,

Thank you for sharing how you feel. I am curious – do you remember who or what experiences in your youngest years caused you to lose your confidence? Parents? Siblings? Peers?

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Casey Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 2:50 am

@Chris Cade, I read your question and I am crying, why? I have so much pain and sadness and it is so deep that simple questions like the one you asked make me cry. To let all the pain out feels so hard.

I know I lacked confidence before I was 9, before we moved from California. I have no memory of family problems then, just school and friends.

At school we had to do a spelling B and I was the first one called up infront of the whole school assembly to spell a word. I spelled “Accident” wrong and was horrified. I was sent back to my seat crying and along the way one boy said ” your just and accident, a c i d e n t”. He was mean and cruel and teased me for weeks afterward.

I am working with it alot now, trying to realize that what could have happened, what should have happened and what might have happened are not things I can change, we live in the here and now and long conversations about those other things only distract me from where I am now)

Since then I have always spelled words in my head and even whole sentences. I am still terrible at spelling, so much so that if I can not find the right way to spell a word I use another one.

When trying to speak a new language in school I always spoke the words in my head (in my head I speak perfect French and Spanish) but never had the confidence to do this out loud.

Now I live in a different country and must learn and speak this language to exist here. I am building my confidence, but one comment and I am back to spelling words in my head and beating myself up for weeks about that comment.

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Chris Cade Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 11:18 am

Although I don’t know the specifics of your life and the lives of everybody who came into contact with you, I would venture to say that kid who teased you was probably told by his parents that he was an accident… and that child was probably acting out his own pain.

Have you watched the video on ‘Forgiveness’ yet? It’s also on this blog. If you haven’t watched it, check it out. If you have watched it, watch it again

One thought I have is – next time you are set back by a comment, make a conscious decision to beat yourself up just a little bit less. If you’d normally beat yourself up for 30 days, then just beat yourself up for 29 instead. And on the 30th day just remind yourself, “I’ve beat myself up enough about this for now. Let’s let it rest.”

And then the next time it happens, instead of 29 days… just beat yourself up for 28 days.

To be clear – I’m not suggesting that you “should” beat yourself up or that you “deserve” to be beaten up. In fact, my belief is the opposite – that you and everybody else deserves joy, peace, happiness, abundance.

However, I also understand that often change does not occur overnight. Rarely is change instant. So rather than try and tell you some generic advice that will only serve to fill your mind with more “stuff,” I’d prefer to give you something very practical that uses small steps to take you to your desired goal.

Every great goal in life, accomplished by anybody, began with the smallest of steps. And then another small step. Eventually, those small steps add up.

Hi Chris, I lost my confidence since I was a child too, my mother has always been a very critical and controling person. At a realively young age a had succes , money and love wich non of my family member had in their time, then a started losing everything and they never helped me in any way.Today I realised that my mother is a very sick woman, but has a child I could´t defend myself from her agressions, I was never good enough for her, but for the outside world I was nice, beautiful, and talented, I could´t understand why, to me everybody seemed to be nice and ok and for my mother everybody were ploting against her. All I did was to get my family aproval and love, the more I tried they would ask for a little more!! A black hole to be fullfilled!! Terribly confusing scenario!Today I realise this but for a long time I was a depressed person , lost money, marriages and oportinities in life without knowing why, I still don´t know. Maybe my lack of self steem and aproval from my mother and uncles was just jealousy or perhaps just their own inner problems reflected on a little child. Sorry for my english!!! I´m glad w´re connected!!

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Chris Cade Reply:
August 18th, 2009 at 11:39 pm

alis,

You’ve discovered an incredible insight — that the people who undermined your confidence had their own issues that caused them to behave the way they did.

It’s interesting to consider the idea that what they did to you was not personal… and was never even about you.

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Hi Chris, Yes I can relate to your story – I used to call myself Thomas the Tank Engine (English equivalent of the Little Red Engine that Could, I suppose). Thomas used to say – ‘I can and I will’ and I could and I did. I achieved in many areas of my life often against tough odds.

I remember as a well-paid senior executive I would often sit in my office, terrified that people would ‘find out’ how crap I was (even though I was very successful in my work). It was a feeling which haunted me all my life. No matter how ’successful’ I was, I always felt ‘they’ would ‘find out’ about me.

In social situations I would mesmerise people with exciting stories of things I had done, get them to focus on my persona. Everyone would see me as a confident, entertaining, successful woman and would never get to see the real me.

I was raised in a home where my father drank and eventually killed himself when I was 19. I now realise that I over-achieved so that my dad would be proud of me and stop drinking. After he died, I told myself it was because I wasn’t good enough.

Through the help of a 12 Step programme, I now realise that my father’s drinking and suicide was nothing to do with me. I am learning to know that my worth is intrinsic and not because of anything I do or achieve. I am more authentic today, more able to show my vulnerabilities and in fact let go of my high-flying jobs to do what inspires me rather than what impresses others.

Sometimes I still find myself feeling frightened and insecure but by working with a power greater than me, I am able to release these feelings and step into my authentic power. I am learning that I, like every human being, am worthy of love and respect just for being here.

Thanks for telling your story and allowing me to tell some of mine Chris.

Love and blessings

Ann

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Chris Cade Reply:
August 18th, 2009 at 11:42 pm

Ann,

Thank you for sharing! I was laid off in April and am giving my heart-based endeavors (like Inscribe Your Life) a full go… and sometimes I too have my doubts and fears.

And like you, the more I trust in a power greater than myself the more I am able to embody my authentic power more deeply.

Thank you for being an inspiration to be during this very challenging time in my life!

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Hey Chris.
I had an super religious up bringing by chronicaly ill mother and father that would whip me if I fought, no matter the reason. On top of that I was always sick myself and never leaned to fit in….by the time I was in my late 20’s I could forgive some as I was parent and made some huge mistakes.
Most of my adult life, I’ve been alone, only for short periods of time having any happieness and choosing women that are wrong for me. No I’m far from that whimpy little sick kid that I was, but now I can can barely controll my rage. In the grocery store, I’ll notice my knuckels turning white holding the buggy handle…. and I’m constantly on guard everywhere I go, just waiting for someone to smart off, or put me down in some way…. This is no way to live.

For years in my youth, I always helped others and was “God’s Little Servant”, “moma’s and Grandmaws Helper”, “daddy’s Little Man” and an Looser all around…. I’m 35 now and for the last couple years have tried to think positive but I don’t know how to interact with others, either I’m an out of the park a-hole or “Mr. Nice Guy” In order to never be called the latter, I’ve been being the a-hole. Chris, life is short and an big chunck of mine is gone… what can I do?

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Chris Cade Reply:
August 18th, 2009 at 11:57 pm

John,

Please forgive me if I overstep any boundaries here – I’m having an intuitive hunch.

While on the surface it’s clear that there’s been a lot of pain and heartache in your life, especially from your parents, I’m also sensing intuitively that there’s a very deep pain you haven’t yet really become aware of.

Maybe on the surface you know it’s there… but I am sensing that this pain you have goes much deeper. Perhaps it’s so deep that it scares a part of you to even feel a tiny bit of the pain – fear that if you open to a little bit of the pain, it could become overwhelming, and maybe even send you into an uncontrollable angry rage.

While I rarely give out specific advice, I do have some from my intuition that may be helpful. It also may be difficult and you may have resistance and find a million reasons not to heed this advice.

Take a day or a couple of days to be completely alone, by yourself, with zero distractions… preferably out in nature. No cell phones or computers, no technology. Just you.

And while there, remember two things:

(1) Be curious about any unresolved pain from your past.

(2) Remember to breathe deeply – *especially* as you are curious about that pain.

And if the pain becomes unbearable, breathe deeper and focus on feeling your feet against the ground.

~~~~

We often have a fear of pain because it seems so overwhelming. However, in many cases if we are consciously remembering to breathe and feeling our feet against the ground, our body will instinctively help us handle the pain.

And here’s where the miracles happen – when we can feel our body and our emotional pain at the same time, the pain is transformed into strength.

Unfortunately, most people who feel pain do not know this ‘trick’ nor have the experience to realize — if they were to just breathe deeply and feel their feet against the ground, they would be OK.

John, you will be OK. However, right now it’s clear to you that your life isn’t working the way you want it to.

It’s time to take some leaps of faith…

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Jim H. Reply:
August 19th, 2009 at 10:27 am

@John,
Do not try, do or do not (Yoda)! Try is just a lie and excuse that you tell yourself and you are too important to the world to lie to yourself.

Remember, the world will never be as good as it could be if you are not being the best you could be.

If and when there is a final reconning (God has already forgiven you, but you also have to forgive yourself) you will only have to answer for what you chose to do; you have no control over what others do and are not responsible for their choices and actions.

Peace, joy and love.

It is already a good day because you woke up this morning. If you woke up without much pain it is already a great day!

Live as though it is a great day!!

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Hello Chris,
I too had the trauma of moving schools and not being accepted by my peers. Country girls often don’t operate in the same way as city folk. My natural happy singing self became the quite wall flower sitting in the background. The final blow came when I was told I wasn’t good enough to sing in the school choir. It took me 20 years to be confident enough to sing again. The magic of a group singing for fun was my doorway back to myself. Since then I have ventured into other areas of being. I now lead several women’s groups and have filled in leading a Laughter Yoga group. Sounds as if I have my life together doesn’t it? But still, sometimes, I feel like a fraud. Sometimes I still wonder what gives me the right to be the one who leads. Ah well one step at a time and lots of positive feed back from friends gives me the courage to meet the next challenge.
Do like your web site
cheers
Fran

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I was always afraid to get things wrong because i was told that i was stupid if I got something wrong. Therefore I stopped trying new things or if I did try something new, as soon as I came up against a problem or something I felt challenged by I would retreat back inside myself and give up, afraid to ask for help. I felt that people would think I was stupid if I didn’t know something and that put a lot of unpleasant feeling inside of me as I was ridiculed at home for being ’stiupid’ and often the butt of jokes, as was my mother. I grew up feeling quite angry and frustrated at the world, not engaging in school, i was a daydreamer who didn’t really want to be there and was not interested in anything. This also affected my peer relationships and as a result my self-esteem was low as I tried to ‘people please’ and wondered why I was not managing to achieve healthy friendships with people I could trust. I made many mistakes (and will probably continue to do so!) when i was young and it has taken a long time for me to learn from them. However, I have learned that it is good to make mistakes as it is a part of learning. Now I am more distanced from the negative influences of my younger years I am able to be kind to myself and allow all of these feelings to the surface to move on. However, I do still feel lacking in confidence as a parent (and some other areas)as it is a great challenge to raise a child whilst releasing the issues of my past. I know that everything that is happening is so perfectly timed as one could not happen without the other and vice versa but that does not make it any easier!

I would like to thank you Chris for allowing me this space to communicate my ’story’ in such a way. I found it to be of great value to my personal development to have this opportunity.
Love & blessings to you

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Hi Chris,
with me it was the lack of faith in my gifts. I wanted to and could have become muscician. I was very professional at the age of about 22 but there was nobody around to tell me that being a musician would be something to feed a family. So I started studying medicine (!sigh for the patients!) and actually became a doctor. Now being 52 I am deeply burnt out and trying to find new sens in my life. Iwas soccessful and got all I could imagine to cope with the expectaions of my parents and “friends” but I didnt do what I liked. Strange enough financial desaster brought me to the point to think about my life an start to rearrange it. So I got your links and am very greatful for it.
No its not the career that helps, yes its the inner self that fight for its (her/his) freedom. Let the “ira Atua” (see abouve) reign again! Salam Shalom PAX! from Ulrich

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Chris
Our level of confidence can change dramatically when we understand who we really are; We are spiritual beings having a human experience, not human beings having the occassional spiritual experience. This was first expressed by Teilhardt De Chardin in the late middle ages.

Society (including the bureacratic part of religions) does not want us to hear, accept and act upon that understanding since we will not be controllable once we live according to the understanding of who we really are and what we can become if we use this life to fullfil our real destiny.

Most of us think our confidence comes from our ego (we may not consciously think of it that way, but that is where the false confidence comes from). The problem is, of course, that our egos are not real in the greater sense, just a bunch of poor approximations of reality. If we do not transcend our egos, but use the ego-based false confidence, we will never become the loving persons that we are all intended to become.

Peace!
Jim

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Hi Chris,
Thank you for your story.
I am very confident of myself.I have been doing so many thing in my life and I can do almost anything if someone would show me.This make me in a position that I don’t start anything by myself and I let the universe present to me what is next and this make me not confidence about my future.

[Reply]

Chris Cade Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 11:29 am

Alain – I’m grateful you enjoyed my story.

Would you share more about why you feel un-confident about your future?

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Hi Chris,

When I was a teenager I was pretty confident in myself and participated in a lot of extra curricular activities in and out of school. I even did public speaking.

I am now 29 and I don’t quite recall when it all changed because when I was in campus I realized that I had lost all these.I get heart palpitations and I fall short of breathe when I speak or even think of making a presentation. This is really affecting me because I feel stuck as I am afraid of being out there.

I am doing meditation and listening to a hypnosis recording to help me with this.

[Reply]

Chris Cade Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 11:27 am

Meditation and hypnosis are excellent ways to help with our personal development.

I find it interesting that you don’t recall when it changed. The reason I find this interesting is because the anxiety you feel, although common to many people, is a ‘false’ anxiety.

What I mean is, the absolute worst that can happen from public speaking is to forget all the words and look like a fool. While that seems pretty harsh and scary, at the end of the day we still have our food, water, shelter, health, etc.

Allergies and phobias are fairly similar at their roots – in most cases, they are our body or mind’s way of perceiving something as a threat… that really isn’t a threat. For example, a sneeze is our body *thinking* something is bad for us… that normally is not bad for us.

Similarly, the anxiety/phobia you have over public speaking is your mind *thinking* it is bad for you… but normally speaking is not bad at all. After all, you are capable of speaking to one person at a time, and maybe even a couple of friends during casual conversation.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you “should” be ok with public speaking just because the worst case won’t kill you. What I am doing is giving you some concepts to work with that could help with what I’m about to say next…

The reason I find your anxiety interesting is because it wasn’t there before. I suspect there was one or more ‘bad’ experiences in your past that led to your anxiety. Perhaps a speech in class that you made a mistake and got teased for, but then you totally forgot (or repressed) that memory… and so you can’t remember why you are so scared.

That’s one possibility. There may be others. It may be related to parents, siblings, peers, teachers, etc. I really don’t know the specifics; however, usually when we have such a drastic and significant shift, it’s a result of us experiencing some sort of trauma.

One thing you may consider, as a practical experience, is to go to a toastmaster’s gathering with the specific intention of not speaking – just listening and watching only.

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lets c i was raised with as close 2 zero confidence as i feel a person can b raised but i know everybody has a story and theres could be worse than mine but any way when i was 6 my dad left my mom 2 marry another lady i loved my dad very much and can remember trying desperately at that young of an age to get his attention to no avail when he left my mom i was 4ever esking about him felt as if a security had been taken from me although he didnt really have or give me 2 much of his time i have an older sister who is his child also but she is different from me in this area it never bothered her if she got his approval attention or anything she doesnt care i can remember up til age of around 10 calling my dad and when he would talk 2 me on the fone hed say hed come pick me up for the weekend take me places and spend time with me when the weekend came he wouldnt come around answer fone calls r anything i remember sitting and crying and rocking for hours while my mom tried hard 2 console me didnt mean 2 but it did make her feel like she wasnt a good enuff mom since i longed for my dad so much around age 12 i pretty much gave up although between then and age 40 i tried several times 2 contact him so we could have a daughter father relationship but he still wouldnt call me back we lived in the same city so i seen him coincidently 3 times in about 10 years thats the only way he seen my son who looks very simular 2 him but all he done was say how ya doing and go on
then on my moms side she raised me the only way she knew how i didnt by far get everything i wanted but i always had food clothes and shelter my mom wound up raising 4 kids mostly by herself but she taught us 3 girls that life wasnt fair for a woman we didnt get paid as much @ jobs everything in general was harder 4 us she told us the only fair we were gonna get in life was the county fair that came 2 our city every october she gave me a very grim perception of life this hasnt affected my other 2 sisters as bad as it did me 4 some reason my mom has been divorced 5 times and all she says about men is how bad they are and how theyll hurt u and use u ive had a few long term relationships and 1 child who is now 20 but i have a very hard time trusting a male that is in relationship with me i always get this perception of him being like my dad is 2 me n my mind as a child towering over me with words of disapline and pushing me away in aggravation ive never married even though i stayed n the relationship with the manwho is my sons father 4 2 years after his birth because i dont have faith n marriage lasting i have stayed out of relationships more than n them and this is not because there wasnt any1 2 b n a relationship with but rather id choose not 2 bother not 2 let it get past a frienship im now 45 my son is 20 and im still afraid of getting hur by men this has affected my confidence in all areas of my life since i have a hard time trusting men n general

[Reply]

Chris Cade Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 11:03 am

Thank you for sharing your story, abigail. In my experience, relationships are very challenging – no matter if it is a relationship with a boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, friend, parent, or sibling. They also offer us the richest opportunities for growth because they are so challenging.

I’m curious – have you talked with your sisters about why they do not seem to be as affected as you are by this same set of circumstances?

[Reply]

abigail Reply:
August 20th, 2009 at 8:32 pm

@Chris Cade, i have an older sister who thinks im crazy for letting my dad affect me so much he past away around 10 years ago & i really had a terrible time with his death because it meant we were never gonna have the kind of relationship i wanted i also have a younger sister who dad lived in the same city as we did but he also didnt have much 2 do with her growing up he is still alive & has recently told other people they both know hed like 2 spend time with her & get 2 know her but she said no said it was 2 late i have 1 brother who is the baby in the family his dad passed away when he was an infant so none of the 4 of us were raised with a father but it is a mistery 2 me why it affects me so much but none of my siblings my 2 sisters have been married for 16 years and for 18 years my brother for almost 20 so this is something that has puzzled me for a long time even to this day my moms opinions and attitudes affect me way more than it affects my siblings 4 some reason i have never really tried 2 change just always thought thats the way it was so id bury the feeling i got and /or stay away from my family i used to drink to try to bury it but i recieved treatment for alcoholism 21 years ago and stopped doing that
thank you abigail

[Reply]

Chris, when I watched your video, the same thing almost happened to me when I was your age, well, not exactly toddler, but when I was 9 going onto 10, my peers were always putting me down because I the odd one out of the group and siblings. It wasn’t fun being treated with so much disrespect and whenever people touched me by the arm or just brushed passed me, they would scream, “Ohh, I got her germs!” I hated school so much that I wanted to transfer just to start a whole new year or life somewhere better than this! But my parents encouraged me to stay and when high school reached, my whole life changed. You see, I was brought up in this Jehovah Witness religion where were told that the rich are greedy and they are wasting their time getting rich. I always thought they were right, but when I met a girl called, Haylee, she helped me changed my life. Haylee showed me how it is OK to think rich, it is OK to imagine yourself living in a mansion by the sea and all those wonderful things…I was inspired when she showed me that. Haylee didn’t ACTUALLY tell me that, but what she had showed me, her action towards me and the future, was all I need to hear. So during my first year of high school, because here in Australia, it’s just primary to high school and University the next, if you wanted to; I started to seperate away from the JW religion behind my parents’ back. I mean, yeah they encourage you to do all kinds of great things when you grow up, but what my parents didn’t see was that I wanted to keep on imagining and dreaming of me being rich and having the ability to do whatever I want without the need to attend church. Because every time I attended a JW church they would always tell me bad news and when church was over, everyone was happy because the “brother” who speaks up on stage, has finally packed his briefcase and gone home! JW’s are never happy. So during the school holidays, I would wake up feeling like a total failure because in my old JW religion, I was never taught ANY confidence at all, whatsoever, at church. We were never taught rights, either.
In primary/elementry school, I would read fiction scary books that my religion and parents didn’t approve of — did I stop there? No! I kept doing the opposite of what my religion had TOLD me to do. I kept reading scary fiction books behind thier backs. And when high school finally reached, like I said before, my whole life had changed. My best friend Haylee, still today is my best friend, had helped me change my whole life from «being told what to do» to having the rights what I want to do with myself! I have total confidence in myself today, regardless of what other people think.
When I heard news that The Kinf of Pop was gone, I knew it was up to the rest of us people, to decide what to do next to help change this world for a better place. Now that I’ve broken away from being a JW I see and hear what the rich are doing — helping others get where they want to be as much as yourself, Chris. Right? I don’t care waht my judgemental sister thinks anymore. She is still a JW today, but as we’re getting older, we’re both starting to drift apart.
I don’t know…I guess it’s because I’m a LEO and my sister is a CANCER! Hahahaha, I’m not trying to sound judgemental here, I’m telling you my story. So, yeah, I don’t care what my Cancer sister has to say to me about wanting to be rich and help others get there because her attitude is very boring and low, I’m going to make this world a better place, regardless of her and those JW’s remarks!
PS. Be careful when you approach a JW — they seem nice on the out side but when you tell them NICELY to go away, they will start talking trash about you when they’re at church or when they get home!
«I know because I was once like that!»

[Reply]

Chris Cade Reply:
August 23rd, 2009 at 11:32 pm

Tertia…

I’m a Cancer

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Tertia Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 12:01 am

@Chris Cade, I am so sorry! I guess there are some Cancer people out there who I can and cannot trust, but you are one of good guys.
How did you like my story?

[Reply]

Chris Cade Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 1:29 am

Tertia – apologies not accepted, nor needed! We all have our experiences and stories… and sometimes we just need a reminder that our past stories do not dictate our future ones.

I enjoyed your story and am grateful you shared it!

I am the opposite of your story, yet i can say I went trough the same story with my peers… contradiction? I started to socialize better when I started to not give a damn about their opinion about me… Probably I was authentic but I still don’t feel accepted. I never felt I had friends, I tried to be a friend to them, but I take too much on myself, helping them and wanting to help myself.. not asking for help… And on the success side never was interested in being successful. Never found something that I liked, always thought I could do anything I set my mind to, but never tried. And now I don’t know why… I lied to myself for too long, probably. I’m sure there is no self confidence in me in a rooted level yet there is:)). There is a lot to write about, and I believe you might jut convince me to write my story… if I could get over my laziness…
A.M.
PS: I think people should reach certain ideas about life on their own, If they read them without having hinted them in their own life, they will associate the new ideas with something in their life, familiar to them and not use them. Even people that reach revelations on life don’t always use them…

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Oops wasn’t finished lol, later in life after living with a person who’s lack of confidence caused them to constantly criticize and blame everyone for anything that didn’t go the way that was expected, to the point where I started questioning myself and losing confidence in my decisions and abilities. After removing myself from this relationship, I cross examined myself, under a microscope so to speak, concerned that the person I thought I was not worthy of existing(a little strongly expressed, couldn’t come up with right word but that doesn’t make me “STUPID” brevity intended). This self-examination helped me to see the qualities I do have and the difficulties and many challenges I had overcome. Not to say there weren’t areas that could use improvement, overall I was okay, and in some areas better than okay, ~smile~ I learned to trust in myself.

Trust in yourself, make the choices that suit your dreams and desires, words are powerful, use them to your benefit, encourage yourself, believe in YOU!!!

[Reply]

Ed Howes Reply:
September 6th, 2009 at 12:03 am

@Mayanan, Thanks for this story. It puts me in mind of the child’s game: I know you are but what am I? If only children knew how powerful that would be against adult threats or verbal abuse when done secretly and silently. But then, who would ever tell them?

Blessings X 10,

Ed

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oops! What does it mean to Tweet this Video?

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Chris Cade Reply:
September 12th, 2009 at 11:53 am

If you have a Twitter account, then ‘Tweet This Video’ is a quick link to share it with your followers on Twitter.

If you’re not on Twitter, then you can just ignore that button

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“Whups”…

(Sorry about the double posting,I guess I must have clicked on the ’submit comment button’ more than once,I’ll remember not to do that next time)

Oh ya,and I’ll let some of my friends and family members know about your site.The videos are very powerful and I think that they will enjoy it and learn a lot from it,just as I did.

Peace and Joy to all!

[Reply]

Chris Cade Reply:
November 26th, 2009 at 2:39 pm

Thank you for sharing your story, @Laura – and for sharing this site with your friends and family.

I’ve since deleted your double-posting… so now it’s a secret between you, me, and whoever is reading this.

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It is an encouraging. Keep it up.

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Hello Chris -

Confidence is something I am very low on at the moment. In fact, whenever I start to feel confident something happens to take that feeling away! Like this world wide recession we’re in….creditors are calling, some are threatening to sue me, can’t pay my mortgage and I am checking into bankruptcy which makes me feel like a total loser.

I even seem to lack the confidence to finish setting up my website because it seems like I’ll just be wasting my time – after all – once I’m homeless, I won’t be able to maintain it.

I know – keep the faith, but still – it’s getting harder and harder.

At least I know I wasn’t the only new kid rejected. The classmates were all sick of new people and decided to reject all the new kids. I was it! Plus, maturing and filling out quicker than the rest added that element of harassment. (my parents were the worst! they actually said “why didn’t you die?” to me every day until I left home.)

The only thing I learned from the school experience, is empathy and how to survive alone – which is good, since I seem to have no ability in the relationship arena.

However, I have not given up – there is hope and eventually, I will figure it all out. Luckily, there is this movement of great people helping the rest of us get it together.

Thank you for your encouragement and take care.

Marilyn

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As a child at school I was fine. At a collage, I got to trouble with my confidence between yang men- Aviation major-3 girls between 100 men.
At work I was fine until I come to USA from Europe. We have to start from 0 one more time. I exchanged my education and got first great job in aviation but not for long time. Soon back to collage for computers and change of profession…in marketing and sales. While working with my customers and consultants my confidence grows a lot. 5 years ago – some turbulence in my life finish by divorce and some marks on my confidence but I’m getting better. My business got some turbulence lately-I’m growing personally but not attracting positive women to my business yet.

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Hi, Chris

I, too, was raised to have confidence to do anything I wanted. My parents stayed together until death did them part and I was ‘of the In-crowd’. At twelve years old, I was visited by the diabetes fairy, and after that, some of my friends deserted me. Not entirely, but they were uncomfortable drinking/eating sweets in front of me and while we still had long talks on the phone, I was more alone at school than ever in the past. I compensated by reading. For three years, I read about 500 books a year. That’s more than a novel a day. I read “Gone With the Wind” when I was 13.

Somehow, my confidence seemed to come thru unscathed. We moved (when I was 15) to a small town in Nebraska where no one seemed to care one way or another about the diabetes. I was a majorette. I was a cheerleader. I was an archery champion. I had a steady beau. Life was great.

Then we moved again. And while they either didn’t know I was diabetic or they didn’t care, life was not so good. They were a bunch of snobs and while I was at the fringe of the in-crowd….. it was definitely the outer fringe. And unlike you, Chris, I could not find anyone to take me to my prom. But, in a typically ‘Sandy” sort of way, I called a girlfriend still living in the little town I loved so much. She got permission from the principal for me to attend their prom, and she found me a date. I had a great time.

I sailed through my year of college, my early work life and a couple of marriages. I was laid off from a job which hurt my pride, but retrained as a computer programmer and sailed on . . . It was as if life was eggs and I was teflon ….. it all just slid off me and I seemed to come through it unscathed.

And then, suddenly, I was a middle-aged, disabled (due to long term diabetes) woman. Men no longer leered at me or whistled. Men, in particular, treated me with sufficient disrespect often enough that I noticed it. I expected it. After awhile, I was surprised when a man was kind or respectful. Contractors and workmen had to be watched else they stole or cheated me. More and more I avoided men and attempted to do everything myself.

Now, I’m a senior citizen. Something f.e.e.l.s as if it went all wrong somewhere. But, for the life of me, I’m not sure where or why or how. I would prefer (consciously) to not be alone…. but I am alone. There is no one in particular that I long for, but it would be nice to have someone to talk to and have morning coffee with. Without my computer and girlfriends who have emotionally supported me through thick and thin for 45 years plus some newer friends, I might have taken the .32 caliber exit.

Despite all that I have, I feel an emptiness. The only thing that seems to fill it is when a friend wants metaphysical input. This, unfortunately, does not happen often enough.

I suspect that somewhere in my darker self, I came to value my youth and good looks (because men did?) and now that both of these are (physically) gone and I’m of no further interest to men, I perceive my worth as less. I know that I don’t expect a man to be interested in me because I’m no longer beautiful (and yet, I perceive my friends as beautiful). Interestingly, I should probably note in all fairness that I don’t feel attracted to men who’ve let themselves ‘go’ and just as a couple of my friends have commented …. I cannot imagine taking this old body with it’s gray hair, sagging breasts and arm flabbiness and climbing into bed with a man and his judgments.

So, tell me Chris, where does confidence come into this picture? And what the heck do I do with it after you tell me?

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Thanks Chris for spreading the “good news”.

I started questioning the story I told myself through “The Work” of Byron Katie. I am so grateful that there are people like you and Katie helping us all to realize how we are not the story we have been told. We are free to tell ourselves any story about ourselves. Isn’t it still just a story? Our essence is not a story, but we need a story to express our essence. (That was profound… maybe you are right about writing! I hope someone else enjoyed that as much as I did!)

Through my work I have come to believe that the story I tell myself about myself is just a story. I am not the story I believe about myself, others and the dramas I create my life. I believe this is true for all.

Having discovered that I am not my story is totally liberating, but it has left me with a blank canvas. I sit in this peaceful place with no desire to write another story. I actually am creating a new story… a story of inner peace and love. It is an inner story, and the only writer and reader is me.

Right now, I am at a crossroads. My dilemma is, if I love everything as it is, and have no desire to create anything but more peace and love in myself and others. Like you, I have experienced much and accomplished much. I have dropped alot of my people pleasing behaviors. Unlike you, I am not rewriting my life. I have lost the desire to experience and accomplish more… at this time.

I know what my purpose is… to love. I love that there are people like you in the world assisting people in a loving way to find their way. At this time the vehicle to create more love has not manifested itself. All I can do is keep practicing in my daily life.

I have so many wonderful metaphors and words that pop into my head. I really would like to write something. I would love to share my wisdom in a fun and unique way through writing (without advice or preaching) Writing is difficult for me because my imagination does not visualize much. It’s like I have an auditory imagination. This makes it difficult to bring a written story to life for another.

Do you think that someone can learn to visually imagine?

Thank you for allowing this time to express myself. Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated.

Sheryll

[Reply]

Chris Cade Reply:
April 27th, 2010 at 7:30 pm

@Sheryll,

Although I haven’t worked in-depth with Byron Katie’s Work, through my limited experience of it I’m definitely a fan And what wonderful insights about your story not being you!

I do believe that people can learn new skills, as well as learn to exercise existing skills in new ways. A Vision Board may be a good place for you to start – sometimes to get our own visual imagination going, we just need some of other peoples’ images to inspire our own.

I once heard a quote, and although I am uncertain right now whether I agree 100% or not, you may find it helpful:

“We must imitate before we can create.”

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Hi. The story that Chris was telling rings so true for me. I realize now that I am not alone in this, I am not weird or defective. Growing up a smart but introverted kid, I had a lot of confidence in my schoolwork, but not in the social areas. Two major incidents concerning romantic relationships left my confidence about my own worth in tatters. The lack of confidence was further enforced during my adult years. When I started my working life, my small social circle eroded my confidence even more, as I went through a period of loneliness and isolation.

I realize now that all the lack of confidence had been due to my own judgements about myself, it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have reconneced with old school friends, and I realize that they saw me in a different (and positive) light during the school years, and I am the one who thought I was awkward and unworthy. I am trying very hard to let go
of my past and move on, knowing that I am not my past, not even what I think I am.

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Dear chris,
I very much so can relate to your experience in the matter of Confidence. Alot of my peers too treated my sibbling and I like outcasts because of our family structure, and religion. Being raised as JW ` not celebrating Holidays’ allowed to fight, spend nights over, ect. made us objects of hunted prey… however if they only knew what was going on behind our closed doors I think none of them would have wanted to trade places… You see in public we were this great family my father was was self taught at practically everything, and was very socially gifted, Handsome and built like a gymist while my Mother’s Class,Family history, Cooking, Beauty, and homemade Crafts had alot of people interested in our family… encoded in us through birth, I have many abilities and skills, but never wanted to shine too much as that angered alot~ very much so when they see my face, for men its pretty, for women it’s a reason to be catty. I try most days to be as unattractive as possible even to this day. ,I’m always being told how did I learn to do so many diffrent things so well either God gives you one or the other, or to just pick one thing I’m good at as if I choose to know how to do alot of things on purpose. Most of the time I spent my time encouraging others’being helpful, compilmenting others, but had been brainwashed through my upbring to look out for myself,or to do a good job was what I was sopposed to do, especially from my fathers IS Selfish. Rarely do I take praise well…I’ve faked Confidence numerous times just because I didn’t want to be singled out, as I soppose I will again, however I do KNOW the Confidence in which your speaking of here… at times I get a knowing from deep when a inner voice speaks. That’s the core me like when I’m writing or drawing it’s direction from the universe- Dare I say the God in me… because I know that it WILL turn out very beautiful, or nice but I’m realizing it’s a certain Calm~ that speaks it. And with all of my being I KNOW IT. I’m glad that the pain I feel is part of a greater plan then I could ever imagine… and I’m glad that while we’ve all been through our own life stories that many of them intertwine and connect us all to the real reason we’re all here, and it’s to Love. While I took this course thinking that … okay yes that some instant miracle was going to take place, it bring me a comfort that I’m not alone nor am I the only one digging through a heaping pile of past to be present in the Present, and yet I have to go through all the masks I’ve learned to wear, I do so willingly for the sake of being who I am.

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I lost my confidence that I would ever be loved when my fiance in College cheated on me. I was never able to even bring myself up to speak to him again. I used to live in Michigan and I just left the place so I would not hear any stories from him. Actually he wrote me a couple of letters, because I would not speak to him, but I was afraid to read in them that he did not love me, so I never read them. After that I had other relationships but I never truly joined. Learning about Special and Holy relationships help me shed some light into these “love relationships” we think we have.

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I have experienced rejection from my father and older sisters, and that did hurt my selfconfidence, but I have always been independent, and learned to do without whomever would hurt me, and I am still working on this issues, because, the damage on my relationships with men, has been deeply affected to the point, that I have not been able to developt a healthy loving relationship yet. But I am on therapy, building up my selfworth, and now working with Morelli, who is helping me listent to my intuition, and this will lead to strenghthen my selfesteem, in a real, authentic way…I want to be myself, not distorted, to be accepted or liked.

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Rejection for me was literally like the story of the ‘ugly duckling’. I have a memory as a baby, sitting on the supermarket trolley of people around me approaching me with bad intentions. Now of course my mother was there to keep me safe, but there were parts of me that became traumatized with rejection ever since. The bad intention that I saw in people is of a terrible alienation, nevertheless masked with cuteness. Yes. I was rejected through Hypocrisy. Simply because I was born in a place of archaic mentalities, and middle age resolve in terms of social evolution. (And this is not to blindly criticize. There are less civilized parts in the world still.) So in simple words; I was born out of my race! Now, I have grown to understand that racial issues are truly like a poison that damages the mind of society. And even when I would be the first to want people not to pay attention to them, it still does not mean they aren’t there. So I grew up in the knowledge that I was far more vulnerable, simply because of the way I was born, than pretty much anyone else around me. So, literally I grew up wanting to be somebody else. But the most ironic part, and now I am eternally grateful for it, is that I was born the Swan. Not the duckling. And it didn’t happen until much much later in my life, that I came to the realization that this hatred that the people had against me; the cynically faked smile with which people (and of course not all people…but most.) used to approach me, only to back stab me the nanosecond I wasn’t watching, with my relationships, with my responsibilities, with my work and with my money. This hatred of which I suffered a great deal from, is derived out of the fact that it is ‘they’ who suffer this terrible alienation and rejection. It is they who want to be born somebody else. There is a beautiful book called “The Labyrinth of Solitude” in which this identity complex is very eloquently explained and I recommend it dearly.
So my ‘dilemma’ (Thankfully it isn’t a dilemma anymore hahaha) is the precise opposite of what most stories I have read including Chris’ video (Thanks a lot man!) You see, now I know, and I am certain that it is I who (born into this context) had all the aces to win served on my very first hand. Alas so VERY UNLIKE THEM. I was hated because my appearance fits best THEIR ‘ideal’ of a person who can have it all easier. Relate to all the pretty people, get the good jobs, get the education, the money, the games…and what not?! But back then, I was so afraid of this hatred, so panicked of this blind rage that I felt against me on a day to day basis, that I never took advantage of my so called “gifts”! I can honestly say I was a very miserable person, and didn’t even know it.
Today I still feel a bit confused along the sides of pity and hatred, but since I resolved to leave these ducklings for good (and be back with the swans…) I now have a better vision of what my virtues truly are (and also my mistakes). Because in the country where I live now, I look just like everyone else, so now I need to reflect who I am and what I want from an objective and sincere vantage point.
I hope that soon, I can look back at all these ducklings and not hate them anymore, but also not pity them either. For it is a truly horrible feeling to be lost inside yourself not knowing neither who you are nor who you want to be. I spent at least 20 years locked up in this…and the other 12 were spent going into it, and finally figuring out how to come out of it.
And my only motivation for sharing this is because rejection can come from either side of the scale, be it because the feeling is that you are less, or because the feeling is that you are more. And the latter applies to myself…
Good luck and blessings in the pursuit of your perfect lives…

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Looking back at my childhood, I also had some problems feeling like I didn’t fit in and wasn’t accepted by my classmates. I feel that this may be a problem shaired by children who are raised by close loving families. We don’t have to work for love. It’s given and we’re told how wonderful we are and how much we can do. This and moving several times during my school years didn’t distroy my self-confidence but my marriage did for a long time. I was told I was fat, lazy and couldn’t do anything right so often that I began to doubt myself. I’ve worked to rebuild my childhood confidence and for the most part have since I’m no longer married or subjected to that sort of abuse. I’m very grateful that unlike many abused wives, I knew that there was something better for me in life and had the inner strength to leave and save myself.

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I always loved performing (still do)! However, at 12 years old my parents sat me down to discuss what I wanted to “be” when I grew up. I immediately said “I want to be the next Josephine Baker!” I envisioned living in Paris, performing. . .my dad said he saw me being a “secretary”. . .my mother “a nun”. Needless to say I’ve spent the past 34 years trying to “be” what would be acceptable. I STILL have the confidence for performing and the stage. . . I KNOW that I possess a light that motivates people and builds individuals while building strong teams. My confidence is re-emerging. . .I unsuccessfully (thank God!) tried to please others but now must do and Be Me!!

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With spending so much time thinking that I couldn’t do it, it’s really hard to think that I can. Being hard on yourself makes it hard to be confident. I once was on stage infront of alot of people and did a horrible job, I could hear the laughter out in the audience and this just horrified me and have been afraid of the stage ever since. This I think trickled into everyday situations. Walking into the room where everyone is sitting and watching you find your seat. Getting on a full bus of people and everyone is looking up at you. ect…ect…ect…..

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Mr Leighman Reply:
July 23rd, 2010 at 2:03 pm

@Suzan, Suzan

I liked your story… I can really relate to that!
People like my self with low self esteem and confidence are always petrified of being made fun of in public. But I just want to say that even if you did a terrible job of it, it does not matter what others think, you made the effort to get up there in the first place and try, which is more than they did. So feel goood about your self for this, I really admire people like your self who try and try even if at first they don’t succeed. All the best

Mr Leighman

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I am always amazed and consider it a miracle when people of such difficult childhoods — especially with negative influences from parents — are able to move forward and focus on living the life they want (not the life that other people want them to live).

My advice is very simple – write down those big dreams, and read them every day when you wake up and before you go to sleep.

You deserve the very best, and this simple reminder will help keep you focused and on track.

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My story was similar to yours surprisingly. Where I gained confidence was in emergency situations, where somehow I just knew what to say and do. Not only did I know what to say and do, I made it fun. Not only that, I made it so much fun that a whole new world was created for myself and others of imagination and adventure that I became a very successful leader. So I went from the shyest of the shy, to the brave warrior princess so many times, since there were enough emergencies in my area and life, that finally I had the confidence to write my own story, letting the world go its own way.

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Chris Cade Reply:
July 19th, 2010 at 7:33 pm

@Cynthia Rose,

I find it amazing how our true nature, our true confidence will often shine through in times of need. Not necessarily the times when our minds want it (like in relation to peers, etc), but definitely in relation to the times of necessity.

Thank you for sharing – and while I hope I don’t have to deal with any major emergency situations, hopefully if I do you’ll be nearby!

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Hi Chris, It has been hard for me growning up and be the responsible one and to take care of everyone when I had trouble doing that for me.
I am trying and working to redo my thinking and finding out what I am feeling and what to do about it. To work through the feeling and in the end to let it go. There are days I feel good and a lot more not so good.But to find what I am feeling and think about it makes it easier to just live life. I want to be happy and enjoy life to the fullness but something keeps holding me back and I do not know what it is. Thanks for sharing.

Gerrie Maun

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Chris Cade Reply:
July 26th, 2010 at 8:37 pm

@Gerrie,

Redoing your thinking will take persistence and small steps – I talk about this in video 5 which will be a great one for you, I think. Definitely let me know your thoughts in a week or so after you watch that one!

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Hi

Thanks for the Video – I could really relate to that. I find myself often trying to build up false confidence – sometimes with out realizing!
Trying to meet other peoples expectations of me and feeling very hurt if they don’t respond in the way I would like them to. I am totally scared of asking girls on a date because my Love has been rejected in the past I now Lack confidence in my self! I have let those that have been mean to me get to me , I take things to heart, I even feel like crying sometimes which is not the what’s expected for a man!! I feel ugly and undervalued but I must realize that I am o.k really, and often I believe other people being mean to me are just them projecting there own inner fears and expectations on me – they are trying to change me when I really just want o be my self. I am lonely here and want to meet nice people who understand what being your self is and letting others be themselves really means…
Thanks for listening, hope I have not bored you to death!!

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Chris Cade Reply:
July 26th, 2010 at 8:39 pm

@Mr Leighman,

You haven’t bored me to death at all! You live my story, so I can relate completely. Or perhaps I lived yours. Either way, we share a story…

And you said something I believe is very important.

“I really just want to be my self.”

Deep down, I believe that’s what we all want… simply to be ourselves. The challenge is, because we’ve built up false confidence (to protect ours ‘true’ selves), we aren’t in touch with our “self.”

In fact, most of us don’t even know our true “self” anymore… we mostly identify with the labels that we give ourselves and that others give us.

I wish you the best in your journey to discovering your “true self”… I think you’ll find many of the upcoming lessons to be quite thought-provoking

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