Forgiveness

Today is my 60th birthday and last night my two best friends, individually, and at different times, left me with a load of their unresolved baggage. I responded differently with both but found myself dealing with this most uncomfortable feeling. Sadness, some anger, a feeling of being alone, a little self-pity. I did realize that it was their baggage but resented that they chose to dump it on me, especially on the night before my birthday (one with such a big number). I realize life is not selective it is instead quite random in it’s attacks. What can I learn from this. Yes, forgiveness, always, nothing else makes sense, but to forgive. I also, will be a bit more careful when I choose to communicate with certain people about certain things at certain times. But, I can’t control anything anyways, so all I can say is ouch and go on. Today, is a new day and it is beautiful and I am glad to be alive and able to experience this day.
I really appreciated getting your video this morning. I thought about sending it to my two friends and maybe I will. I tend to like to try to fix things for people and yet I know only they can fix themselves. I love to pass information on to others if I think maybe it could help them with their journey in life. If it helped me it might help them. Anything that is positve in nature is certainly better then all the negative information out there.
I am a big believer in personal growth and have been working on my own for most of my life. I’m still alive so I must grow and discover and share, that’s living.
I like the saying – Live Long and Prosper
Peace and Grace to you~

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Zura Reply:
July 25th, 2009 at 12:57 pm

@J. Eichas, Happy Birthday!!!

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 25th, 2009 at 1:20 pm

@J. Eichas, Happy Birthday May you grow younger and wiser. Killer combination huh? What a wonderful gift your friends brought you! An opportunity to forgive. To make it automatic, consider the wise words of Roy Masters. “Overlook on the spot. Respond with firmness, kindness and patience.” When we program our conscious with this thought, we eventually program our subconscious to do as it’s told. When we learn and practice instant forgiveness we stop all others from writing our stories. Pretty good payoff, eh?

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Chris Cade Reply:
July 25th, 2009 at 2:03 pm

J. Eichas,

Thank you for sharing your story and how you’re feeling. If you do decide to share with your friends, I recommend sharing the Conflict video (also on this blog) – that one may resonate more with people who have a lot of baggage that they dump.

I’m grateful you found meaning in this video about forgiveness. I really like the words of Dan Millman in Peaceful Warrior when he says, “Let it flow, then let it go.”

That he always feels the pain, the tears, the anger, and then he chooses to forgive and release. Easier said than done; however, with each little bit of practice it becomes easier over time.

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Nasir Chand Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 7:49 am

@Chris Cade,

Thanks a million for sharing such wonderul thoughts. it really helped taking an insight of self and help improving inner self.

please keep attached

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Justin Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:39 pm

@Chris Cade,

Hi Chris, I tried sending the video to my e-mail but dosen’t seem to have gone through. This is great! Thank you for your contact. Look forward to more in the… well, when you live for now! =)) Much love!

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Damodaran Potty Reply:
July 25th, 2009 at 11:29 pm

J. Eichas,

Belated birthday wishes for you!!!

I hope the video added positively to your attitude for personal growth. In fact, every breath is a new breath and every moment is a new moment.

Once a person approached Buddha and asked apologies. Then Buddha asked for what he is doing so. He replied that it is for his past actions against Buddha. Then again Buddha replied that the person who have done something wrong and the Buddha who have experienced it were dead on the same moment and it is the new person and new Buddha meeting again on that moment. As the new person didnt make any mistake, it is not necessary to ask apologies to the new Buddha – I believe this is a perfect example for forgiveness. We have to practice to develop such a broad mindfulness of compassion and forgiveness.

May the GOD Bless you with every happiness in every moment of your life, May the GOD give you more healthy years to live on this beautiful earth and May the GOD mak eyou a tool to spread the positive energy to the fellow beings.

If any of my words hurt, my apologies in advance.

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Debbie Satterfield Reply:
July 26th, 2009 at 6:25 pm

@J. Eichas, Happy Birthday! I just celbrated mine the other day! So many more to you and may God bless you!

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Lisa Reply:
July 28th, 2009 at 2:49 am

@J. Eichas,
Happy Birthday Eichas!! May you enjoy many many more. And thank you so much for your inspirational story.
Lisa

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Nancy Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 2:45 am

@J. Eichas,

Happy Birthday and many more Happy Returns. You are a Master of this Universe, we all are and that’s how special we all are. The only other best thing one can give and receive is forgiveness and Love. I promise you, we all have it in plenty so bask in it, feel good, feel happy, you owe to yourself.

Happy Birthday, and Lots of blessings.

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Isarma Reply:
July 30th, 2009 at 4:43 pm

@J. Eichas,

My hubby has a saying:
“Trouble comes not single spy, but as battalions”
Hope you had a happy birthday, and as they say, don’t let the turkeys get you down.

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Don Reply:
August 7th, 2009 at 11:56 pm

@J. Eichas,
A part of the idea of forgiveness is the idea to blame. These are both emotions people feel. I guess it is part of their nature. You can choose to be offended by someone else’s thoughts or actions or you can choose not to be offended. Your own personal feelings are your own decisions.
To blame someone else because you feel it is your time and not theirs is because you choose to be only inward thinking and not outward. You think your feelings are he only ones that count. To be truly forgiving, you must give up blaming others how you choose to feel.

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Dorothy Berendt Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 10:05 am

I recieved so much from this short video. It gave me confermation on the path I am currently on. This is the missing piece to forgiving myself. That has been the stumbling block for me. It amazes me that i CAN FORGIVE harm done to me but find it so difficult to forgive harm I have done to others. I belive rewriting my story is the gift I have been asking for. Thank you for following your passion I believe you have just taken me to the next level of my spiritual journey. I will look forward to sharing the next chapter of my life with you.

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Chris Cade Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 10:50 am

@Dorothy,

You hit the nail on the head – it’s often hardest to forgive ourselves… and yet, that’s also the most rewarding

Definitely keep us posted how the next chapter of your now-being-rewritten life story unfolds for you!

Mary Reply:
June 25th, 2010 at 1:02 am

@J. Eichas, Happy Birthday! I’m 60 too. when I turned 60 a few months ago I held a birthday party and at first nobody came. Later my staff showed up but only for a few minutes. So I cut to the chase, gave them a piece of cake and let them off. I wanted to cry and I was afraid I would if I kept the staff around any longer.

I was in a faraway country, dealing with a staff whose culture was very different from mine. I don’t usually let that bother me but it bothered me that day.

My business was losing money hand over fist and I couldn’t forgive myself for that. Also I didn’t want my losses to affect the staff. I had already considered what to do if we continued to lose money this year. Last year was supposed to be the last year of trying to make the business work — and it did work, in every way except financially. The other thing I couldn’t forgive myself for was for letting the staff take advantage of me, talking me out of money, gifts, and so on. I should have known better than to fall for their stories but I wanted to believe them, wanted to believe in them, and so I used to fall for every sob story they could come up with. I could hardly believe it was me, being so gullible. The year before the local mafia extortionists had walked off with most of my savings, following threats and occasional acts of violence. My manager had begun to steal my personal possessions, selling them on the second hand market. I had no one to turn to, no one to confide in — and now I was 60. The day I turned 50 an older cousin just laughed at me and told me that life begins at 50 — and for me she was right. But 58 and 59 saw me turn into a sucker for human leeches and I couldn’t find the energy to just stop the cash flow out. That horrible torpor, loss of energy made it impossible for me to even think straight, much less set things straight. I couldn’t believe it was me going through this. I used to be so sensible. I was almost as incompetent as I had been coming out of cancer treatment, something I finished with almost 20 years ago. My business was designed to help disadvantaged young people by hiring them to work at my club. It was the very people I dedicated my life to help who were robbing me blind.

This year I finally took the step to get away from all that. I just gave the multi-million money loser to the kids to play with, loot or whatever they wanted, and walked away from it. I was lucky; I got a job offer that I liked and I am doing that job now. With distance from running the club I can begin to realize how much the “bigger than I realized” the task of working with those unruly kids was. They were like wild animals, trying to bite the hand that reached out to feed them. I like wild animals and help wounded ones when I can. They sometimes bite back and I don’t blame them because I know it is out of their fear and inability to sense that I am helping them that they bite. These kids were the same as wild animals in that regard.

They needed all the love I could give them and now that I am away from the scene I find I need recuperation from the pain of their bites. Bites? not literally: unworthiness? yes but all people are imperfect; deviousness? yes but that wasn’t the real problem. The real problem was that I fell for it all. I let them fool me, make a fool of me. The biggest problem was myself, coming to terms with my misjudgment, my disappointment at things not working out, and at my inability to change their lives for the better. It’s very hard to forgive myself for failing at those things.

Recuperation comes quickly now that the “biting” has stopped. I still have some pain at my foolishness for so rashly attempting to help people I didn’t know enough about. I know that my intention to open doors and possibilities for them will someday and in some way make their futures a little better than otherwise might have been, even if I never get to see how or why I was able to make a difference. I am left with a lot less to provide for myself but mercifully I have a job. Why did I let myself become a victim over and over and over again? Why do we let ourselves be bitten repeatedly by mosquitos? When you’re the meal, the hungry ones will bite. I wanted to prove that those kids, an ethnic minority in this country, had something to offer the world. I may have proved the opposite. If so I let them down. You know what, it’s hard to help. I dared to touch the lives of those half wild creatures and I got stung mercilessly. Not intentionally, particularly, but mercilessly, the way the rain mercilessly gets you wet if you walk out in it. You can’t approach people blindly, altruistically, mechanically, as I did, assuming that what I knew to be good for them would be accepted by them.

What is hardest to accept here is my own ignorance in barging into unknown territory without a bodyguard. My ignorance in coming too close and so as to let them in their ignorance in hurt the one who had intended to dedicate herself to helping them.

Maybe the lesson is: don’t stray too far from the people and things you know, as those you don’t know can hurt you. So that’s why my mother used to tell me not to go out on adventures! As it write, it seems so obvious, so ordinary as to be uninteresting. It’s just a part of growing up. How could a child know all of the things that adults know? How could a 60 year old know everything, or even enough to run her life effectively? It’s amazing we manage to stay alive at all.

And that makes you amazing too, for having reached 69. Hurray for you!

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Very helpful video and comments. I feel that I am ready to forgive myself. It is dificult to me to leave behind my regrets. I stiil carry on my failures, the thins that I did not do. It i slike a heavy chain which does not permit you sotep forward.

I am 45…separated, unemployed despite my excellents qualifications. I am weel educated. I have two daugthers. Theya are all in my life. Actually I am alone, nobody in my sentimental life. I am optimistic but I feel it is something that oppresses me.

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 25th, 2009 at 1:33 pm

@Cesar D. Lopez, Thank you for consciously making a decision to forgive you. This is a very loving act of compassion for all those you know and who know you, which is each one of us who read your story as well. There is nowhere you can go to be alone. The most we can hope for is peace and quiet, to keep silent company with ourselves is a blessing many will not experience in a lifetime. “In all things give thanks.”

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He was born perfect. A beautiful baby, his whole life in front of him, two parents that were starting their future right out of high school. The world was their oyster, and they were going to embrace it.

Time pasted, the father’s reality became a third shift warehouse worker, and the mother became preoccupied with her job as a salon stylist, and socializing with her friends. She spoke of her son with great pride, he is so smart, so beautiful, so perfect. She spoke so highly to impress all of her want-to-be friends. She had not a lot of money, but took up tennis so she can try to socialize with those of greater means. She spent her life trying to be one of them, and the stories of her perfect son.

The reality is the boy was left to play by himself and occupy his own time, day after day. She never spent time with him, she didn’t even know him. The child she spoke of, was clouded by the smoke and mirrors of her want to be world. Never noticing the child at her leg, his view of his mother, was her leg, since thats the shadow that he would stand.

Time pasted, and the child entered school, completely inept to the concepts of making friends and socializing. He was struck with crippling fear of these kids. He was the shy boy. He would get dropped off at school, and the sounds engulfed him like he was underwater, the atmosphere was a hazy murky concert of laughs, and screams and running and bouncing balls, the sounds of the playground and kids having fun. It was everywhere, he would find sanctuary in the building blocks, he would would hide in the corner and play with the blocks, it would take him back to his room at home. When he played with the blocks, all the noises of the playground would go away.. and the fears of the other kids would vanish… things were safe with the blocks…

He was always the last to get picked up from school, sitting alone on the small stone wall, with no blocks. He would have to sit, defenseless and watch the other kids play and laugh and scream and jump and have fun while one by one they parents would come and take them away. He longed for the last one to get picked up, because in the silence he was safe, until he could see that dark blue vinyl top Buick rolling up the drive.

He would get into the car, and his mother would as how school was. He would say fine, and she would say good. He would stare at the shiny silver lock as they would drive home, he could see the distorted reflection of the road as they drove home.

Years would pass, and his mother, in her complete ignorant bliss, would still brag about her handsome smart son, who was doing so great in school, and was the best in the class.

Her son was getting old enough, that he knew she had no idea how horrible his school life was. How he hated school, and now in the 4th grade, has grown accustomed to the pattern of being the loner. Get dropped off at school go straight to class (safe), sit in assigned seat(safe) recess (not safe). He hated recess so much. Now, without blocks, he was left to wander in the shadows of the playground, trying to find somewhere safe to pass the time. Some days he would climb on the jungle gym(if no one else was on it), or walk on the railroad ties that surrounded the playground, just hoping that bell would ring so he could go back to the structured safety off assigned seating and schoolwork.

This pattern went on. The teachers started to not notice that he wasn’t going to recess. He would sneak back in the classroom and draw. This was heaven. He escaped in his drawings, and was safe in the silence of the classroom.

More years passed and he was in 7th grade now. Still the loner, still the perfect child in his mothers eyes, but 7th grade was the first day of the rest of his life.

Bullys emerged in the 7th grade. Derek and Charlie and Carl and Scott. The horseman of the apocaypse. The movie Revenge of the Nerds came out when I was in 7th grade, and this changed everthing. The bullys strived to rollplay and mimic their role models in the movie.

The boy no longer had any safe place to go. That first day, he was in his classroom recess retreat, playing on the computer, totally enveloped in his world, when he was abruptly yanked out by the word NERD. “Nerd!!” They started yelling from the hallway, charging into the room, with smirks and the scariest look in their eyes, that he, to this day, has ever seen.

The started chanting, “Nerd Nerd Nerd Nerd” as they slowly approached and surrounded him, getting in his face, “Hey Nerd”… making fun of his hair. Calling him “Greaser” making fun of his nose, laughing at him. He just sat there, still trying to type on the computer, praying in his head that the recess bell would ring. They moved closer in, pulled the chair away from the computer, RINGGGG!

The recess bell rang. The sound of a stampede of 30 sweaty kids could be heard coming down the hall, the teacher walked in last, the bullys and everyone were taking their seats. Safe.

The remaining 240 days of school were all a blur of the same; he was not last picked in any games, he was never picked, the kids would argue with their teacher on why he shouldn’t be allowed to play, the male teachers woiuld try not to laugh, and pretend not to notice, as he sneaked away. The bullys then complained that he was not comimng outside for recess with the other kids, and so the teacher forbid him from staying in the classroom.

Later found out the teacher was the father of one of the bullys. The safety of the recess retreat was now gone, and the only thing left, the safety of the structured class time, was gone too. The teacher got in on the action, and started making fun of him during class, making the entire class laugh and play along. He would always get the hardest questions, once he even tricked the boy into trying to find the planet Uranus. When the boy couldn’t find it, the teacher jumped up and said, “What?! You can’t find your anus!!” From that point on, the bullys had more ammunition to throw at him.

Life was so horrible, he hated everything about school. He had no friends, the trauma and numbness that would occur from the daily lashing of being made fun of every living minute of his life at school, was so overwhelming and exhausting. But still, when he got home, his oblivious mother, would talk away on the phone about her perfect son.

When highschool started, it was more of the same, the same bullys went to his highschool, and with only 50 kids in his class, it wasn’t long before the girls were in on the action now. The girls would come up and laugh and make fun of him too. He was always the joke when it came to the girls. More of the same, more of the same.

Around his senior year, a transfer student from Hawaii came to the school. Chris was about 5′0 even, with long dark hair, and a bleach whisp of hair in the front. He was a surfer. Somehow, Chris and him ended up being friends for a short time (very short) it wasn’t long before he had to stop hanging around the boy, because of the guilt by association.

But there was that 2 weeks, that Chris didn’t know the boys reputation, and in that 2 weeks, the boy met some of Chris’ friends outside of School; Gary, Van and Shane.

Soon Chris disappeared, because of the stigma of being friends with the Nerd, Loser kid in high school. He knew how to make friends and fit in with the A-Crowd and so he did what he had to do to survive…. and I don’t blame him at all. I wouldn’t want that curse either.

But the story doesn’t move to that direction, the story is with Gary, Van and Shane. These guys went to another high school, a big high school. These guys were the A-Crowd at their school. These guys were the studs with all the girls, and the fame and the cars and the clothes… and they didn’t know the boys history and the four of them became best friends!

The boy, now had a name.. Dave! Dave, Gary, Van and Shane. Dave’s world opened up in a flourish of color and sound and life!!! The black and white murky movie, instantly turned into surround sound dolby technacolor!!!!!!! This is what life was about!! This is who Dave was meant to be!!!!!!!

Dave went to partys, went on dates, became friends with everyone he wanted to, he was cool! He was going to the clubs, laughing at the partys, dancing with the most beautiful girls. Life was outstanding!!!! That was the best summer of his life!

Dave then went off to college, and had to leave his friends behind. College was amazing, he walked into college, and girls wanted to be by his side, ironically, he became friends with the big Fraternity (Revenge of the Nerds, eat your heart out) He was in. These guys were crazy, and bigger then life, and he was partying with them, he was hanging with the girls, and the partys, he was in the cool Frat.

Dave was loving it, but Dave started to change. He was becoming the asshole. He was starting to make fun of the weaker ones, he was being the jerk to the girls, he was becoming what that little namesless boy in 7th grade was so terrified of. He switched roles, and was loving it. He started tearing through friends after friends, burning bridges, one after another. What did he care, he’ll make more friends. It was so convenient, lose a friend, big deal, I’ll get another. He was becoming a monster, emotionally hurting people just as had happened to him.

Until the grades fell, and when the grades fell, he flunked out of college, and had to move back home with the mother who praised him unconditionally. He’ll never forget his mothers voice, “I feel so sad for who you’ve become, and how you are treating people. I don’t know who you are anymore”

Dave soon got a job, and made more friends, and did more of the same, leaving apocalypic aftermath in his wake. Until he met her.

I don’t know what it was about her, she was a bit immune to his tactics, he took it as a challenge. So he turned up his volume, until he felt he won, but when she cried, he stopped. He never seen anyone cry before. Until now, it was just a game, a game between fellow players. But she cried, and she was hurt. The nurturing side of Dave came out, and he comforted her. He started toning it down a little, and if and when he got out of line, she wouldn’t cry anymore but was getting more manipulative with her emotions. Soon the tables were reversing, she started making fun of him, slowly finding button by button in his tough exterior, she started telling Dave how she overheard people making fun of his nose, and how he started to look nerdy, and how those people really didn’t like him at all.

She started beating him down, and bring back all of the memories and pain. She was the bully, and she used all her bully tricks to hurt Dave.

They soon were married. She forbid him to have any contact with any of his friends, she forbid him to do anyting but go to work and come home, her family woiuld talk about Dave under their breath, he could see himself again in school, with all the kids whispering and talking about him.

Dave was caught in a whirlwind downward spiral, taking him all the way back down, all of his defenses destroyed. The marriage soon divorced, and he was alone again. Now friendless again, she brought back the fear that other people didn’t want to be his friends, he couldn’t look anyone in the eye anymore, and he slowly fell back to that nerdy little boy, but this time he was 37.

And the horrible life he lived, had the karma come back and slap him in the face. He was humbled, alone, sorry for all the pain he had caused everyone he had met. All of the fears of that little boy are now back. He is alone, with his blocks once more, he walks down the street and bullys are picking on him again. Laughing at him, calling him names.

Dave had no identity anymore, so he started from scratch. He was sorry for all of the people he treated so badly, and vowed from this day forward that he would only expend good energy unto the world from here on out. He changed his way of thinking. It wasn’t about being that larger then life person, and having people wanting to be around you because of that. It was about helping other people feel that way about themselves.

Dave changed everything. It wasn’t too late to make it right. He realized people weren’t making fun of him, they were making fun of what he was trying to be. Some character out of a movie or something.

He slowly started losing his fears, because now when he approached people, it wasn’t to get them to accept him, he appoached people now, because he wanted them to feel accepted. He wanted everyone to feel good about who they were in this world. He wanted to say, Hi!

He soon learned everyone had this type of story in their life, and what he used to see as other people trying to make him feel stupid or inferiour, he now realized, that the first sentance out of their mouth, is not the end. its the beginning. Dave learned to engage in conversation, and laugh with people, and learned the power of a smile and taking conversation a step further.

He started gaining real friends this time, but that’s not what he wanted, he wanted that feeling, that comfort of knowing that we are all in this together, and we are all connected, and the good feelings and energy that come out of that, is what make us feel great to be around each other. We want to feel good, and we love being around people that make us feel safe.

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 25th, 2009 at 2:12 pm

@D, Great Story Dave and well worth the time to read. Thanks a bunch. Even if our school experience was much better, we all knew you or someone like you and probably more than one. Every one who attended school must resonate with this.

The one inheritance most children are likely to inherit from one or both parents is pain and who will tell us we can refuse it? These are the victim years, the years in which most victims are created. Society has not begun to examine the true nature of child abuse, which becomes a family tradition, passed to successive generations. Every parent marks their children for identification purposes. This one’s mine. A local elder was very fond of the expression: As the twig is bent, so grows the tree. There is sufficient wisdom in the expression he was fond of repeating it. Perhaps the way we raise our children is our greatest collective and individual wrong. And who puts much thought into it by the age of 20 or 25?

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Chris Cade Reply:
July 25th, 2009 at 2:15 pm

D,

Thank you for sharing your story – I sense it is very personal and intimate… close to your heart.

I too have a past full of rejection from my peers – being teased for how I looked, how I acted, because I was a dork. Most of my peers avoided me like the plague.

And I too went through the “cool” phase – trying to be somebody I wasn’t, just to prove I wasn’t a dork and to prove I was “Okay” by society’s standards.

Decades of damage, and another decade of repair. Not easy to say the least.

Thank you for sharing this story. It touched me; perhaps because it read in many ways like parts of my own life story.

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Lani Gossett Reply:
July 26th, 2009 at 12:16 pm

@D, Hi Dave,
I love the transformation. I wonder what led you to your final transformation. I could see myself in part of your story – the nerd, the one no one wanted to be on their team, the girl with little athletic abilities. Then I performed a can can dance at the school talent show, and my 8th grade teacher was so surprised that someone who acted so shy could dance like that. I think dance saved my life on many levels. I’ve always liked costumes because then I could be whoever I wanted to be (maybe the real me finally came out.) Thank you for sharing your story.
Lani

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D Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 9:21 am

@Lani Gossett,

Thanks Lani. I guess what caused the transformation, was for some reason, I held marriage in a very sacred light. Not sure, if it was my Cstholic upbringing, or just holding on that childhood dream of what the perfect marriage was.

Bottom line, divorce was not an option.

I didn’t believe in failure. I could succeed at everything and marriage was no differant.

The conflicts in the marriage were bad (and im sorry this post is not in the conflict section) It was always “my fault”, her unhappiness. She was always sad and angry, because “of me”. I wanted to go to couples counceling early on, but her reply was “why should I go to counceling when it’s you that has to change”

So I went, every two weeks, by myself, for 3 years. I instructed the councelor that my marriage was failing, due to extreme conflict and drama, and I wanted my marriage to work. I told her, i wanted to be the best husband, I could be, and there were no limits on what I was willing to do to become a better person.

I even went to differant therapists simultaneously, to make sure I was getting the right advice.

Years passed, I was so proud of the progess I was making, I was transforming into the person I wanted to be. I learned how to communicate to avoid conflict, I learned how to understand the needs of my relationship parter, I learned the power of helping out and helping her relax.

The transformation was amazing, but still the conflicts continued, worse then ever.

After a few years the therapist finally said, that it’s time for me to stop focusing on what you can do to make the conflict stop, and it’s time to focus on making you happy with yourself.

She was right, I was walking on eggshells trying to please her borderline-personality.

She taught me to start following my dreams again, I went back to school, I started exercising, I started taking care of myself. This was it, this was what was making me a better person, and on the third year, after daily journaling, and working on loving myself again, it all came clear. The answer was that I had to remove myself from this toxic relationship, and so I filed for divorce.

so, in answer to your question, on what prompted my transformation. It was being in a relationship with someone that was just as toxic as I was. It reversed roles, and I could see first hand, the damage of jealousy, manipulation, and rage.

After the divorce, I lost my job, she took half of my assets, and the tanking economy took the rest.

I fell deep into a hole of worthless feelings, and it seemed everyone was against me.

I lost the tools that I had acquired in my journey, the ones that made me strong and happy. So I’m starting the journey again, to get me back on top of my life, and so far, it’s working… the only thing left, is getting past these bruises again, and learn to forgive.

I think after I learn that, the rest will fall into place.

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Sharon Reply:
July 26th, 2009 at 9:32 pm

@D, Yes great story. Well written. Thank you for taking the time to write it.

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Don Reply:
August 8th, 2009 at 12:58 am

@D, I know how you feel. And I can identify with a lot of your story. I, too, felt I was unloved. But as I grew older, I realized that my parents did what they thought they had to do, and others did what they were taught to do. And I knew it wasn’t their fault. I am who I am, because of what I went through and because I quit blaming them for what they did to me. They were being themselves, too-at the time. When I became older, after two divorces and one son, my parents often apologized for their interferences, but I refused to blame them for what they thought they had to do. I am still me! And I can choose how I feel! I will survive!

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Dear Chris and Jamie, listening to you both talking was like recognizing something I’m just discovering i can do to heal my lifelong personality problems… I’m in a time on my life where I’m re-evaluating everything about myself and discovering that as a child I took on board mostly the negative viewings my parents had about the world and themselves. I did that to earn their love but in the process I lost touch with myself to the extent that I spent all my adult life asking myself: what do I want? Well, I’m 44 and still asking. I have always been very hard on myself and always had difficulty in forgiving myself. I know there is a lot of resentment towards my mother too and I feel it in my heart. I do hope that I’ll be able to forgive both her and myself and eventually to discover what it is that I really want in my life once I find myself again…

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Chris Cade Reply:
July 25th, 2009 at 2:24 pm

Simone,

You make a very important point when you say “I did that to earn their love but in the process I lost touch with myself.” In our childhood, we often stray away from our “true” selves in order to protect ourselves from the pains of childhood.

Most parents are not trained with the psychological and spiritual tools to be able to raise children in a conscious and aware manner. The result is that many parents bring children away from their true selves, rather than reinforcing a child’s innate qualities like curiosity, strength, courage, intelligence, and others.

This has been a challenge in my own role as a parent – that as I move along my spiritual path, to be aware and conscious of the conditioning and patterns I pass on to my son.

I wish for you that as you begin to unravel your story, and understand and unravel your mothers’ story, you can find a path to the forgiveness and peace that your heart clearly desires.

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 25th, 2009 at 2:25 pm

@Simone, Dear Universe, please forgive me the same way I forgive others. You see, it is not only a matter of forgiveness but a matter of style and grace. If I can be forgiven at this very moment for all I have done, would I prefer a postponement? Next year? On my deathbed? What do I think others would prefer?

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Another name for this is journaling. Another name is tweeting … in a sense twitter has taken off because it becomes a shared journal of our lives. I know folks are using it for marketing, and business now … and that’s ok … because it become an interesting blend of commerce and life.

http://www.spirittouchcenter.com/Articles/The%20Power%20in%20Journaling.pdf
http://www.absolutewrite.com/novels/power_of_journaling.htm (Eric Miner)
http://www.forgetthejoneses.com/happiness/life-journaling.html

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 25th, 2009 at 2:43 pm

@Clifford, Thanks for the links. Together and separately we are becoming public spirits because science and technology not only allows but encourages. Therefore we are all encouraged, whatever we choose to do with such blessed opportunity. To watch it happen right here and now, is to witness a great historical event we can tell our grandchildren about. We are honored. We are privileged. We are blessed. As Joni Mitchell put it: “We are stardust. We are golden. And we’ve got to get ourselves back to the garden”. She sang this back in’69 or’70 and now we see this great push for local agriculture 40 years later.

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Chris Cade Reply:
July 25th, 2009 at 2:48 pm

Ed,

Your comment reminds me of the movie, “Stardust” which I enjoyed.

Also, thank you for actively supporting this community. I know others have commented on how helpful your insights have been, especially the comments where you provide pointers for their innate curiosity to lead them to the solutions and answers that are right for them.

So often in our spiritual paths we learn things that we feel are “absolute truths,” and yet when we go to share them with others the wisdom gets lost in translation.

This is why in my particular approach, I’ve strived to focus on providing insights and tools that enable others to find the answers that are right for their own path and empowerment.

Thanks again for all your support! I hope that when the Inscribe Your Life Program is available (soon), that you’ll consider joining the Community. There’s going to be an exclusive Members only area where we continue to create a safe, supportive environment to explore our writing and our spiritual development.

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 25th, 2009 at 3:21 pm

@Chris Cade, I have loved this work from the moment I was aware of it. I think we were discovering the unintended consequences about the same time and I swear I was no less excited by them than you. I was exerting my puny influence to send friends here and anyone who would listen. My opportunity to participate has been a great blessing to me as well as others. I have already begun to form priceless friendships with others here. What do I then owe you? Continued support at the very least. So if you want to count me, count me in. Thanks for the generous invitation.

Let us daily increase in: wisdom, love, gratitude, reverence, healing, peace, joy, happiness, laughter, and prosperity. (Chris, if anyone on this planet deserves to be paid, he surely shares your name.)

Blessings X 10,

Ed

There was a sweet, wonder-filled little girl who was hurt over and over so badly that she entered adult life assuming that she was so bad that others just couldn’t be nice to her.

What she didn’t know until much later, was that God had given her an extra dose of curiosity. This curiosity is what kept her going, seeking answers. She sought many wise people to help her understand why she was so bad that her mother hurt her. And why she was unable to be better so that men wouldn’t hurt her.

She was on a journey that she thought was to help her be “better”, but she dragged a big sack with her everywhere she went. Inside this sack were all the hurts she had experienced. Because she was so eager to please those who offered their wisdom, she willingly agreed with what they said about forgiving and compassion toward those who caused the hurts. But she clung tightly to that sack of hurts.

But over time, she started loosening her grip on that sack. Her curiosity prompting her to explore….what if she let just one of them go?; what if she looked at the men as victims, too?; what if she looked at her mother as woman instead of a villain?

After 50 years of dragging that sack around and boldly showing it to all she met as if it were proof that she was a good person, she decided to open it up and just see what happened.

When she looked inside it was filled with bits of paper. At one time they had words on them, detailing the hurts. But time had faded the words and all that was left was some tattered and torn scraps of useless paper. She had been struggling to carry this bag that held nothing but the image of something that once was.

This sweet little girl had now become an almost-old woman. She saw the absurdity of lugging that bag around. It made her laugh. She started laughing and the laughter led to dancing and she felt free!

She was able to see her mother as a young woman with long beautiful hair. Her mother was a woman, a mother who loved her child, and she was sad that her little girl felt unloved.

By letting go of the sack of paper, and having compassion for those that hurt her, this little girl was able to become a woman. The woman looked in the mirror and said, “I am smart. I am interesting. I am kind. I am talented.”

But most importantly, she was able to say “I am lovable.” Although it took many years, she was finally open to bringing love and respect into her life in the people she surrounded herself with.

She finally saw the sweet, wonder-filled little girl that she had always been.

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Chris Cade Reply:
July 25th, 2009 at 2:27 pm

Zura,

There is some powerful wisdom in your story – thank you for sharing!

I encourage everybody to read this story. Perhaps you’d be willing to share it on spiritual-short-stories.com someday?

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just me Reply:
July 26th, 2009 at 1:31 am

@Chris Cade,
I just thought I’d share a little immediate feedback – only a matter of a few hours after sseing the latest (half) video (did you shoot the neighbour with the blower and mower?!)… LOL
I then read No 5 (Dave) and No 11 (Zura) and got the full picture on my husband. Now, like everyone, I’ve been coming here for my own journey but I also have quite a lot to deal with in life from my husbands behaviours (and my response to them). I’m not trying to sound like a victim, but as Dave above said, folk who’ve been through that whole bullying-neglect-belittling thing as children have the capacity to be pretty manipulative with those they love. Anyway, we and our kids have just had the best few hours together and quite honestly it’s because in the reading of the stories above I was able to see what had happened to my husband, and to suddenly and totally forgive him. It’s truly amazing how from the first instant of forgiveness all that other crap like anger and resentment and suppressed rage and regret, just dissolves like sugar in hot tea. So we’ve just had the sweetest little drink of life together and our eldest daughter (11) was astute enough to just say to me “gee mum, I’ve never seen you and Dad laughing and kissing so much”. Now there’s wisdom from the mouths of babes! But how sad for my kids to have seen so much repressed anger for so long… Lots of healing still to do, and a lot of it in me. PS I’m not sure if I’m drawing a long bow here, but 20 minutes after we returned from our happy adventure the phone rang. My husband was offered a short job doing something he’s been trying to get into for about 2 years (but has little experience doing). Because he felt loved (and not resented)he was confident enough to say “YES!”. Even yesterday, being so self-destructive, he might have talked the other guy out of it. True story!!!

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 26th, 2009 at 10:14 am

@just me, What a great testimonial for what can develop through a community of caring people and this project in particular! Thank you so much for sharing. I hope all these people who are hoping SOME DAY things will change will read this story and see how quickly it can be done. I have this feeling there will be new additions to this story day by day. Please continue sharing with us. You have already blessed many.

Ed Howes Reply:
July 25th, 2009 at 2:54 pm

@Zura, Can’t fool me! I looked in your sack and every little slip of paper was stuck to a great stone. What would life be like if we could find the innocent child in everyone we knew? I have found many innocent children here and can’t help loving them. What’s wrong with me?

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Nancy Reply:
July 25th, 2009 at 5:51 pm

@Ed Howes,
Strange question….
Why do you want anything to be wrong with you?

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 25th, 2009 at 11:34 pm

@Nancy, I don’t want anything to be wrong with me. It was a sarcasm directed at common social expectations.

just me Reply:
July 26th, 2009 at 8:55 pm

@Ed Howes, Hi Ed,
couldn’t reply to the message above for some reason. so here ’tis. Just wanted to say that “it’s a work in progress”. Even after wonderful yesterday my husband still woke up today with “Sh***t on his liver” as he often does, and went straight into his “grumbling, blaming everyone else, wingeing about the weather” morning routine that culminated with yelling at me (filing-queen!!)for losing an account!!! What is it with 58 yo grumpy old men??!! Anyway I PRACTICED “overlook, forgive, bless” or whatever you said… and it almost worked! I’m not feeling as wound up as I usually do with the injustice. I just wish he’d find some happiness in his soul. It’s such a waste of a lovely man.

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 28th, 2009 at 12:32 pm

@just me, Congrats on your efforts. They say a new practice requires 30 days to become habit, which is the reward for patience. You might also change his behavior some with validation by openly admiring his better qualities. Don’t forget he also requires 30 days to break his bad habits, assuming he has encouragement to do so in the first place.

Lani Gossett Reply:
July 26th, 2009 at 12:38 pm

@Zura,
Hi Zura,
What a great story of how hanging on to old hurts burdens us, and how forgiveness sets us free. To forgive is not to condone what was done to you but to let it go so you can live your life fully without carrying around that huge bag of faded pieces of paper. Good job! I’ve always told my children that when people hurt you, that is reflective of where they are and has nothing to do with you personally. It helps not to take things personally, and to forgive and stop being a willing victim. I learned the hard way that it takes two to play the games. When I finally stopped playing, my life changed. It sounds like you stopped playing the game too.
Lani

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david Reply:
July 30th, 2009 at 8:07 pm

@Lani Gossett, Your last 3 sentances are most important. All this forgivness stuff is fine. It does reduce the pain and helps form a new view BUT…..I have for close to half my life been a forgiving, humble, take no offence type. I learned the value of forgiveness. Last week before I found this place, I had an awakening. I was working on a project with several people, one of whom seems to take great joy out of needleing me. Not great slashes but little pricks. He does not do this to others. His trick is to ask what at first blush is an innocent question which is really a setup. In this case , I had made a small ledger in which to enter cash flow and debts. I am not versed in bookkeeping but know enough to set a simple record. I was entering data at the meeting when he asked me what would happen if one of the pages got torn out? Normally I would have followed his lead repling in an attempt to answer. This time I immediately sensed he was up to no good and replied. What? He repeated the question to which I replied “Whats the point?” He tried to push it further repeating himself and I repeated my self. He then said “you forgot to number the pages”. I had. Rather than point out they were not numbered or saying perhaps it would be useful to number them he chose to set me up. Then point out my error. So as to make the critizism sting a little. But I cut him off. The point of the story is that I had been participating in his game. I was a willing victim. Innocently or unconsciously or not. I realized later that I had been practicing a half truth in two ways. One, that I was the loving person who forgave others their errors wasn’t exactly true. That is just a facade for one who likes being a victim and plays the game. And two I had been instructed by a half truth – and here is the point of this comment – the instruction is to turn the other cheek. OK that’s fine but the other part that is never stressed and was referred to only obliquely in the above comment is, ‘and stop the abuse’. You do not go around forgiving folks and that is it. No, you draw boundaries, set limits clearly and not tolerate these being exceeded. To not do so is asking for further abuse and reveling in your victimhood. Even while forgiving them. So lets hear the FULL instruction and a little less of the “it’s wonderful to forgive” That was my lesson last week. This week I get to meet again with my guru, rabbi teacher in this matter. We’ll see what happens.

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Mary Reply:
July 26th, 2009 at 11:00 pm

@Zura,

I am really appreciative of your writing your story. I almost could have written it myself. As I am presently doing theraputic work on myself, I noticed just a day ago how unknowingly, I was still carrying around my”unloved and unlovable me story.” Hearing you write, reminded me that I can choose to let that bag of hurts go…Thanks,
Mary

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 28th, 2009 at 12:34 pm

@Mary, Thank you for this support. It helps all of us see the great value in community without borders.

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For a long time I carried hurt in my heart – being judged by others because of my ethnic origins (Serbian) during the dreadful conflicts in former Yugoslavia. I faced many difficulties, isolation, taunts – you name it. I released this unforgivenss I carried inside after much meditation, prayer and reflection. I believe it was serendipity, somone who was a stranger at the time brought this to my awareness in the oddest of ways. He had just moved into the neighbourhood and saw me leaving with a pillow. He introduced himself and asked what was with the pillow thing? I was going into hospital to have my gall bladder and stones removed (allergy to feathers – hence my own pillow). We didn’t know each oher but he offered help if needed. After the op and my return we spoke on several occasions and it was then that he suggested that my ’stones’ were something I had manifested in the past and my body no longer had need of them. Now 3 years years later I think of him as a friend of the spirit. He sees my aura, he has helped me in so many ways to begin to grow again. I posted my story about conflict as well so I shan’t repeat all the details again here. But I have recently experienced the pain of betrayal and infidelity. In my heart I know that each action a person takes is motivated by either love or fear. I know that my ex-partner acted through fear and it is why I have compassion for him – no anger. The problem I do have is forgiving myself for having trusted someone so totally that I left my heart so vulnerable. I know this is something that only I can do for myself again through meditation, connecting with my higher self. I know that this experience is for my higher good and one day I shall understand the reason for this lesson. Forgiveness of myself will be possible when I let go of the attachment I still have to finding the reason for the deception. How does one understand another’s reason for betrayal? It is not possible – he does not know the reason for it himself; he too, is a victim of the fear that led him down the path he chose. I still hold love in my heart for him – although it is not something he accepts anymore. I can only live my truth – I can only follow my heart even though I know that to do so means that I feel the deepest pain imaginable. I have always lived a life of truth – my truth, my perception of it. That is another reason why I can’t forgive myself at this moment – I believe that truth sets a person free – yet I have made myself a prisoner by following my heart. I face a battle within myself and it’s really about the pain of separation. A part of me grieves for love lost yet another part believes that there can be no separation because we are all fragments of ‘One’. Once I learn to subdue the conscious mind in this battle – I shall have found forgivenss of myself. The truth is, (my truth anyway), that I should love myself more because my heart still dares to love – no matter what the outcome. This is the eternal part of me the part that reflects my higher self. It is the beautiful part of me that certain others choose not to see.

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 25th, 2009 at 3:07 pm

@AnyAllOrNone, Thank you for this story and please read it until you see you are punishing your loving heart for allowing pain you insist on reliving. You are instructing the organ that keeps you alive to harden. Is a hard, pain proof heart what you truly want?

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Mel MacDonald Reply:
July 25th, 2009 at 11:38 pm

@AnyAllOrNone,
your beauty is evident in your understanding of your true nature. Remain true to yourself and things will evolve in line with your higher good.

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Chris Cade Reply:
July 25th, 2009 at 11:56 pm

AnyAllOrNone – I am curious what you might discover if you were to temporarily experience a life without trying to live up to specific spiritual ideals. How would you feel if you didn’t think you “should” be a certain way?

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Myrtha Reply:
July 28th, 2009 at 5:33 am

@AnyAllOrNone, I was fascinated by your first piece and I wondered which country it was you had moved to?

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Gosh, as many said above, your video arrived at a most opportune time. My husband and I, both divorced & remarried, just had some “stories” spilled to us from his daughter which were very hard to hear. I found myself getting angry and involved, neither one of which I should have been! To hear that we were listening to her “victim story” has put it in such a different perspective for me, as I was wondering the last couple of days how I could deal with the information that was dumped. I was just plain angry! But now I realize that “dump” picked up something from my stories – makes so much sense not sure why I couldn’t see this before. Must be that old story about forest & trees or something! Anyway, I can’t thank you enough for giving us all access to this video.
At 60 years of age I know I have many stories to rewrite, but I know they have to come in their own time. So I’ll work on figuring this one out, thanks to Jaime & Chris.
Peace, love & growth to all – one story at a time!
Barbara

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 25th, 2009 at 11:38 pm

@Barbara, Thanks for sharing. Aaaah sweet, sweet discovery.

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My mother created an enormous conflict for me(or I thought she did) When I was 15 she told me I had been adopted and I wasn`t to tell my father as it could kill him and also if I wasn`t good he might send me back. I did think she was more afraid that he would kill her if he knew she had told me. Anyway a conflict arose- I wanted to speak to him about it but at the back of my mind there was a doubt. At the time I had compassion for my mother and thought she wouldn`t have done what she had done.
Most of my adult life was spent being loyal to my mother( not speaking) and also not wanting to hurt her by seeking my birth mother.
A short while before she died I was talking to her on the phone and the truth came out – she did know what she was doing and she did it to make me be good. I had never felt contempt before and truly it was a monstrously horrible feeling, not only did I have contempt for her but also for myself for allowing myself to become a dupe of hers and also her victim in some ways. I realised I was not living my life but hers out of my misguided compassion for her and loyalty.
I had given my power away to someone outside of me. Misguided compassion can sometimes be the tool of people who are afraid to speak up and that was me.
From that moment on I delved into my shadow and dived into feelings which I was afraid of.I have learn`t that forgiveness, while it enabled me to feel better did not mean I had let go of an unconscious belief which was still driving me.
It was when I allowed myself to stay with a horrible feeling and observe it that I saw a pattern which had run through my life.It was an instantaneous 1seeing` and there was now no way this pattern could have the hold on me it once did as I ceased to align with it as it was so detrimental to me and part of it was about speaking up for my own self and truth. This was a pattern which was trapped at the cellular level which I had created to protect me and there was no way or dissolving or resolving it through any concept as it had to be directly experienced for it to be let go of. Tentacles of it it still come up so I know I still have some work to do on it.
I now see that I have to create myself as a victim as otherwise there would be no need for forgiveness. So over time I have been able to free myself from a victim mentality and am also freeing myself from a poverty consciousness. I am so grateful that I have met my shadow and we are getting to know each other
Best wishes to you and everyone who has written here

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Chris Cade Reply:
July 25th, 2009 at 11:59 pm

I wish you continued courage in getting to know your shadow. I know it’s not easy, Jane!

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A few years ago I began to have a breakdown on all levels, nervous, emotional, spiritual, physical.
One added experience at this time was that my bestfriends wife sent me a long letter expressing how she had hated me for the last 5 years, since the day she met me. Though there is a long list of wonderful thing I have done out of friendship for her she had never seen any good in me and only began a long list of what was wrong with me. Not only did she start this list I am sure she communicated this with others, harming me all along.
In the midst of my depression and horrid situation I received this letter. I felt lost and abandoned and betrayed. I began to question what she said and what she beilieved, was it true, was she right, was that me?
After 2 weeks meditation and finding my path again I wrote her a response letter. The first letter was very long and I defended my self. Then I sent the letter , not to her but sent it away and felt a million tons lighter and free.
Later I sent her a short but simple letter saying that I hope one day we can be friends. And I sent a letter to my best friend saying how sad I was that we had lost our friendship but that I will always treasure our past and thanked him for being my friend. I have never heard from either of them again.
My life has changed in so many ways over the last 2 years. I am on a path that I see now and I am in love with my life. I am happy and now see where i am going.
I wish to let go of the regret that I have lost these friendships, to understand what happened. I realize that the pain that she expressed in the letter had nothing to do with me but is her story playing out , but I feel that there must be a reason she gave it all to me. I did learn alot from the experience. I want to be happy with the letter I wrote to her and acknowledge her pain and know what she will learn what she needs to from this as well. But I also want to tell her how horrid she was and that “I may have done or said things in ignorance but every word she wrote was poisoned with hate and aimed at my heart with intention.” And really I never want to be friends with such a nasty unloving person. So when she changes, as we are all doing everyday, and she becomes I nice person, then I will be happy to be friends with her but not until then, because any one who could say those things is not the kind of person I want to be friends with.
I want to forgive myself for not saying this before and to her and letting her feel like she won and knocked me down and put me in my place.
I have not seen these people in years and dont know when I will or if. But I have fear of the day when it will happen because I dont feel that it is resolved I dont feel that it is done. I want to let it go and be done with it.

I want to forgive them both for not loving me.( I have read that over and over and I wont write any more now, that was the point, i get it now)

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Myrtha Reply:
July 28th, 2009 at 6:32 am

@Casey, my ten-year-old daughter said something so profound to me when we were on holiday this year. I was sad about being dumped by a friend who had sent me a very painful, unnecessary letter, and I said to my husband, it’s all very well you trying to comfort me by calling him a ‘loser’, but it feels REALLY bad being rejected by a loser. If I can’t even persuade a loser to be my friend, where does that leave me? And my daughter, who was listening, said, but that’s why people are losers, because they can’t get on with anyone, it’s not just you he doesn’t get on with. This helped me more than anything any of my older children had come up with (he’s scared of you, he’s jealous of you, he’s a psychopath, we warned you…) Sometimes people do incomprehensible things, and no amount of torturing yourself about it will help you to come up with an explanation. If I have understood it correctly, this is where the story-writing can help.

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 28th, 2009 at 12:44 pm

@Myrtha, Thanks for this story especially. The fact you had so much care and support in your family should make your gratitude dwarf your hurt.

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Wow Chris- – -You can put Ed Howes on the pay roll! Every reply was bang on. Now wouldn’t it be grand to have those same thoughts accessable whenever we need them. Ah, but now we have this meaningful “blog”, and your efforts to resort to.
One day when time permits I will tell you my story, it has a golden thread through out that is similar to yours. I never would have dreamed I would be where I am today, just 5 years ago. Absolutely blessed.

Everything is on your path- peace – Love – Good-ALL.

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 26th, 2009 at 10:32 am

@Bubba B, Thanks for your recommendation. It is nice to be appreciated and even nicer to hear or read it. Like you, I also hope these blogs become a permanent part of the free access web site. Too much good here to stash in a file somewhere. I look forward to reading your story here.

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NIce video on forgiveness. I have not thought about story as a means to work through our stuff but I have known it.

I am trying to shift my world from the 9 to 5 to a spiritual website as my livelihood and a way of service to humanity. A circle of mutual support, as I feel we are all here to teach and learn from each others and support each other in living the wild possibilities in thei sacred journey of together birthing our divine nature on Mother Earth.

Blessings,

Richasu

“A friend is a loved one who awakens your life to free the wild possibilities within you”
~John O’Donohue

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 2:39 am

@Richasu, Looks like you have found a good place.

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Russell Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 1:28 pm

@Richasu, I very much would like to do the same. Perhaps we should get together and compare notes. Many blessings.

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Until 2008, I allowed myself to believe that I was a ghastly, evil, dispicable and unworthy person. For 15 years I lived a life of trying to please others by becoming the person I thought they wanted instead of simply allowing myself to be me. I busied myself with caring for and impressing others. While I gave to others, I shut down the part of myself that would have allowed the wonderful gift of their love in.
At the age of 19,I had allowed myself to be verbally coerced by my boyfriend, into acting on something that I had not taken enough time to consider myself.
For a long while after this experience, amongst the cloudy disillusionment the only thing I saw clearly was that I despised myself more than I even despised him!
As life would have it, we parted ways and I struggled with feelings of guilt, shame and unworthiness for a very long time.
Thankfully, I have been sharing my life for some time now with a partner that has allowed my heart to unfurl and even blossom.
He has allowed me to be vulnerable and expose the bare bones of who I truely am: without judgement.
Over time, I have been shedding the many layers of protection and disguise I had been carrying. My personal growth is becomming more and more rapid.
With my husbands encouragement, I set out to quiety contemplate life by the beach one evening last year, while under the curious eye of the full moon.
The universe seemed to call out to my soul, a message that I sensed I had heard before but hadn’t previously been prepared to listen to.
With a shock, I realsied that I was my own worst enemy. I was harsh, unkind and judged myself severely. I clearly saw many times in my life when I had set myself up for failure.
My heart spoke to me too and reassured me of what I knew to be true.
I was a wonderful person with love to give. More importantly, I was totally derserving of all good things and love people were trying to give me all these years.
I decided there and then to change my belief. I chose to adopt an attitude of non-violence toward myself. I decided to be kinder, more loving and totally accepting of myself. I decided to believe that the experience I’d had many years ago didn’t have to mean anything. It was simply an experience: end of story.
For a long while I had been asking my spiritual guides to help me sever the ties that bind me to things that no longer serve my higher good.I was amazed at the ease at which this BIG one was snipped from my being. I felt much lighter but like something wasn’t quite in place yet.
I realised that I needed to forgive myself and felt instantly stuck!
I went back a step and focused on how amazing it was to feel so much lighter already. I acknowledged that it was because I had released a huge burden. I was even more surprised with the next thought, “and it wasn’t even my burden to carry”.
I swear the angels in the heavens rejoiced and sang out, “Hallelujah, she finally got. Thank goodness it was in this life time. She finally got it!”
I found my answer in the wisdom of Michael Franti’s lyrics;
“The day you let go
Is the day you are forgiven”
All I needed to do was let go of it. With a deep breath I mustered up all the beliefs, negative feelings and meanings I had attached to this situation and exhaled them out of my being forever.
Something wonderful happened. The recently vacated space inside me was now being occupied graciously with forgiveness.
Driving home with tears of joy dripping from my chin, the stars blinked a knowing wink in my direction. Being forgiving, compassionate and accepting of myself allows me to sparkle in my own truth. And I have the support of the universe in this endeavour.

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 2:35 am

@Mel MacDonald, Nice story. Kinda scary when we think it may have taken us a lifetime or two to learn such a simple lesson, eh?

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thank you so much ..i have learned a lot ..as i had watched the video ,i realized the tru value of life ..material things doesnt matter..contentment in life is the real happiness and success .

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this story started last fall and is still very trying on me. it not only affects me but two of my best friends too. i am prettty well house bound and was really wanting a girlfriend, just to talk to everyday, have bitching sessions with, you know. i play no money poker alot, so i met this girl on that site. she was so funny and caring, i thought she would make a good friend. we shared out emails and then eventually started IMng everyday. i will call her sue. i looked so forward, everyday talking to her and laughing at her jokes, she would send me funny emails and religious ones too. i and another male friend of mine got so into her, we were all so close, being togeather every day. then she lowered the boom and told us she had brain cancer. since my mother had had leukemia for over 20 years, i knew so much about chemo and radiation, i automatically took over to guide her through what to expect, we would take turns staying up at night with her when she was vomitting from the chemo. she had to quit work, so she had no money to pay bills and rent. since we live in different countries, i didn’t know about which help she could get from the gov’t. i couldn’t stand the thought of her being out in the street, so i sent her $1000, which is alot of money for me and all the while she is making my male friend fall in love with her. she told us she weighs 108 lbs and she was 52 years old. little by little, some lies started to surface and both myself and my male friend started doubting. but we didn’t know how each other were feeling because we wouldn’t talk about it. then whamo, another dear friend of ours, tells me that sue is 60 years old and weighs 350lbs. if she had told the truth to me, i wouldn’t have cared but she wouldn’t have gotten my male friend to love her, in her mind. but the worst of it was, is i found out from people in her town, that she doesn’t have cancer and she gets money from anyone she can, all over the world. now all three of us dummies are very hurt, we try our best not to talk to her, but she does come onto poker and it becomes very painfull and we don’t know what to do. i miss my girlfriend and feel very cheated by her, i pray for her everyday because i realize she is sick but i can’t seem to get over the terrible thing she did to us all. thank you for listening, penny

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 2:09 am

@penny young, Thank you for your story. Instead of looking for friends on a poker site, why not try a more spiritual site to find companionship. Something like intent.com or inscribeyourlife?

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penny young Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 1:00 pm

@Ed Howes, i enjoy playing poker ed, but i guess you are right. although i have met alot of really special people from there, it doesn’t really matter where you are, in my books people should always be good to each other. i am sure i look like a fool to you but i am a christian and i never gave it a second thought to help someone. i just need a way to get this out of my mind and stop hurting me. i guess all it takes is time. thank you for your answer, penny

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 28th, 2009 at 12:49 pm

@penny young, Maybe you don’t have to choose between poker and friendship but if you did, how would you choose?

Rebeca Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 11:03 am

@penny young, You ARE NOT a victum. What did you learn about YOURSELF from the experience?

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Loved the video and the idea that we all play out and relate to one another using our different stories. My story of forgiveness is still playing out with my ex-husband whom I found to be having an affair – with a man. When confronted, he admitted that he had been gay all along and that had not been his first affair. Seventeen years of marriage, 3 kids, several affairs with men, the deceit that went into being a heterosexual, the destruction of a marriage and family as I knew it – that was devastating. Two and a half years later, I am finally divorced, but it has been some of the toughest years of my life. As a stay-at-home mother with no college degree, he would leave me with no money some months to support our children (he is a physician). At one point he moved back into the house after a year of being out because he wanted the house and the kids back. After getting a court order to have him removed, he then went after full custody of the children trying his best to portray me as a negligent mother, emailing our oldest her parent’s derisive emails saying that that was what her mother was like, calling the cops when the children were with me and the new man in my life, threatening to put me in jail for having the children around my fiance – which brings me to the good news – I have met a man who is truly kind, loving, nurturing, supportive, trusting, (not into men), and is everything my ex is not. It’s been a journey to forgive my ex – I’ve been dealing with a personality disorder and his abuse, the feelings of my children as they try to deal with our acrimonious divorce, the trauma of being betrayed and deceived, being destitute while trying to support my family, and family members not being supportive. Despite all of this, I wake up happy every morning. I recognize that I had to go through this “story” as a learning opportunity to become less of a victim and more as an empowered person who can find love in their life again. I realize that my ex acting out/anger toward me is only reflecting the pain he must feel inside himself, but when you’re in the midst of it, that’s so hard to see! I’ve done a lot of work on myself and coming to terms with what has happened. I can see now that there was no other way and that divorce has opened up my life in so many positive ways – I love my life! That helps extend forgiveness and compassion towards my ex. One of my favorite quotes is “suffering is not seeing things the way they are.” When I gave up the struggle of my divorce, I began to open up to life and that has made a tremendous difference. Now it’s easier to forgive because I see the lesson in the pain.

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 1:51 am

@Nicole, Thanks for your story. I am sure many will be helped by it. Our world is full of people who will not forgive, will nurse or dull the pain and learn no lessons. Every time we find someone who makes better choices, we have to applaud. Congratulations!

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Debbie Satterfield Reply:
July 28th, 2009 at 10:01 am

@Nicole, May God Bless you and your family always. You sound like a truly amazing woman and I am so happy you found the happiness you so well deserve!

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Thank you for this video and Thank you to all who share their stories. I really have some wheels turning now.

I previously posted on the Conflict video regarding self-trust and how I have struggled with this issue for a long time now. While watching this video, a memory came to me and I now believe that it is one of the biggest stories of my life which I have been unable to forgive…both myself and the other person.

I gave birth to my son at the age of 18. His father and I had broken up only a few months before and I was desperate to feel love from another. I began dating this guy when my son was only a few months old. At first, all was going so well.. or so I thought. I let myself be so blinded by the need to be loved that I neglected the fact that this guy was abusing my son.

One day, I went to get my son after he awoke from his nap and discovered a large bruise on his poor little forehead. When I questioned this guy about how he could have gotten it, I was told that he had fallen off the bed and I fell for the excuse. Within about an hour or so, my aunt came over and convinced me to take my son to the hospital to make sure he was okay. I couldn’t imagine, at the time, why it was taking so long for the examination… until the social worker showed up to ask me a few questions. And then they took my son from me based on child abuse and neglect.

I did get my son back after a lot of hard work, but it was the longest, most terrifying and devastating 4 months of my life. I missed his first steps and heard him call the foster care woman “mom”. These were the most painful days.

In reflection, I learned a lot during this time. I got a job, went back to school, and began getting my life together so I could properly provide for my son. But I also “learned” that I could not trust myself. I did not date very much after that and I did not let any boyfriend be alone with him. I also let myself cling to his father, knowing that he would never hurt our son. We were not romantically involved, but I clung to him as if we were to keep myself from feeling that way about anyone else. My son is now 17, and I find myself still clinging to the safety net of his father, because I have not forgiven myself.

Now, I must author my own story of forgiveness and renew my self-trust. This will probably take me a little while to work through as this issue is rooted very deep within my heart and soul, but I at least have a starting point now. Thank you.

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 1:32 am

@Jenn, Thanks much for this story. All society is harmed when young people grow up knowing nothing about choosing a life partner or parenting in too many instances. So the natural thing for young people is to make unwise attachments and start families only to have the cycle repeat, generation after generation. A caring society would takes steps to intervene and help young people before they graduate high school but such caring societies are only found among so called primitive people. The deck was stacked against you. It is time for a better deal and you are the dealer.

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in this moment which is and is there is nothing to forgive but that which i thought was real and isn’t nor ever was in this moment

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 28th, 2009 at 1:00 pm

@donna, This touches on a very powerful idea. Yesterday is only a story. Thank you.

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donna Reply:
July 28th, 2009 at 5:16 pm

@Ed Howes, yesterday is indeed only a story ed . A story which i comfortably locked my self into and limited my self by for many years until i intended to be free which meant my moving out of my comfort zone of misery and realising gradually how many yesterdays i had repeated to myself and convinced my self were true even if they did feel real.I now know they aren’t . whats true for me now Is Now not Yesterday .

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I had been dating this guy, we stopped seeing each other for about a month because of different values. I am too ashamed to go into the details of what transpired or the nature of our relationship. All that I can tell you is that I really fell for him. He was into “The Secret” as well, and one night when I was at his place, I saw the note that he wanted to get back with this ex girlfriend, and that he was now visualizing “they” were together. My hurt came out, and I reacted poorly. We got into a fight. I still stayed but the next day, I found I changed my mind with the type of relationship I wanted. Then one day, we got into this “text” fight and then I decided that was the end for me. I was going to do myself in. I picked up razor blades, and began slashing. Long story short. I didn’t end up doing it (ending my life that is), and he wanted me to contact 911. I didn’t. We had talked on the phone a few days later, but nothing really resolved. I am having a hard time letting this go but after watching this, and I am ready to heal and to forgive him and myself for all of this. I’ve been feeling a lot of pain, and I want it to let go. Clean slate.

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Chris Cade Reply:
July 26th, 2009 at 12:10 pm

Kaya,

Thank you for sharing your story; relationships are not only the most challenging aspects of our lives, they’re also the ones with the greatest opportunities for our personal development.

Having the wish to release the pain is your first step. Clearly your heart wants to be free, and I’m grateful that the video has connected with you in a meaningful way.

Perhaps your story here, your writing, is another step towards forgiving yourself.

If you know somebody else who had been through what you’ve been through, what is one possible way that person learn to forgive herself and the man she had been dating?

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AnonymousFather Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 10:33 am

@Kaya, I think it is great that you state you are ready to heal. You were willing to harm yourself, and now, you are ready to heal. That’s an inspiring shift, regardless how (and with whom), it pans out. Congratulations!

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Chris, thank you!

I have got the main idea: I am not able to realize my innermost dreams because my mind has blocked them. My image of myself as a “very good girl”, my perfectionism prevents me from the behavior I cannot consider to be perfect enough! Most part of my life I have acted according to my duties (and I have too many of them).

But writing a book about a woman who can afford herself to realize her desires – it is proper idea to understand that living according to your wishes is not a sin! And writing such a book I will be trying to act as my heroin will be acting. What an attractive, a tempting perspective!

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Chris Cade Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 6:40 pm

Elena – I look forward to reading your writing!

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I was startled by the phone ringing one cold February morning in Los Angeles. Because I didn’t want to wake up my husband and my newborn daughter which I had just delivered 3 weeks prior by C-section, I chose to take the call in the living room.
It was my Dad calling from Brasil. Wow!! Haven’t spoken to him in over 20 years. We didn’t know each other very well so I was like the weather, very cold and annoyed by the inconvenience of the call. He didn’t raise me so I didn’t feel the closeness one should have towards their father. The conversation was short and I went down the hallway back to bed thinking: “Was I to short with him?” “Chouldn’t I have been nicer?”
I slipped quietly back in bed beside my husband. Again, I was disturbed by a tremendous thirst, which was very unusual for me. I got up and went down the hall again to the kitchen and poured a glass of water and attempted once more to get some rest. Lord and behold my daughter started crying. But it wasn’t feeding time… how unusual. I saw myself returning pass the hallway into the kitchen to prepare her bottle. When it was finally over, I managed to get some sleep, not even noticing when my husband left for work about 1 hour later.
Once again something nagging at me woke me up. You know, that little voice you hear clearly but ignore? I decided to check on the other children. This time I didn’t even put on my slippers (I was over that). As I’m walking down the hall I noticed smoke coming from the direction of the closet which houses the heater!
Smoke??? Yes smoke. My entire attic and roof was engulfed in flames.
MY HOUSE WAS ON FIRE!!!
Log in on Tuesday and I will share with you why you should “listen” to your inner voice.

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From the age of 10 my life was never the same as it had once been. My father committed suicide because my mother was in a lesbian affair. She left him and he wanted nothing more than to have his family back. After my dad’s death…I was almost immediately…..being sexually molested by my mother’s lesbian lover’s father. It lasted for 2 years and I finally stood my ground and told him I would go to my school teacher.I had already gone to my mom who did nothing about it….because she was afraid to lose her lesbian lover. Me and my 4 other siblings, along with my mom, moved to the farm that her lover, her 2 children and her father lived on.

I met a man who was 5 years older than I and at age 15 became pregnant. I could have not asked for better in laws throughtout the 14 years of marriage. That marriage ended because of his verbal and physical abuse to my children, 2 girls and a boy, from the time they were really young. Then after that marriage ended I married 4 more times. The second ended after a short marriage, because he was physically abusive to me. The third ended after 3 years because he tried to sexually molest my middle child. The fourth one ended after 1 year because he had an unknown drug problem and when I did find out he was sent packing. I never have had any tolerance for drugs or alcohol or the people who used them. The man that molested me for 2 years was an alcoholic, and to this day I cannot stand the smell of whiskey nor cigars. I am still married to my fifth husband and have been for 9 years now.

Throughout my childhood my mother never told me she loved me nor ever told me that she was proud of me. In high school, 7th grade to the first 6 months of 10th grade, I was in the band, cheerleading and drama club. Like I really needed anymore drama in my life! But it was an escape to live out someone else’s life no matter what the situation was.

To this day my mother has never been very close to me but has been the total opposite with my sister. I started working when I was 11 years old and from then my mom did not have to buy me any more clothes. And by the time I was 12 I worked 2 jobs during the summer and 1 job during the school year. Back when I grew up one could work at a young age but only until 9 at night. I tried to help my mom out by taking some of the finacial burden off from her. But all it did was make it easier for her not to have to take care of one less child. I never heard from her a thank you for all those years of me trying to make it easier on her. When my dad died there was no life insurance policy or anything. Just a social security check my mom got monthly to help support 5 children from the ages of 14 to 15 months old. All I ever wanted was her love and she even had a hard time with showing me that. That is why when I had my children….I would make sure that they would grow up always knowing that I loved them more than life itself.

Now I am going to jump ahead to April 2007. My middle child, my daughter Jenny, was diagnoised at the age of 30 with cervical cancer. Then the following month… she had to undergo extensive surgery and then follow with 5 months of 3 kinds of very powerful treatments. Because she was given only a 30-40% chance of survival, she had a very long, hard, tedious and painful journey to try and beat this cancer. The cancer had spread to all of her lymph nodes on her right side up to her aorta. And she also has had 2 large masses on the right side of her lower abdomen area that was pressing on the main vein running down her leg. They could remove one of the masses (tumor) but could not remove the other. She started out with chemo, then chemo and radiation, then radiation by itself, then chemo and radiation again and then 2 radiation implants. These were all done over a period of 5 months time and she also had several surgeries on top of all these treatments. I had moved her in with me as she needed to be near the big hospital and she was in no shape to take care of herself, a husband and a child. So my son in law stayed in their home with my grandson Jay and would come to visit often. But it really upset Jay to see his mom like she was. Jay was born as a water head baby, fluid on the brain, and had many health and mental issues because of it. Since Jay and J.D. lived next door to his mom he could get help with Jay alot. I had all I could do to take care of Jenny and myself, husband and home. I have Fibromyalgia and the stress of dealing with Jenny’s cancer and all was really playing up the symtoms in my body. But with God’s help and determiation I would get Jenny through whatever it was she had to face.

During the next 2 years Jenny had over 10 surgeries and was one sick young lady. She never gave up nor did she ever complain. She always told everyone, ” That life was like a poker game and God did the dealing…and she had been dealt this hand…. and she had no other choice but to play the hand that she had been dealt. She was so strong through it all and I admired her strength and will to live. She missed Jay terribly but she knew that she had no choice but to concentrate on the demon she had been faced with.

Well on January she was told that she was in remission! And you can only imagine how we all felt!!!! She had already moved back home in December when she was finally taken off the TPN (food in a bag) since her major surgery on July 17,2008. She had to have her gallbaldder, appendix, large portion of her colon and a large piece of her small intestines removed all at the same time. This was all because of the severity of the radiation treaments she had during her treatments. She also only had one kidney working 35-40% because of the same reason. During July – Ocotber 2008 she had been in the hospital off and on a total of 54 days. So you can only imagine how we responded to the news of remission!!

On March 8th of 2009 Jenny was rushed to the small hospital in the town where she lived with Jay and J.D. I got a call that she had been rushed there and that I needed to come. I talked to Jenny on the phone before I left for my 45 minute drive to the hospital and she did not sound at all like herself. When I got there she was just being wheeled out on a stretcher to go down for a scan. I almost did not reconize her because her face was swollen. When I said her name she opened her eyes and held her fingers out and said, ” Hey mommy”. I told her that I loved her and that I would be waiting for her when she came back to ICU. Finally a few hours later they let me back in ICU for the very first time and the doctor told me that she was very very sick. She come down with a sepsis infection and he was not sure if he could do any more than he was already doing. J.D., me and his mom Vicky stayed in the waiting room right outside of the ICU unit all night. Christina showed up with my 2 granddaughters Courtney and Caitlin to see Jenny as they were letting all of the immediate family go back and see her. My son Billy… who was extremely close to Jenny refused to believe that she was as sick as she really was. So he did not come to see her until the next day. The next morning they told us that she was being air lifted to the big hospital where I lived…as they had done all that they could do for her. I went in to see Jenny who had swollen even worse during the night because of her vital organs shutting down on her. I told her what was the plan and that I was heading on to the other hospital to make sure I was there when they brought her in by helicopter. She nodded that she understood and I asked her, If she knew how very much I loved her”? And she nodded yes and then raised her hand up to give me the hand signal for ” I Love You”. Before I fell apart I had to get out of there and make the 45 min. drive to the big hospital. J.D. called me and told me that they had just left with Jenny and that it would only take them 6 mins. to get her there. Just as I was making my way up the hill to the emergency room a helicopter flew right over my car I knew in an instance that it was my Jenny. I pulled into the parking lot and pulled like I was heading out again only to park on the side of the road. I jumped out of my car and ran up to the walk through to where they were going to come down the ramp with her. Two helicopter pilots got out and then 3 emergency nurses and then more nurses came out of the hospital to get her. As they passed by me I was hysterical, for the first time, yelling with tears running down my face that they had my baby. And I remember saying that over and over again until I realized that she was no longer there and I needed to get into the hospital to find out where they took her. I made it up to ICU there with help a very nice hospital emergency staff person and had to wait and wait until someone came out to get me. I finally got to see her and she looked even worse than she did when I last saw her. They family started to show up and we were told that she was in sepsis shock and that she very likely was not going to make it. I just fell apart..because for 2 years I took care of her and she always bounced back and I could always nurse her back to feeling better…..even to the point to where she was in remission. And now there was absolutely nothing I could no longer do for my darling daughter Jenny….but watch her slowly fade further and further away from me. During the entire night she swelled beyond reconition and to the point to where she no longer responded to me or anyone else. I knew then for the very first time since Jenny was diagnosed with cancer, that I had become totally helpless to do anything for her.

Throughtout the night I went in to see her as often as I wanted to. I talked to her and I finally worked up enough strength to tell her that it was okay to go and be with God. That I would miss her dearly and that my life would never be the same without her in it but I understood if she wanted to go. That is when I totally lost it while in the same room as Jenny. By that time she had gone into a coma and was not responding at all and I knew it was time to say what needed to be said.

On March 10th at 9:40am Jenny passed away and I not only lost a daughter I lost my best friend of 2 years. And I do know that my life will never be the same again. She was an inspiration to all that knew her and to all who met her during her 2 year journey…. and I know we are all truly blessed to have been a part of her life.

I hope some day I can get over the guilt that I feel because I could not help her those last 3 days of her life. I hope I will be able to wake up one day and not hear myself say ” I’m Sorry Jenny for not being able to do anything to stop the infection”. I think when i can do that….I will be well on my way to the inner healing I know that I deserve.

[Reply]

Chris Cade Reply:
July 26th, 2009 at 4:47 pm

Debbie, there’s a lot I want to say and yet I find myself stumbling at the words. Perhaps because there are parts of your story that are close to home with me as well.

In 2001, my older brother died from pancreatic cancer. Before the cancer He was a strong US Marine, proud father, and loyal husband, so it seemed like there was no way he could have an unhealthy body… it seemed like he didn’t deserve the cancer because he was a good person.

When the doctors gave up on him, he actually went into remission… for a while. And then when the cancer came back again, it was faster, fiercer, and he died within months.

All we wanted to do was to make it better, but it kept getting worse and worse. It was difficult for the entire family to feel so helpless.

I wish you well during your journey of healing, Debbie.

[Reply]

Debbie Satterfield Reply:
July 26th, 2009 at 5:13 pm

@Chris Cade, I totally know where you are coming from there too. You see…my brother Mark was diagnosed with melanoma cancer that had gone internal. By the time he found out it was too late and at the age of 40 was given 6 months to live. I went up North to spend time with him….only to 3 months later to have my own daughter diagnosed with cancer. He lived for 9 months and left behind a 19 year old daughter and a 16 month old son and a wife of over 20 years. He was 6′6″ tall and over 230 lbs. before he became sick and when he died he wieghed 150 lbs. So I truely know how you feel . God Bless and take care, Debbie Satterfield

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Chris Cade Reply:
July 30th, 2009 at 12:36 am

Debbie – I just wanted to let you know, I chose you as the winner for a full scholarship to the Inscribe Your Life program!

(Check out the newest post on the blog to listen why…)

Thanks for your support, Debbie! I’ll email you details privately Thursday afternoon (Pacific time).

[Reply]

Hi Chris,
The story on forgiveness is powerful. Thank you for the opportunity to tell our stories!
When I first got into my spiritual path, the first person I had to forgive was my mother who not only wasn’t there for me (or anyone else for that matter) whe wanted me to live the life she didn’t have and to be interested in the things she thought were important (especially politics and history). I went to college where she wished she could have gone and tried to be interested it the subjects she chose for me and practically flunked out my freshment year after making straight A’s all my life. What a shock. It took me a while to realize I didn’t have to live out my mother’s wishes, and realized that I had to hide who I was to please my mother. I chose to forgive my mother realizing that she couldn’t love herself so how could she love anyone else. She was probably doing the best she knew how.

Of course many people have stepped into my path to teach me forgiveness. It became much easier when I realized two things. First, if someone did or said something that was hurtful to me, they were coming from fear, and it was never really about me, and second, to forgive was for my own peace of mind, so I didn’t need to hold on to whatever it was, and could let it go. That doesn’t totally stop my upsets, but these days they are rare.
Lani

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Debbie Satterfield Reply:
July 26th, 2009 at 5:22 pm

@Lani Gossett, You are absolutely right in some respect…but some are just not that easy to figure out. Debbie Satterfield

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 12:35 am

@Lani Gossett, Thank you for this story. What forgivers must realize is when they refuse to forgive they give the unforgiven great power over their mind. Each time the unforgiven is thought of, the forgiver feels the original pain all over again, and all the anger and resentment. How do we not think about the one who so offended us? Only by forgiveness.

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Carlos Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 4:23 am

@Ed Howes, I use to pray for my abusers, that they grant the happines i seek for myself.

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 28th, 2009 at 1:10 pm

@Carlos, Used to pray for your abusers implies this ended the abuse. If so, it would be good for us to know.

Wow. I’m a bit overwhelmed. It’s a new concept, but feels very good and right. Thanks for sharing this and for pioneering.
Terry

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Chris Cade Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 6:43 pm

Terry, I’m grateful to have given you metaphorical food for thought. In my experience, some of the most challenging and overwhelming concepts were the most powerful.

One thing to keep in mind when you are opening up to new ideas is that you don’t have to do them perfectly as soon as you hear them… instead, consider the ideas, especially challenging and overwhelming ones, to be viewed as seeds being planted… that will blossom when the time is right for you.

I know some people have passed me amazing wisdom and it went over my head, only to become truth for me months or years later.

Wisdom is not something people can “give” us – just something we discover for ourselves by observing and being curious about the clues all around us.

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There was a period in my life when all the stories I had told about myself to that point fell apart. They were the “I am such a strong person;” “I always do the right thing;” “nothing can stop me;” stories that I had learned to construct pretty early on. All the ways that I had successfully put “me” together fell apart: my marriage; being the parent that I wanted to be; my ability to make a good living; all the way down to losing my faith.

I was lost, plain and simple. I have been on the journey of forgiveness much of my life because there was no choice. There is no antidote for the pain of being lost except forgiveness. I tried many things from material accumulation to spiritual adventure, but all the Band-Aids fall off after a while. There are no “reasons” that are relieved by blame or seeming understanding. I went looking for a way to forgive myself in order to live my life.

That began 20 years ago.

Over the years I learned amazing and wonderful wisdoms from generous people I encountered. They saved my sanity and opened my heart and made different times bearable, but somewhere in the midst of all of those gifts, I still held on to that judgment; that little piece of self-loathing for those ways that I failed myself and my son. It still defined me in some gnawing way.

This past year, my son, now 31, came to live with me because his life fell apart on many levels. It has been a very hard year for both of us and there have been so many conversations/arguments around our forgiveness, or lack of it. All the responses that I had practiced over the years helped but did not make things alright.

Then one morning, after hard, late-night conversations, I woke knowing that forgiveness would never happen in my head, but rather I would have to recognize it in my heart. So I began to look for things that were in my life today. I cherished both of us for starting over in this endeavor each day. Daily I made the effort to see us both for who we had become rather than holding the memory of another time, long past. I grieved for the pain and loss we both had experienced and began to celebrate who we are now. I accepted that I had bad days where I was not everything I hoped to be and in fact wanted to just give up. In short I did the work of “today” so I could give up the illusion of yesterday. In the intentional act of loving my son every day and inviting him to love me, forgiveness happened. What is more, this lightening of spirit has increased my compassion for others because I know that they face the same work I am doing. The details are unimportant, as we all have accumulated hurts and judgments that need forgiveness to evaporate.

Now, other parts of me that need forgiveness come up all the time. Sometimes it is the “me” that I encounter on the street or at my job, but I am less daunted by the work of forgiveness because I have experienced the rewards. I can even forgive myself for the days when I am not up to it because I know I will find the energy again.

[Reply]

Ed Howes Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 12:20 am

@Lois, Thank you for sharing your story with us. Whenever you find yourself requires your forgiveness, do not hesitate in granting it. Not for a minute, an hour or a day.

[Reply]

Hi ,
This is a story about a boy who since from the childhood wanted to become famous wanted to get some more love and wanted to have everything whatever he wants.Earlier in his childhood he was the first kid he used to get lots of gifts articles,prizes and all and he was enjoying them a lot.
Then a change came he got a little sister the gifts became less,love got divided and many things happened he started to feel lonely and alone in his own home.
Since he was a boy he was loved but still some thing was missing.
Day after day years passed now no gifts and things what he wanted would be given to him after completing a test securing above 90% marks and all and then only he would be getting something.
The boy was genious in studies he was getting what he wanted but suddenly a girl came to class and he looked at her he was confused as it was only 3rd grade he was not able to understand about the feeling he had for that girl he met her at her place had a chat but was still confused later the feeling vanished and he again went into the competition greed to win and get the things he want.

Later in Grade 4th he saw another girl who newly came t school little weird and sophisticated and try to show her attitude what that boy did not liked sometime. Since he was good at studies everybody was envying him and wanted to be his friend but the the boy came to top after defeating a girl who was supposed to be bribing and getting first rank and higher percentages everytime and “no one can beat her” in Exams was the thing.But this guy did that he beated the hell out of her and succeeded far more better than her.
How this happened he was also the believer of the same thing like no one can beat her but one day that new girl who came to class was crying after being bullied by some class boys and she complained to principal and she came and mistakenly slapped the boy in front of whole class for N number of slaps and then that was crying and crying like anything then that girl came and appologised for the mistake and that boy was just crying.
Then in the evening one of the boy friend came to his place and told his father that he has been slapped by the principal (head teacher of the school)in front of the whole class and school the which the boy was hiding from his father was know no longer a hidden truth his father asked just only one thing
Is this true ?
He said yes and his father told him one thing show them what are you capable of and return the favour of slaps in terms of number and being the best boy in school.So after that he never came second in his school and that girl was never ever able to beat him in studies.
This transformation also led the feeling of winning and LOVE inside the boy love for that girl because of which his life transformed.
He used to fight with her and snatch her tiffin and eat and just fight but slowwly he started to feel for her and then he was completely in love with her.
One of the bullies in class was also seeing her so he stooped him in the yard and told him I liked her and told him not to come in the way the boy humbly said ok I will not come and then went silently the years passed and he also joined the bullies group and started liking another girl but when the 9th Grade came that girl left the school the boy cried a lot and was repenting of not letting her know that he loved her and was cursing himself as he was looking her go in front of him.
Then he took a oath he will become worlds most famous person and will search her and tell her that I love her a lot…. and till then years passed dyas passed he stopped that feeling or closed that place in the heart for anyone but her even though he liked many girls but he always start comparission of them with her in his mind and eventually leave them and move ahead and oone more thing that kept growing in his mind that his father told him was “To get some girls hand or ask some girl for a becoming life partner a boy must have a good carrer and job before that everything was just waste”.
Due to this reason he never ever proposed a girl and never ever accepted any proposals as he think they have some better match then him for them anywhere else so he leaves them due to which his friends also leave him and he thinks if its for somebody good and future he choose to be a a loner and preffered to be engrosed in studies.
Later he completed his Bachelor of Engineering and went on to do a job he found one girl in his training days he was so amazed by a girl her voice he thought she is the right match for him and will be able to ask for her at his home eventhough boys parents were asking him to marry a girl of his own caste but somehow he had the guts to convince them.

But slowly during this one more girl from the group of common friends came into his contacts and they started going together to office coming back together sharing lunch and meals dinner and going for movies and spending lot of time with her but unkowingly he was falling for her as in his life he has reserved that place for that girl which he met in the school slowly slowly he started feeling for her very deeply and then later he knewed she already had a boy friend then his hope and love was shattered to bits and pieces he was crying and getting depreesd from inside but he had already lost one opportunity earlier so he just wanted that girl to know that he oved him more than his life .
He did that and that girl abused him and later asked him to be his friend (”Good Friends “) boy also agreed for that in hope she might love him at some point of time.
Days passed still they were together the boy took care of her all of her worries were handeled by the boy he tries by everything money effort and time to keep her fine and be with her in this process the boy lost his friends collagues and many things …. he forgots his family ,he even lied to his parents about the holidays and did not went home during very important rituals just only to be with her and spend time with her and he was praying to god day and night to change her will and let the love blossom in her heart for him.
But that girl was a cheat she was only after that boys money when that boy started getting less money for spending she planned to throw him away from his life she planned and involved all the common friends and raise a fight and forced him to withdraw himself from her life the boy could not see her unhappy he did the same and just asked for being a friend and thanked her for being in his life.
But the girl has still some evil thing in her minds when she gets some work she ask the boy to do it and rest kicks him away,insults him and even abuses him,neglects him in front of every other person and common friends.She told him that she can only love her boyfriend in her entire life thats why she can not commit to him .
But later he found out that girl was actually involved in a relationship with a guy from there office as well as with her boyfriend and going around with both he felt so bad and it was like the earth was removed from under his feet.
The boy was filled with pain anger and hatered he felt injustice and he stopped talking with her for anything.
Then afterwards he started to feel the same thing about every girl he started to feel like god saved him from the wrong person and was feeling good about it but inside his heart the pain and agony was there and still existing.
He then had removed all faith and trust over the girls he had lost faith in mariiage and relationship he finds every girl is a cheat and will never love any girl .
Also later he found her love of the school she was also in Live in relatonship with some guy for more than 2 years and was getting married to him.
So he was shattered and was feeling lonely and painful but he lerant many lessons during this pahse ….the most important thing for anybody in there life is there family,friends,relatives and closed ones becuase if the whole world leaves you ..your parents and god will always be there for you and will take care of you even though everybody hates you..
so he started to agan pick up the lsot ends and ganing back the control of his life ..
But stiilll he faces same agony and fear and when in comes to some kind of relationshipp with some girl the whole scenario of pain and agony comes to his mind and forbids him from going ahead and he restricts himself
After watching your video craig I think forgive ness is required in oredr to mve ahead in my life and I request you if you could suggest some path that I should follow to get over this feeling…

Cheers!!!!!!!

[Reply]

I just finished watching the video by Chris and Jamie and I think back to the past several days of my life. I’ve felt so challenged lately with my life over a great many things and I’m very moved after having seen the video to come to realize in a similar situation as if I am a scientist who has discovered what they have been looking and working on for years. It feels like the pinnacle of success. Even though I am a self-help expert, I am not immune to struggle or challenge. One thing I have learned is that usually if not always, challenges we experience are not external to us but instead internal even when everything points to it being external.

My Wife is struggling with having found out recently that her father is dying of cancer and other complications. I definitely feel her pain. I also have noticed that she is so bothered by it that she is extremely sensitive to almost everything as anyone would be in her same situation. Her father is her only known living blood relative as her mother left her at age 4 and she has no brothers or sisters and her grandma died a few years back as well. Today she burst out in a rage after she heard from my father about the seriousness of her father’s life situation. After some time for her to calm down I thought about the 7 years that she lost track of him because she hadn’t forgave him for having done something that she didn’t like. I would have done the same as he did if I was in his situation, but she couldn’t see that from her view point. So to me, she never forgave him until a few months ago and started talking to him once more.

So I approached her and I told her that I forgave her for her outburst today without mentioning anything else except to say that I realize she is going through a tough time in her life and I know this was the reason for her more than normal outrage. I wanted to try and do as I felt she should have done 7 years ago with her father. Oddly enough I hadn’t seen this video on forgiveness until just now about 4 hours after the above explained experience had transpired.

Then I was awe struck because I’ve been struggling over my work situation as I get the feeling my managers manager, who use to be my manager doesn’t like me based on some conversations we had late last week. Then it dawned on me in much more powerful way than it ever has as I’ve thought this way before and that is that he is doing the best he can and responding the best that he can. It may not be appropriate, correct or any other way that I feel about it, but he is doing the best that he can with what he has.

I have felt so hurt by his ill feelings towards me that I decided 2 days ago to look for work elsewhere as I have thought and acted on before for the same reasons. So once again I was sending out my resume yesterday to make this irritating situation go away by moving to another organization that may appreciate me more. Note that my working relationship with others is very good and I only feel struggle with him. I even told him that one of my goals for the next year is to make our relationship better than it has been. In his typical manner he was not appreciative or even liking of that idea. I showed him initiative in having taken action in making that transformation of which he responded that I should have done it sooner and he wasn’t happy about my change because of that.

In any event, again I say that it really comes down to forgiving him that will serve me best. Once I can do that, I will be able to be once again a productive employee. There’s plenty more garbage going on in my life, even enough to stop me dead in my tracks to ponder where I am, where I am going and many other challenging thoughts. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure from all angles. Still I’m doing everything I can to not fall apart and to make it through safely. I believe forgiving of oneself and of others is key to making it through these most challenging times. I found myself saying the other day under all these issues that “I’m being tested” and I still believe that. How will I respond? How will it turn out? Will I be able to ride it out successfully and come out stronger and have another story to tell that will help and inspire others? My answer is yes, for I feel I have no other answer to give. So I now I have an answer in dealing with my internal challenge of feeling the pain of his actions and that is to say to myself in my mind, slowly, deep, lovingly, and in a meaningful way, “I forgive you” whenever I see him or think a negative thought about him or our relationship. This will help me to be productive and not cause more ill feelings about him or the situation. This I see to be the answer and solution to my problem between us. And for me, it’s exactly what I needed, a tool to survive and make peace within myself of which I pray for everyday. Originally I thought that finding peace within me was to look and find work elsewhere, but now I see it as implementing the tool I just spoke of and/or leaving and working elsewhere as well. So now I have a paradigm shift and new possibilities for myself of which I really needed if I am going to be successful in my life. Thank you Jamie and Chris for this very insightful, inspiring, and helpful video on forgiveness.

[Reply]

Kevin Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 10:15 pm

Chris and Jamie,

I was able to be at peace today of which I haven’t for several days in regards to work and feared having a re-occurrence again today, but didn’t. I am thankful for this gift you have given to me. I love being happy and at peace with everything I possibly can be.

Thanks again!

Kevin

[Reply]

Chris Cade Reply:
July 28th, 2009 at 1:04 pm

Kevin – I’m grateful

[Reply]

donna Reply:
July 28th, 2009 at 5:24 pm

@Kevin, hi kevin ,
ed shared a wonderful resource earlier..
Dr.Susan Peace at Intent.com. you might want to check it out i did and am glad i did.

[Reply]

Ed Howes Reply:
July 31st, 2009 at 12:53 am

@donna, Dr. Susan Corso if we are doing a search.

donna Reply:
August 7th, 2009 at 2:27 pm

@donna, thankyou Ed ,i knew entering correct info was something i needed to work on.I have since, begun to write the exact details as i come across them now.
thanks.xd

Oh no I am being enrolled in LandMark when I am watching a video on the course!

Clint Baxley
Course: Nothing I see means anything
Landmark: Life is empty and meaningless and it’s empty and meaningless that it is empty and meaningless.

[Reply]

Carlos Reply:
July 27th, 2009 at 11:32 am

@Clint Baxley, There is no other meaning with life,other than what meaning you give to it.The only question a man can then ask is :What do i want?

[Reply]

hi,
this reminds me of coyote wisdom.
anyway, i’m 26 and still recovering from a ‘psychotic break’
that happened in 2004.
i think it happened when i was laying in a dead redwood tree. my friend told me to have a vision quest there.
she said i should learn about darkness.
when i looked at her i could only see my one other. the epitome of human form. she drew a pentacle in the dirt. i felt each line had a tangible meaning, and a circle contained it all. I don’t know how it happened, but suddenly all that i perceived was the only reality that existed. i saw bats flying above my head. and i was one with the dead tree. the tarp that i placed as a door suddenly took the form of the spirit of death. it was beautiful, but terrifying at the same time. everything was slowly undulating with great force. i felt as if the tree was eating me. i saw in my mind images of the sufferings of the planet. forests being cut down, people doing all sorts of horrible things. and all at once realized it was real. it was my fault, because i had this strong feeling that it was all my ‘dream’. (it was real, even though it was a dream.) it was splitting me up. i tried shutting the light off in my head so i wouldn’t have to see the suffering anymore, but i could still feel it. this was death. I tried to wish away all the magic. this was real. my mind broke, then i passed out.
When i woke up everything was different. a guy my age walked by and said hello. “no power at all, huh? I like videogames” he said. Video games! repulsive don’t they know the earth is dying!? I was humanity, i was responsible. like my name (adama meaning humanity.)
i was no longer invincible. every word or gust of wind tore right through me. a black cat crossed my path. was i really giving in to superstition? graffiti became personal advisor. i walked into town, acutely aware of my bubble of perception. i had reached my limits, being beaten up the other night. now i reached my limits again clinging to the earth in a garden. i thought i might fall into the sky. such an inconceivable depth. i think i was living under the illusion that there was some kind of ceiling up there. i tried to sincerely embrace the earth, but i could only feel the suffering of all life. It was like a war zone. i tried to escape. i took a bus to SF. I hid in a sewer, wiped my ass with a bloody scrub shirt. then i took a train to the last stop.
hopped into a go-cart, and reached a barbed wire fence. back to nature i thought. i hopped the fence and started running on the side of the highway. i thought FOREVER! and took off my clothes. I’m an ANIMAL! i saw peace. i ran into traffic, then the cops came. they were mean. i don’t want to elaborate on that, at least i ended up in a mental hospital.

[Reply]

Hello Chris,

What a timing….. today I am having problem to let go and forgive, sometime I do, but there is always apart of you that will not let go. So, here is what happen today.

I have senior citizen friends whom I help with a few things I can do for them, one of them is bringing all the things they do not need to a donation center, that I volunteer once in a while ran by nuns. Since they will be closed for the whole month of August, the nun in charge was not there instead a regular volunteer. And she told me that she cannot accept the things I have in my truck as she still have tons of items to get rid of by friday. I was dissapointed but accepting her delima, I hang around for a few minutes looking at the stuff around. and then just when I was about to leave another car pulled over and has donations to drop of, I kinda told her that they no longer are accepting due to their schedule. And to my surprise the volunteer in charge accepted the donation. I left and as she suggested I went to another place. But I cannot help but think, why did she turn me down and took the other donations. I feel like telling the nun who runs the place but at the same time, she feels in for the nuns each time they are in need of help. And if I tell the nun it will create a tension between me and her, which I will not be comfortable with. FORGIVENESS…….. and letting go of resentment. I feel betrayed and hurt, but is it only me who is creating this?

What would be the easiest way……should I still approach the nun and tell her what happen?

Any ideas…? thanks

[Reply]

Thank You for the video, This goes along with something the Holy Spirit revealed to me about 2 months ago about Forgivness and the Lords Prayer.I have worked in Alternative Health Care as a massage therapist,nutritional and spiritual consultant for 29 years and have witness many things thatI have called Miracles. Things that never ceases to amaze me. There are to many to name them all in this post. I did how write an ebook about the Lords Prayer and physical wellness. Because saying the Lords Prayer with or without understanding heals the body at the Cellular Level. Of course when applied with just a small level of awareness it appears to work faster. This is the zipped file for my Ebook which I would like to share with anyone who wants it.
http://genevasbodyworks.com/ebooks/lordsprayer.zip

Sincerely
Geneva Gallander LMT,NMT,RFT,NC,CRA,OA

[Reply]

Debbie Satterfield Reply:
July 28th, 2009 at 9:41 am

@Geneva Gallander, I totally agree with you about having the Lord in ones life. If I did not have the God in my life it would have absolutley no meaning at all. Thank you for sharing and God Bless you.

[Reply]

Ed Howes Reply:
July 28th, 2009 at 11:48 am

@Geneva Gallander, The sermon on the mount is my favorite part of the N.T.. The Lord’s Prayer is my favorite part of the Sermon on the Mount. Needless to say I just grabbed your ebook, thank you very much and just gave it a quick scan. I will likely read it all before this day is done. I have also written on the subject and have converted it to a prayer of gratitude.

http://www.intent.com/blog/2009/04/14/gratitude-prayer-monotheists

A 5 minute read. Thank you for your wonderful and blessing gift.

[Reply]

Guadalupe Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 4:00 pm

@Geneva Gallander, Thanks a lot I love the Lord’s Prayer, I will be sharing with my daughter and grandaughter. God Bless! Lupe

[Reply]

By now many have heard about that Book :
Would i should i could i how do i Forgive…?
You to can grab a copy & share with you know who…
some people don’t want to forgive, some don’t know how &
others think they really have until a certian name is
mentioned, then all kinds of negative feelings resurface.
i’d be happy to get that book in ur life & let the healing begin.
un – forgiveness is like taking poision & expecting the other person to feel the effects ! WOW ! yes i can tell you one of many stories of which some have been written in that book.
@ your request i’d be happy to send you a copy @ no cost to you @ all, free shipping too ! But i require that you share it, as i’m sur you will.
i enjoyed that segment on forgiveness & greatly benifit from watching
& internalizing it’s contents. thanks much.
cottonforgive

[Reply]

Ed Howes Reply:
July 28th, 2009 at 11:20 am

@pamela cotton, Thank you for sharing a resource which sounds like it would help many. I loved your metaphor for unforgiveness. It is spot on.

[Reply]

PanPalace Reply:
July 30th, 2009 at 3:48 am

@pamela cotton,
Hi Pam, I am very touched and appreciate your kindness and generousity on- “send you a copy @ no cost to you @ all, free shipping too !”. I really looking forward for what you have in that book that can help me to get rid of my long term horrible feelings. Unfortunately I am not in America. How are you going to share the book with me?

[Reply]

Hi, I’m so happy to received the video, I can’t even express how much,
I opened my email this morning and found this link and I feel so good.
Last night I got into a fight again with my boyfriend for the same reason.

My story is that I have two years with my boyfriend, we are now leaving together for one year, but when we just stared the relation ship he cheated on me with my friend she was coming to my apartment every time (I was leaving alone) because she was sad having problem with her boyfriend, me as a friend always there for her helping her with everything even with food because in that time she didn’t have job.
I went to my to visit my family, went I come back I feel something wrong, because my friend was not calling me as she us to so I talk with my boyfriend about my feeling and he told me the true we both cried, I never before feel such a pain, I cant believed that I was out for 9 days and they do that to me, a few week after I accept to be his girlfriend again, but some time that come to may head and I imagining him touching her and I see him nasty I don’t want to have sex with him some time because that, he said that he really sorry and he love me , I can say that we are happy leaving together, but last night we went for a walk we stop some where and seat, she pas right in front of us ,was like everything come back, he stared hugging me and giving me kisses and telling me that don’t let that a ruin our night, but I couldn’t , so we got in to a fight, he want me to forget everything and just be happy together I know he love me but I don not how to really for give him.
I need help because I know I want o be with him, but I don’t want feel the way I feel some times.

God bless you.

[Reply]

Ed Howes Reply:
July 28th, 2009 at 8:34 pm

@Loren, What if you loved both your friend and your boyfriend? What would you then need to forgive?

[Reply]

Chris Cade Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 1:04 am

Loren,

I know exactly how you feel. When I was deeply in love with a girlfriend, and I was living with her, I found out that she had also cheated on me and betrayed me.

That was one of the most difficult times in my life. Everything reminded me of her betrayal and of my pain. I cried many nights, and most days too.

One book that really helped me was called ‘His Needs, Her Needs’ by Willard Harley. I read that book, and it helped me understand more about the nature of relationships and why some of them don’t go so well.

It took me many months to finally forgive my girlfriend. What allowed me to forgive her was when I truly understood that her behavior had nothing to do with me; that it was her playing out her story (and her parents’ stories, too).

Soon after I forgave her, I also broke up with her. I had realized that what we had, the story we shared, was in the past. I knew that we had both learned what we needed to learn from each other, and it was time to move on.

I wish you the best during this very challenging time – I know it’s not easy to walk in your shoes.

[Reply]

This is perfect. I am going back to forgiveness to move forward in my life and to stop neglecting me and my health because I have felt betrayed by others for too long, sort of very deep down inside in a story I have told very few, but many times to myself.

[Reply]

I am a High School English teacher, and I thought that I could use the idea of story in your life in my teaching. That way I can help teenagers in this turbulant time in their lives, in a way that is more accessable to them.

This past year was very difficult for me to teach because of problems that were happening at home.

But now, the problem is that I need to get a teaching job for next year. But it seems that my “bad” reputation as a teacher has preceeded me, and no school is offering me a job.
So I need help to be a more effective teacher and get a job.

[Reply]

Carlos Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 3:38 am

@Rachael, Hello Rachael.It sound to me that you love being a teacher wery much, especial when you help the young ones through difficult times.How can your “bad reputation” be used as your advantage in that area?

[Reply]

Lisa Reply:
July 30th, 2009 at 10:43 pm

@Rachael,
If you are looking for work as an English teacher, you might begin by paying more attention to your spelling!
(i.e. turbulent, accessible)
If what you really care about is helping adolescents get through a difficult period, perhaps being a school guidance counselor would be more interesting for you and an easier job to get.

[Reply]

Thank you for sharing the Forgiveness video.

This past year & 1/2 has been a journey of forgiveness for me and reacquainting myself with forgiving of self and others.

It all started when I forced out of a position in Washington DC in January & my significant other had left her job just the day before.

I came home and said that this was definitely a sign and that it was time for me to leave Washington DC.

We put the house on the market and moved to southeast NC. Just 2 1/2 months after that my mother’s sister was diagnosed with cancer, she died the day before Thanksgiving, my partner’s mother died the Sunday after Thanksgiving. My brother came to visit us for Christmas and died in our home the day after Christmas. Then between January, 2007 and August 2007 another 5 members of my “extended family unit” died including my eldest sister’s husband (almost coincidentally, my sister and brother in law was visiting us from TX and had they not left a day earlier, he would have died 6 months to the day in the same room as my brother — and both of their first names was John.)

I became depressed and my daily function was to get up, get ready go to work (in a job that was almost unbearable) come home drink, smoke and play solitaire. I did not pay attention to self or might I add others including my partner.

Needless to say, there was a downturn in my relationship as well as my job — which both dissolved.

In January I started reading a book by John Rogers — Forgiveness.
I realized that I must first forgive myself in order not “wallow” in my own despair, and take on the accountability and responsibility of my own actions as it related to my relationship with my partner and the ending of my employment. This was very much a “freeing” action for me, otherwise I would be stuck and still wallowing in despair — the supreme pitty party.

Having experienced all this loss in a relatively short period of time has helped me to get out of self and start reaching out to others including family, extended family, relatives and friends. This experience has energized me to realize the value of what is – in the present moment now — and to cherish all sentient beings — because in a flash they can be gone with out ever having had the time to say I love You!

Thank you,
Cass

[Reply]

I am nearly 44 years old. I have two children Jenna and Lee. Jenna is a very pretty hairdresser and is expecting her first baby, my first grandchild. I feel there is a deep sadness in her and it is because of me. Lee is a big strong, brave hansome boy, in the British army serving as a paratrooper; I am a very proud mum to say that. Lee is very independent and seems not care for much or anyone. I blame myself for that too.

I am separated from my husband Nick because I left him to be with Carl.
Nick is a lovely funny man but more like a brother than a lover to me. It has taken him some time to get over what I did to him, he adored me and gave me everything. I blame myself for his sadness.

Carl is also a lovely kind man, whom a don’t love like a brother, he is my lover.
I feel I should not be with him because I don’t want the baggage that comes with him. He will always put his kids before me and I don’t like that. Their needs will always be greater than mine. I sometimes wish the kids lived with him and I was the one visited once a week and spent every other weekend. I want to leave him but I cant you see because he is the love of my life. I am scared to because I don’t want to be on my own.
Carl ticks a lot of boxes for me but not the most important ones. I would feel guilty for ruining his life.

I feel a lot of guilt and pain and in my life and think it would be easier to end it for everyone around me.

The Law of Attraction was given to me by coincidence really. I believe this is the only thing that keeps me going and if I believe hard enough without doubt, all the good things in life will finally start to happen for me.

So you see that it why the law of attraction is giving me hope to go forward. I truly believe I deserve to have a good like not because I have had a bad one before but because I believe we all deserve a chance in our lives to be happy. Just a little bit of heaven would make all the difference to my life. Thankyou for the law of attraction, thankyou god.

I forgive all those that have done me wrong and hold no grudges anymore as I am not a victim just unfortunate circumstance and chose the wrong path.

Help me please to find the right path so that I can live the rest of my life in abundance, full of wealth, happiness and love.

[Reply]

Jacqui Reply:
July 30th, 2009 at 6:40 am

@Jacqui, Hi to everyone that has joined this group and thankyou for your stories. I guess when I look back at my story compared to everyone elses it sound very selfish, but I am truely not good at putting things into words. I am not a selfish person at all but like everyones story I have read so far I can relate to them all and have expereince most of the the traumas and hurt but find it hard to talk about mine and can only say the hurt thaat I have caused. I can relate to the fact that if you have been hurt you want to hurt back but sometimes at the wrong people. I need to forgive those that have hurt me then I can forgive myself for the hurt I have caused. thanks again everyone

[Reply]

Short but most excellent article: Why Nature Rewards Us for Change.
http://www.examiner.com/x-11705-NY-Holistic-Body–Spirit-Examiner~y2009m7d29-Why-nature-rewards-us-for-changing

[Reply]

WOW!!! What incredible stories and I feel privileged to have read some of them. I must say this some of these stories have affected my day in a positive way. I’ve been so nice to my family today there asking me whats wrong with me.

JULY 27, 2009
THE LITTLE VOICE INSIDE
MY HOUSE WAS ON FIRE!!!
As shocking as it may seem, an extreme calmness set it and I started taking steps to save my children. Fortunately, I had a drill that I had practiced many times before because after all, I lived in a State of Earthquakes so my housekeeper and I knew what each other’s responsibilities where. Of course, she slept on the other side of the house past the hallway and the kitchen!
I grabbed my 3 weeks old newborn daughter woke up the other 2 children and without alarming them to much instructed them to put on their slippers and grabbing as many hands as possible directed them towards the sliding glass door. I found myself calling out for the housekeeper shouting the house was on fire. She looked horrified and just stood there without moving, frozen in fear. I couldn’t leave the children outside alone they were only 2 ½ and 4 ½ years old at the time and “What about the pool???”
I had to go back and get her. Pressure and confusion started setting in when again I heard a little voice saying “Look at the smoke on the roof” then I understood that the children would be so busy looking up at the smoke that they wouldn’t notice the pool. The smoke was thick and without much effort you could even imagine shape formations slowly moving across the roof. Once the housekeeper and the children where outside, I went back inside the house to call 911.
I have countless times imagined what I would do in an emergency like this and always imagined myself dialing 611 instead of 911. (611) is the number for information and (911) is for emergencies and that is exactly what I did. Finally I redialed and reached 911 giving them a quick explanation on where my house was located. Fearing that the roof would collapse but also having a knowingness that I was forgetting something as well as I wanted to open up the windows so there wouldn’t be so much smoke damage and the front door to prevent the firemen from destroying it as you sometimes see in the movies, I went back in the house.
As I was walking back into the house I could hear a rumbling sound and a faint whimper. I followed the whimper which appeared to be coming from one of the bedrooms so I headed towards the hallway where I noticed light from the active flames through the seams of the door which housed the furnace. O My God! It was my dog Figaro who had crawled underneath the bed and was soaked with fear. It took what seemed to be several minutes to get him out. Figaro scrambled from underneath the bed and instinctively headed towards the sliding glass doors which led to the backyard.
I hurriedly opened the windows and again, that little voice inside of me said: “Forget the windows, just get out”. As I was headed back towards the hallway the rumbling noise was much louder and just as I was approaching the closet in the hallway I felt something push me quite hard because it caused me to fall forward on my knees. The “Little Voice Inside of Me” was no longer a voice it was a powerfull force pushing me down on my hands and knees. The moment I fell the closet door literally blew open and I
felt an intense heat passing above my entire body headed towards my head and then I clearly saw the flames engulfing everything it could reach followed by a black dense smoke coming at me in slow motion.
As soon as it was possible I got up and headed towards the sliding glass doors with the black dense smoke following behind.
You would imagine that since such an experience, I would from then on listen to “The Little Voice Inside of Me”. At that moment I forgave my FATHER for not being in my life and loved him until he died.

[Reply]

Ed Howes Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 9:21 pm

@Regina Bayma, Great Story! Great Lesson! Could it be we are unforgiving because we are ungrateful for the blessings we have?

[Reply]

Communication

Noone can communicate perfectly to everyone every time,
all the time. I am, frankly, amazed at how often I strike
a chord in so many… and I am never surprised when I don’t.
There are a staggering amount of terrific, enlightened
teachers out there right now who have a lot of great wisdom
to share, and truly it’s a matter of who you -as they so
often say – resonate with.

It is always such a relief to me that there are so many
wiser and more skilled than me in so many different areas.
The field is so rich right now, it is truly a renaissance
period we are in. It’s a time for broadening and stretching understanding as opposed to remaining safely within a
religious, social or psychological structure of teaching/
learning.

It is also time to remember our direct embodied connection
with nature and the Earth, and to understand this “knowing”
requires no discipline or effort, but merely a heart felt
acceptance that we are connected, and there is unlimited
possibility in this connection. I hope everyone
understands this and revels in it. We can all tap in,
and the more we all do, the more exciting existence
gets. The more potentialities open up for the
individual who can embrace this.

And then, of course, I always envy the individual
who is focused and driven by a calling. Its always
so wonderfully clear and exciting when you get
on that path… but it should be a path arrived
at by a flexible openness to all that’s possible,
not one born of desperation and fear; a thought
process which says, “This is the only path
for me, so I must take it.”. That is never so,
there is this grace given to us within the
parameters of our humanity, and we should
all take advantage of it to the extent that
we are able.

Sometimes I feel I haven’t been kind or compassionate
enough to those who are offering assistance and
emotional support. My strange circumstances have
caused me to want to keep to myself as much as
possible to deal with the overwhelm, but I would
like tobe able to integrate things better so I
can interact more with all of you. I am thankful
for all you smart, enlightened ones that can
understand and have compassion.

Truly, I have seen my own place as being a door;
not presenting any guidelines on which to structure
a belief system, but to have been here for all to
witness, and in the apprehension of my experiences
to expand awareness of what is possible. Those who
have observed what has happened to me must be able
to say now that if you seek it, doors will open to
you beyond your wildest imaginings in accordance to
your own soul’s purpose. But what will you offer
in order for these doors to open ? I would say love.

Joy to you on your paths !
With love,
Gail

[Reply]

Ed Howes Reply:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:11 pm

@Gail Lloyd, Great story. It is a response to many stories on both threads here. I hope it gets the attention it deserves. So welcome to the great global awakening and I am glad you are here with us.

[Reply]

Gail Lloyd Reply:
July 30th, 2009 at 10:38 pm

@Ed Howes, Thank you Ed. You are very attentive to all of us here. I’m happy for the encouragement. love, Gail

[Reply]

Hi Chris, I was not able to watch the video once it was downloaded

[Reply]

How odd that I received this link in my facebook inbox on the day I find out my father has molested my daughter….forgiveness, compassion, stories…I know it seems unbelievable, at least to me, that my inner voice was saying all those things to me before I received the link. I had just told my husband that people are trying to make me hate my father, and I am told by society, by law and other ways that I should, but I can’t. I still love my dad, and the reason I still felt that way was that I understood his story. I understood what pain and unknown story he had that had to lead to this….not that I condone it or ever plan to have him in my life or hers again, but the forgiveness comes with the understanding. I don’t want to live full of hate and anger, I don’t want to show that to her either…I want her to see that humanness has a price but that people do what they do and not always for the apparent reason. That the branches of the tree limbs, the branching of the root systems, the rivers and streams that branch out, and more…look around closely at the world… it branches out…. and so our lives branch, so no one thing is ever what it seems, it is always attached to another story, and leading another direction and on and on….so struggling with forgiveness I find for myself and my daughter the struggle ends now…we won’t forget and we won’t travel that path again, but we won’t live with hearts full of hate and pain either….tell your stories, but look into the hearts of others…what is the saying, even the dull and ignorant, they too have their story…thanks for letting me share.

[Reply]

Ed Howes Reply:
July 31st, 2009 at 12:15 am

@Carrie, Thank you for sharing with us. You are wise beyond your years and I sense you and your daughter will heal quickly because of this. It is, at the very least, my desire for your healing.

[Reply]

And so here it is, the starting of something or perhaps once again the vague flapping in something concrete’s general direction, time will tell.

Why am I here? what am I doing? These are not me answering the big ones, this is just me explaining out loud what I am trying to attempt here and why.

I recently came across a site called inscribe your life, presented by Chris Cade:
http://www.inscribeyourlife.com/
I have been, allegedly, on spiritual path for around 17 years, reading voraciously and attending courses and classes of every stripe fashion and fad. I am an ART (Advanced Reiki Training) practitioner a supposed Firemaster (Firewalking Instructor) and a wealth and repository of intellectual information on quantum physics, the spiritual path, comparative religion, metaphysics, conspiracy….you get the picture, you name it I’d read a book or three on it and retained information to regurgitate on command, I had an opinion about everything and here’s the kicker, experiential knowledge of nothing. I did not meditate telling myself as well as others that my mind was too busy to let me. I attended course after course only to leave the handouts, worksheets and excercises in piles under my sofa, oh yes, but of course speaking ‘authoritatively’ on each and every one of them, I KNEW about it ALL but grokked nothing (Grok – Stranger in a strange Land – Robert Heinlen – It remains the best word. for me. that I have ever encountered that clearly speaks of knowledge and understanding of something at a mental, physical, emotional and spiritual quantum level).
I ranged from the kooky – Carlos Casteneda to the spooky Boris Mouravieff, the mad Shape shifitng lizards to the bad Mind Control by Amargi I sought every form of self improvement I could find, feeling the fear and doing it anyway whilst creatively visualising …….you guessed it, nothing Until I found myself……well, I shall leave that to the story below.
Suffice it to say the Universe came a knocking, demanding congruence in the true Rogerian manner, time to walk the talk as my Firewalking instructor always used to say. How that came about and why, I have lain out, for better or for worse, below.

It was with the reading and viewing of Chis Cade’s site that I have opted to make a stand and finally put pen to paper (even if only metaphorically) and try to get out what’s in my head, trying to understand for myself what happened and who and what I am and hopefully what I am supposed to do and where I am supposed to be, thus this blog, this admission, this laying bare…..we shall see eh! Hey ho!
My Story
I shall not go into deep background, I was at boarding school from 6 years old, my parents divorced, both have remarried to very different but nevertheless splendid people, no abuse, no violence, no abject poverty, not many friends, a brotherly bust up that is now 18 years long, a loving but eternally worried father and more recently a very organised and eminently capable step mother, a no nonsense and equally loving mother and stepfather open, warm and supportive all.
I am a village boy, born and bred with illusions of grandeur and an enhanced (or perhaps over exaggerated would be more accurate) view of my own capabilities fostered by the eternal line of my early years and school life ‘You can do anything or be anything you want to Adam’, the only problem being I never had any idea who or what that was, beyond being accepted, something I do not believe I ever achieved either publicly or personally to this day. I was an over achiever at under achieving and seem to have retained that through to today. Enough. I think you get the picture, let’s move on.

Luck has smiled on me throughout my life, despite my best attempts to trip it up, I ran a hotel in the UK, badly, then met a family who invited me to live with them in Hong Kong, I jumped at the chance and truly changed my life, there is no doubt in my mind that if I had remained in the UK I would either be a traveller or dead as of today, hey ho, irrelevant in the extreme. I shall forever be grateful to Nick and Sara, more on this later perhaps.
Hong Kong treated me well, I lived as I had always done from minute to minute, no plan, no overview, no intention and no care, a blizzard of indulgence; I was heavily into alcohol and drugs for all this time, and indulged in utter self disregard, but I was always asking bigger questions. I began reading two or three books a week, using the ‘reading on the hoof’ technique to navigate Hong Kong’s busy streets; it’s amazing who will move for you when they think you’re not looking! I starting attending courses and ‘bettering’ myself, while continuing to spend every day in a haze. I turned up for work, which is about all that can be said there, and was paid. I built a persona and enjoyed a lifestyle, hiding in various relationships until wham – I attended a course at the New Age bookshop (when it was decently run by Sally Anderson) Stalking the Shadow with Luis de La Lama, with a vague Castaneda connection, a truly magnetic presence and a persistent love of the ladies that marked him out! There, at this course, I had ‘that’ moment, for those of you who have loved at first sight you will know exactly what that moment is!
I was very hung-over, still stoned (perennially) and late, I slammed through the door only to be stopped cold and in my tracks by the lady in calf boots and blue net top with purple hair.
As an aside I commonly explain this moment in rather a sad fashion, I’m a sci-fi fan and loved Babylon 5, in it there is an episode where G’Kar the Naarn ambassador buys some ‘telepathic’ powder from someone, puts it on his hands and grabs Londo, his arch nemesis, in that moment he sees and knows everything both past, present and future related to himself and Londo and spends the next few months writing it all down in a book that becomes biblical in nature for his people. Meeting this woman was that moment for me, I knew then and there I needed to end the relationship I was in, not to start one with this woman, but simply to benefit both me and the other lady involved…aahh I shall not list it all, suffice it to say it scared the living crap out of me and I spent the next two days pretending the section of room she sat in simply didn’t exist, I avoided her like the plague and utterly refused to contemplate that choice at all.
To cut a long story short, we spoke, we got on, we got together and I felt like I could stride in 14 league boots, sod your mere seveners, I could REALLY finally do anything, by her side I felt strong, powerful and, fuck it, all conquering.

I quickly learned that those were just feelings, travels to America, Egypt, Australia, Canada and England ensued with each venue being marginally more disastrous than the last, our son arrived in Canada and we tried, oh we tried, or at least I thought we did.
Resentment began to build, I hated all and every job I undertook to keep us afloat, she hated that I had ‘prevented’ her from carrying on her healing work, we lost a lot of material possessions in a truly disastrous sojourn to Australia, I thought we were going to stay there, she arrived, declared it ‘Canada with a nice climate’ (which meant VERY bad things apparently) and chaos ensued.
Eventually and purely down to her bloody-mindedness and personal fortitude we returned some two years later to Hong Kong and once more began to put down roots. It is time now, however, to bring in an eternal thorn in my side, you see there were some other, immediate complications that persisted over the years that bear acknowledgement: We were never married as she was already married to a Hong Kong Chinese man who had, through their ‘arrangement’, saved her from being deported from Hong Kong, she was living with him when I met her, she was very clear that there had NEVER been any kind of relationship between them and that their arrangement was purely platonic. I, even at the first instance saw otherwise, he was obsessed with her, she might not have viewed herself as his wife but he sure as hell saw her as just that. I commented and asked about this on a large number of occasions initially only to be total in no uncertain terms NO! I trusted her implicitly and quelled my intuition or to be more accurate, killed it, as it would not go away I simply stopped listening to it, an action that was to cost me dearly indeed.
Work was still hard, I am allegedly an intelligent and capable character and yet never managed to find traction in the business sphere, it didn’t help that every job I had arrived on my doorstep rather than my actively having sought something I wanted, I paid the rent and the bills, and very occasionally came short, she got back into her healing work and began to earn as well, making up the short fall and ‘other’; there was however a dichotomy already arising here, what money I earned was ours, what money she earned was hers, this began to niggle. Five years into the relationship, she finally admitted that she and her Chinese husband had actually had a relationship after all, the marriage was still only an arrangement she said but yes, for a while they had been a couple, I was stunned, her explanation was that I would not have understood if she had admitted to it sooner.
Now we were back in Hong Kong, this toy dog of hers (as I came to think of him) moved from where he lived on the main island into a house on the same outlying island as us, and just up the street, he was self employed ad therefore able to arrange his hours as he chose and he chose to spend every waking moment in our house, staying late into the night 3-4 o’clock most, if not every, night and treating the house as his own. He ingratiated himself with our son, actually becoming his best friend, he claimed it was enabling him to enjoy the childhood he never had, something I could easily understand as his upbringing had indeed been pretty thankless and bitter, but it also became apparent to me that it was a ploy on his part to remain vital in this woman’s life, oh yes indeed, the obsession remained and I continued to comment on it, even reaching the stage of asking him not to come around, to stay away from us, and only see our son when he went to his house, I actually begged my partner, not to stop seeing him, but to change her allegiance since in every argument, every discussion and every bad moment, she sided with this man, over and over again, we had a discussion about family, with my saying I thought our; family her me and our son, should come above all others, she disagreed. Again in hindsight I should have seen all this for what it was but I still trusted her implicitly and thought the proverbial sun shone out of her behind! She could in fact do little or no wrong.
Let’s stop for a moment and be clear here, for the record I was neither a good husband nor a good father, but let’s be equally clear, I ALWAYS loved them both with everything I had, I was never unfaithful, violent (although my ex has attempted to paint me as such specific to two separate occassions that I will come to) I did do a number of incredibly stupid things over the years and had for a long time battled a periodic addiction to alcohol, I was a binge drinker.
Throughout our time together I was also a compulsive and habitual computer games player.
I also, being English had difficulty in actually expressing myself, not in thinking the thoughts of how fantastic she looked, how lucky I was, how amazing it was to be with her, all these things that went through my mind daily but they very rarely, if ever, passed my lips.
We home schooled our son, with the ‘we’ meaning she, I wanted to join in but she was adamant she wanted to do it herself and in addition my son and I discovered we didn’t connect particularly well on the being taught level, he was adamant he knew everything there was to know about everything I was adamant he didn’t and treated him like a grown up always, NOT a good technique for any dads out there. I also had a very real growing resentment of yapper dog as I now refer to him and my son’s friendship, they spent endless hours together while I was at work, went on trips, just the three of them, to cinemas, exhibitions, museums and general ‘other’, there were more pictures of the three of them together than of us . I became petulant and childish in my own right, closing myself off, taking myself away and being generally snappish and dismissive whenever he was around or mention of him came up…..ooooh now that helped loads, let me tell you!

Things continued to deteriorate. She took to sleeping on the sofa, we stopped talking hardly at all, she had always regularly told me I was a loser a failure and other such niceties, daily, for ALL our time together, but the vehemence and regularity increased dramatically. She would gainsay everything I said to our son, rewording it and explaining ‘what dad really meant’ she began calling me names in front of him and he began adopting her attitudes, mannerisms and tones towards me directly and in general. I continued to exacerbate the situation by occasionally drinking heavily, I called her names three times in our relationship (right up until then end – more again later) Cow witch and bitch, only when drunk, but hear me here, I was an idiot drunk, idiot, I still have some of the videos she began taking to prove it….and here is where things began to become apparent to me, she DID begin taking videos, she began to have arguments with me knowing people were coming round as she possesses the ability to turn it off in a microsecond, I wear my heart on my sleeve, you know how I feel and what I think always, so people would arrive, see me seething, her the picture of innocent quiet and draw conclusions, hey ho. She began to keep all receipts and to ‘talk’ to her friends about my ‘problems’, all of which I was unaware of.
We had lived on the crumbling edge of poverty our entire time together, make no mistake she stood yes indeed but she always told me, nearly daily, that she wished she hadn’t, ‘if it wasn’t for our son’, ‘you’ve ruined my life’, ‘I can’t see myself with you’, ‘your such a fucking loser’ …..words to live by, we spoke about this on a number of occasions with my asking her to stop it, to stop saying these things in front of our son and for us to have a ‘stop’ phrase we both agreed to, to end the stupid irrational arguments before they started, none of it every happened, In addition she never actually ‘argued’, she would chose a refrain about 2 minutes in and spend the next 20 repeating it and nothing else, over and over and over, no matter what I said no matter where it went. The times she didn’t do this, when she realised that the argument had taken a turn against her point of view she would raise utterly irrelevant totally off topic pieces: my back hurts, my knee hurts etc etc and proceed to make these the CORE of the argument. She took to having major tantrums at the start of the day every weekend, thrashing around screaming and shouting and banging and crashing whilst my son and I sat upstairs waiting for it to end, it was usually about 45 minutes, from which point on the rest of the day could start. All the way through, yapper kept up his vigil and attention.

I really do wish to be clear through out all of this, I am no angel, I was a repeated idiot, I did spend hours and days playing computer, my son became other because rather than DO something about this irritant usurper I simply buried my head and became utterly childish and withdrawn in my own right. I am at no point excusing myself but this writing is about my story from my perspective, hey ho.

Things were indeed very bad, she had told me she was thinking of leaving at that I needed to get my act together, I failed, she went up to shanghai for a week to run a number of courses and earn big money, during her absence I was in town and met Yapper, he asked me to come for a drink, I refused, her persisted, I relented, things started out evenly enough but as the alcohol flowed things began to escalate, it culminated in his telling me whilst looking me in the eye that he had been waiting ten years to see the back of me, that he was going to take my wife and son from me and that he was a better friend and father than I could ever hope to be.
I was beyond gobsmacked, all the little things over the years began to slot into place, the obsession remained indeed, but it had developed into a ‘plan’. From everything he knew of me he fully expected me to reach across the table and glass him, I have never been violent but have always had a temper which I keep very strictly in control, I didn’t do as he hoped I chose instead to leave and think about it all, if I had I recognised immediately that my partner would side only with him with me as the perpetrator. I waited for my partner to return rather than calling her straight away, I sat her down and told her what happened and the level of his obsession, her only words…..’I know’. Needless to say, he claimed no memory of the incident and further claimed if he HAD said anything it was only to wind me up and make fun of me as I took everything so seriously. I know what I heard, I remember what he said and I recall the look in his eye as he did so; true to form she backed him.

We limped on, me now having banned yapper from the house, period, not welcome whilst I was there not welcome when I wasn’t, time passed little changed, she went up to shanghai again and there ensued probably the moment I am least proud of in my entire life: I drank, and I had my son help me do it, having him bring the gin (something I NEVER drank, mostly sticking only to beer), I do not then recall what happened, but it ended up with my son, the one thing in my life I am utterly proud of and totally devoted to, calling his mother at three in the morning sobbing telling her how daddy had told him to ‘fuck off and leave me alone’, as you can clearly imagine, things fell apart very quickly from here indeed such that a little over a year ago my life cataclysmically changed, My Partner and purportedly the ‘love of my life’ left me, taking my 10 year old son, and two dogs with her. It wasn’t totally unexpected yet at the same time was exactly that,.I did not handle it well at all; choosing the path of hurt, pain and reaction, costing myself even more both emotionally and physically and providing all the ammunition she required to achieve the public sense of justification and moral high ground she had so long strived for.

She began to claim I was violent with her, I will lay out the two specific occasions she cites and what I see as having happened.
First, she was shouting at me, calling me names, and into the full swing of her rage, something truly to behold, I did not want to argue, at all, I knew it was all falling apart as was verging on the edge of despair, I walked upstairs in an effort to get away from her, she followed, I went into the bedroom, and began folding and fidgeting with clothes, anything I could occupy my hands with, I repeatedly asked her to stop and leave me alone, she had now adopted her repetitive sing song approach to discussion, over and over, I moved to leave the bedroom she stood in the doorway, extended her had across the doorway under my neck in front of me and continued to go bracing herself in the doorframe, I asked her to move, to let me pass, to let me go outside, she didn’t , our bedroom opened up onto a small landing with the stairs directly opposite, eventually I could take it no more, I put my hands on either of her shoulders, picked her up bodily and shifted her out of the doorway ACROSS the landing, NOT BACK but ACROSS and went for the stairs myself, she began kicking and punching me whilst screaming at me ‘that’s it throw me down the stairs, go on, you bully, you thug’ I just ran, leaving the scene as quickly as I could and leaving the house. I categorically NEVER moved her towards the stairs, I categorically never used any more than the minimum strength necessary to move her and I NEVER touched her beyond that.
We had a rehash some hours later in the kitchen where I ‘showed’ her what she had done to me with the arm under my throat etc, she has now begun to use this incident too as ‘proof’ of my violence, I did not even lay a hand on her this time, not even touching her in ANY way.
The second incident: I came home late mildly drunk, idiot that I am, an argument ensued, I was less restrained in my language so she picked up the phone held it towards me and repeated over and over ‘that’s it I am going to call your mother’ over and over, after about 30-45 seconds of that I stepped forward grabbed her hand and took the phone out of it, I then left and went upstairs. The next day she ‘proudly’ told me, dripping venom that she had gone to the hospital as I had ‘broken’ her hand, I had not, but I clearly admit it was bruised where I had grabbed it against the phone and wrested it from her. Again I claim the use of minimal force in a very specific manner to a very specific end that had not direct harm meant to her in any way.

I never condone violence, I recognise I have a capacity for it but have had it under control since I was ten, I do not get into fights having had one in my life since I was 10 and even then didn’t realise it was a fight until the guy was punching me repeatedly, I have never ever hit a woman, it is utter anathema to who I perceive myself to be. I write this not for absolution, although clearly there is an aspect of that involved, but more to get it out, get it on paper, look at it and see what or how I feel about it. I know what I did and more importantly where accusation is concerned, what I didn’t do and that is all I can cling to, it’s not about justification so much as about self acceptance, knowing what truly is my shit and what somebody else is foisting on me to wear for their own reasons.

To end this portion, I was very hurt and very childish about what ensued: she claimed everything in the house, all my money had gone to pay the rent and the bills so it had indeed been ‘her’ money that paid for things, but no recognition of the dead money for rent and living was ever made. We had a credit card that, with the exception of 8,000 HK dollars had only ever been used for the family, I was left with this debt too.
I persisted in the childishness and petulance, wanting some kind of recognition, some kind of justice, some kind of revelation that I wasn’t the demon she was portraying me as to all and sundry, guess what, I didn’t get it and my actions exacerbated the situation beyond measure with the one that truly matters to me, my son. I withheld thing sof his, only for a day and only out of the petulance, but it was enough, it provided confirmation of the halftruths, lies and exaggerations he was being fed and qualified and quantified his ambivalence towards me…..all avoidably self inflicted.
I did other stupid things, like finally giving yapper what he wanted and crashing my bicycle into him, probably the most pathetic attempt at ‘action’ ever, my son was with him at the time, adding to his developing perception of me, of course yapper went to the police etc etc, they ended up finishing it quietly as it was in truth a truly sad scene not worthy of the CID’s time or attention. The upshot of all of this, my son doesn’t recall any of his mother’s tantrums or name calling, any of the conversations we had, any of the times he expressed his fear of her, or his love for me, any of the fun we had together, or the fact that I truly love him unconditionally, to him I am indeed the devil incarnate and he will not speak to me. Hey ho.

And so we arrive near the end of this tale; I ran away, I knew she would get involved with someone quickly despite all her promises and large statements that I was the only man for her, ‘if she wasn’t with me she wouldn’t be with anyone’, which she duly did within two months of my departure, it is who she is and I knew I couldn’t watch, I also knew that poor yapper was once more to be disappointed, he is only her castrated plaything, never to be more, but he will forever persist and die trying and she will forever keep him there, leashed at her feet, alone and unloved but for his love for her. I knew I could not watch my son walking with them and seeing me and feeling disdain and so I ran.
I left my home of 17 years and moved to another country, where I now find myself, alone, in a foreign country, no money, no prospects and no family; nowhere to go, no idea what to do and wondering how all this came to pass and how I allowed it all to happen, second guessing my choices and second guessing my second guesses, bereft of the intuition I had so effectively neutered, my ability to choose blighted by my own indifference, my head so chock full of facts figures and foibles that it baffles and drowns my heart.
I know intellectually the road forward, the passage of forgiveness, the opportunity to learn, to grow, to expand, to become something more than the sum of the experiences we have, in fact to become the realisation that it really is ‘just a ride’, that everything happens for a reason, to carry us to bigger and better things and that it is only those who refuse to move, those that refuse to greet the learning. to welcome the change, to grow into new beginnings, they are the only ones that truly fail, and yet as I read back through this and feel the frustration, the pain, the horror, the upset, the shear desperation of it all once more slipping through my fingers I realise quite clearly that right now I AM one of those other.
All the work I have done, all the understandings I have absorbed are for nothing if I choose not to put them into action, if I choose not to learn, not to shift, not to forgive…..and yet…….

I shall post this on the ‘inscribe your life’ site and on myspace and see what comes. I believe I may start to write more and move away from self pity and justification to the true forgiveness I seek, but I find it so hard to fathom, there is no world I seem to be able to see that can forgive the underhandedness of yapper, the betrayal by the woman I ‘loved’ and the utter rejection my son has chosen, yet there must be, there has to be for any fresh choices to emerge and indeed for me to ever be able to build a relationship with my boy, ah me, hey ho.

I have made a mind movie, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOXo4RIkIxE and started a journal, I love the single song from the album Dark Horse by Nickleback, ‘if today was your last day’ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gDjcfCp5nU
I’m trying not to stay in old patterns, but they creep up on me everyday, it’s all about awareness, as it ever was, as the saying goes:
Choose a higher, more expanded thought right now, and right now, and right now, and right now…
But it sure is hard!

And so we ride

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 31st, 2009 at 12:09 am

@Adam H W, Thanks for sharing. I have not read all of the stories here but most of them. This is, hands down, the most artistic I have so far read. Since I have been scrolling up from the bottom of the page I saw the length of the story and dreaded reading it. I even scrolled back down to the links to take a break from reading before I started. Enjoyed the mind movie and the Nickelback video, thank you. When you have processed all this I would love to hear the lessons you have drawn, since they seem mostly implied as though you are vaguely aware of your role in the story. Great writing all the same. I’m an admirer. I accept you without reservation and I like you. Does this do anything at all for you?

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Adam H W Reply:
July 31st, 2009 at 1:34 am

@Ed Howes, Strangely and quite worryingly for me, yes it does, markedly so, I realise with those few final words from you that I really don’t like myself much for what I did, for what I didn’t do, for what I allowed to happen and for breaking my vow that I would never let me son be from a broken home. D-day has arrived toady is my last day, tomorrow I am officially without a home in a country tthat won’t have me in a state I can’t manage, but the things is, I have to, you have to keep getting up, reading JWs story and how he recognises he gave up resonated enormously with me, I have heard myself say it, often, I have lost everything, there is no point anymore, but that’s not the point is it, the point is to LEARN, to grow, to move and you can’t do that lieing down, so I have to get up, forgive myself, face my shadow accept it and stand……..Thanks ed I don’t think I realised how goddamn lonely I am until you said that

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Gail Lloyd Reply:
July 31st, 2009 at 1:55 am

@Adam H W, you are a fiend… carry on !

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Ed Howes Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 9:36 pm

@Gail Lloyd, Maybe a friend too?

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Chris,
Thanks to the both of you for this video this morning. I am in the middle of going through a very painful experience with someone I have been in a relationship for almost a year now. And the dreams I had last night were so repulsive, having to do with this persons behavior that I woke feeling very defeated and just plain sad. Off and on in the past 2 months most especially I have tried working on the forgiveness of what has gone down only to keep having to forgive over and over again because this person keeps behaving in a way that is without love or compassion. I really needed to see this this morning to help center myself again and to try once again to just let go and realize that both him and I have our wounds and for some crazy reason I keep hoping the ending will turn out differently. I am tired of being stuck in a place that hurts so deeply. I am a cancer survivor and I know better that I do not need this kind of stress and the detrimental effects it can have on me when I don’t do those things that can get me to a better place emotionally. But also because I love this person so much I want him to have that peace of mind as well..but I have to realize that he may never have it…or it simply won’t be with me…at least this is how it appears to me. And at one point in the course of our relationship I hurt him deeply, because I didn’t think I could live with his behavior any longer…and to this day I do not believe he has ever truly forgiven me for that and I in turn myself. But I know I cannot control what he thinks or does ..but I can control myself and give myself the forgiveness I so want from him. Thank you.

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 30th, 2009 at 10:51 pm

@Paula, Thank you for this story. Maybe you should ask for his forgiveness if you are not convinced of it. Then whether he does or not, you could ask if he thinks you both might benefit from separating for a while – an indefinite period until one wants to talk about it after a reasonable time has passed, perhaps a few months. Separations can be very healthy and promote a lot of growth for both partners.

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The limit with the LANDMARK FORUM work from my perspective is it lacks ’soul’,compassion. Many graduates seem cold, on auto-pilot, in their head, highly neutral and intellectual, lacking warmth and emotion. Understanding how to deconstruct our story and seeing the meaning it holds is really what we have given it, and learning how to transcend it IS powerful. There are many tools and the Forum is one that does work, though the balance then seems to tip on the other end of the scale…Loving ourselves is healing and Blissful. Forgiveness is freedom.

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Dear Cris
on the theme of forgiveness, one of the biggest things i have had to forgive in my life has been intricately involved in haeling the relationship between my mother and myself and the struggles that insued unconciously between us.
My dear mum has an inability to throw almost anything away. So as you acn imagine our home is sky high and knee deep.
there is very littel space to sit and even less space physically and emotionally to ‘be’.
i have faught so hard, screamedand struggeld internally like a fierce baby on the brink of a breakdown.
when i slowed down and looked closer at myslef, peered somtimes nosily into why i was behaving in certain ways , looked at who i was benfiting, who i was hurting and the reverbarating consequences of my actions and angers at my family.
when i began to ,(and as im writting this i feel something healing too, i feel a responsibility which ive shunned so many times) let go of my responibility in my mothers chaos, when i began to become responsible in supporting her and not closing my ears and fighting her, we began to heal.
I realise she wants so dearly to help others, she will save an article from 1984 just incase it come inusefull someday or perhaps has had a conversation with a near stranger about lets say, .. spelt flour, she will keep anthing she finds relating to that conversation with hope that she will see them again.
plastic bags, old magazines, flower pots of all shapes and sizes, blankets (however moth eaten) old clothers , mattresses, rusty microwaves…. and so on.

a brirf image paints how full our home may be , but in a day and age where consumerism and disposable culture reigns , i see , she sees a use in everything.
she cannot bear the burden of waste, and i love that in mum.
she sees a potential in almost anything.
her vision is exceptional, others near by experiance it in a way that appears as though she is blinded.
and in a way she is, the physical dimension and her dream temple have not seen eye to eye, i wish her peace and creative clarity, i wish her acceptance in resolution and accepatnce of the bounty she is puely in herself.
she is beautiful and unique she is love

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Loved it!! The law mower in the background was very distracting, but it worked.

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I’m 52, very very young! and have been writing my stories since I was 13 ! It began with diaries,when my parents had split up, I stopped for a while, then began again as I went off to travel to Australia (aged 18) where I lived for two years, going on for another year through south East Asia, India and Nepal. An account of my experiences and the teachings I received in a Buddhist monestary on the outskirts of Nepal. There were quite a few gaps in the writing, but then a really big one
of 10 years, followed by years of endless ‘conversations with myself’.
If I had not written as I did over those following years, I don’t know how I would have survived the traumas of my marriage to a man who became very mentally unstable as we battled through life raising three kids.
I had learnt so much from my early experiences in Nepal especially. I learnt to look at myself, to listen to my inner voice, to look at my own reactions and to forgive the man I loved so much. I know he never meant to hurt me, I didn’t allow any of the abuse to make me feel bad. I knew it was all because of ‘his story’. Oh boy did I forgive! Yes, and myself.
I did try to help him, he had helped me initially to help myself by taking full responsibility for myself. And I thank him, I really thank him with all my heart for all the truths that I have been able to learn through my time with him, and all the insights I have gained about the workings of the human psyche.
I wrote and wrote and wrote, because I couldn’t tell anyone what was going on.
I will put it all into a book soon, because I want to help others to learn something about themselves from the stories that I will tell, it will also help me to finally, and completely move on, leave it all behind.
I feel blessed in so many ways. I had a lot to learn and have so much more still to learn, it will never stop.
The most beautiful part is that I still love him, although we are now separated we are still loving, and we have three great kids, who, even though they experienced a very tough childhood, have come out strong and wise as a result. I am glad for them that they have learnt empathy, caring love and forgiveness too.
We all need and have experiences, and we don’t need to label them or judge them as good or bad, we can learn from them all, about ourselves and to watch!
So this is to say ‘thank you’, thank you for my life, thank you for this beautiful world and all the people in it each of whom we have something to learn from.
I have learnt about love, appreciation, acceptance, forgiveness and a million other things through experiencing all that I have. there is more to come…… I love life, love writing and love what you are doing here.
One last thing; who is this Ed Hoyes guy who keeps commenting on everyone’s letters? Is he just bored and needs to say something all the time or is looking for some kind of recognition? Humm?
‘Thank you’ are the two most precious words in my vocabulary and bring abundance into my life.
So…………… ‘thank you’.

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Ed Howes Reply:
July 30th, 2009 at 10:07 pm

@Janey Jewson, Love your story Janey. It is also the first successful separation story I’ve read and there are a few who need to see that is not the end of the world. I want to read your book when it is published or before, if possible.

As you read through these two threads you will see I have already received my recognition and no lie, it pleases me. But I am still commenting on posts and comments both. Why? Because there are still many posts with no comments on them. Chris has been overwhelmed and cannot keep up. I don’t want anyone to write a story and feel no one has bothered to read it. When I comment, the writer has proof one person read it and might come back to comment on my comment. I love Chris, this work and the people it has attracted and I have time to invest in something I fiercely believe in. Now you have to comment and say something nice, huh?

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Janey Jewson Reply:
August 7th, 2009 at 5:37 pm

I know this is a very late response to your kind comment, it has taken me ages to get to reply.
Thank you I really do appreciate knowing that someone has read my story, and yes, if I get organized enough I will let you read my book before it is published. You don’t happen to have a door to that particular world by any chance?
I have changed what I was going to say in reply after realizing that I was boring myself with a long diatribe on the universal source of all creation and how it is within each of us.
I was rambling on as one does, and then decided after almost falling to sleep whilst reading it to my friend who had also glazed over, to simplify it. After all indeed, that is what it was about; simplicity.
The reason I believe we suffer and find ourselves thinking about forgiving ourselves and others at all, is because we have all forgotten that we are not separate beings, we have forgotten that we have all come from the same creative source. If we were to recognize the God in ourselves we would be able to see it in others too, and in everything else, in all of creation in fact.
The deepest most profound healing we can have, I believe, is when we allow ourselves to be loved and to receive it with gratitude. Many people think of this as selfish, it is not.
Many of us will readily go out of our way to give love and to ‘help’ others. But how many of us will open to receiving that love ourselves?
I love my partner, but I knew he did not love himself. He would give endlessly, beautifully, but he could not receive my love. As a result we had an unhappy relationship.
He would give continuously, at home with his helping actions, and outside of the family he would appear as ‘the most loving person one could ever meet’. He would ‘be there’ for anyone. He attracted complete strangers who were in need of pouring their hearts out, and he would unconditionally listen to them with love, it poured from his eyes, you could feel his warmth. But he would come home empty and all he could really give was helpful actions in the house.
They were appreciated of course, but because he had no way of effectivley recharging his batteries he considered what he did as ’sacrifices’. He was exhausted.
It is impossible to love the people closest to you if you can’t love yourself. In truth I don’t think my partner knew how to receive in the way he needed to. This meant that I was left unable to give to him although I tried; you can’t give something to someone who cannot receive. (the ‘old horse to water’ adage).
So what happened? he got drunk or stoned (or both) and angry. Very very angry sometimes. That naturally led to caution. We never knew when he would get angry or be sarcastic or talk in the ‘double speak’ way that he did. It could happen at any time. so none of us were able to be totally honest about how we felt. He ruled the house.

So what I am trying to say is that ultimately, we each need to learn, (and I have to do this too), that we are all worthy of love, despite what we might have learnt in our childhoods,
and if we can receive as much as we can give, we will begin to be healed.

Let’s all have some love lessons! Lets learn to love ourselves. Forget what other people say, we are all worthy. What a beautiful world it would be if we could recognize the love in ourselves, the love that created us and is within us all and in the whole of creation.

Well that is enough for now.
Thank you for listening.
Love Janey

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Chris Cade Reply:
August 7th, 2009 at 5:41 pm

Hi Janey – Thank you for sharing your insights I don’t yet have a relationship with the publishing world; though I intend to change that when I release my printed book “Think Without the Box” — soon I will be sending it to publishers.

Ed Howes Reply:
August 7th, 2009 at 5:53 pm

@Janey Jewson, Hey Janey, what is a week between friends? Thanks for sharing more with us. It is worth the wait. I don’t know anything about the current state of affairs in publishing. It used to be self publishing was cheaper but cost on the sales end. I think self publishing is moving toward partnership with marketers but I’m only guessing. It was not too long ago I learned an interesting technique to stimulate self love. Every day, tell your heart how much you love it and all it does for you – out loud. This will both soften it and open it so it will love all creation unconditionally. Worth a try?

Adam H W Reply:
August 11th, 2009 at 11:28 pm

@Janey Jewson, Read your reply and it struck me very hard, I am beginning to think that your description of the man and his inability to accept love might be a lot closer to home than I necessarily like, thank you, more to ponder, adjustments to be made, story to be rewritten.

Hi,
Thank you for that wonderful message. Watching the video was as if the message was meant just for me.
I am currently going through a traumatic phase is my life. Talking about forgiveness, I am confused. I have always believed in forgiving and forgetting but cant understand why my life story continues on the same track.
My dad was and is a very dominant figure in my life, intimidating and crtitsing me, never satisfied with whatever I did. I yearned to find a relationship where I could get out and enjoy sharing, loving and being me. I prayed too hard and got hitched to a person who wants to be in control of me even more and continue my dad’s drama.
47 years down the road and life has not changed. Watching your video makes me wonder whether I have really forgiven, whether i really understand forgiveness and whether I can change the story of my life. I am in the process of trying to get out of my relationship to `start writing my story’ again. and your program seems like it was God sent to me. I am hoping I can afford to get it ( I am currently out of a job and low on funds – another saga of my life) and that it will work for me.
All my meditations and spiritual guidance, though gives me strength to take life one step at a time is really testing me but I will and must survive. i think I have to put a stop on my generation story here and now. I could be used as an ideal example of how powerful the Law of Attraction and Universal laws are.
Thank you again for that wonderful message and may I be successful in writing my story right with guidance.

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Ed Howes Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 12:01 am

@Sujata, Thanks for your story. All roads lead to Rome, or in this case, our personal growth. The short cut here, happens to be a toll road with a price. Just as the long road also has a price.(Your time) Either way, you won’t get to Rome without paying the price.

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My Dear Inscriber Brothers and Sisters,

Week before last, I was reading reader reviews of Deepak Chopra’s Seven Spiritual Laws of Success at Amazon and I was blessed to read a 3 star review – lukewarm. In a nutshell, the reviewer said this: The wisdom contained between the covers of this book is priceless – but the book itself is overpriced…… And such is the state of modern Western values. We have no idea what it’s worth. Only what it costs. If I were to pay for the friends I am making here, what is a fair price?

Some years ago I was marketing organic produce in my small town. Here is how I set my prices. Take what you want, pay what you will. People practically begged me to set a price because if they did it, one of us would surely be cheated. So I would say it costs us an average of $1 per pound. “Where are your scales?” We don’t use them. “How much for these squashes?”

So let’s get right down to it. What is Chris worth? About $5,000 a year? What would I pay him if I was spending my money? What would I pay him if I was spending yours? Go ahead and guess. The way I see it, this is such a righteous work, whatever I invest will be returned as cash, perhaps multiplied and all the other blessings cost my very valuable time. I knew there was a catch, didn’t you? Hope to see you on the inside AND the outside, doing good for others and growing mighty.

Let us daily increase in: wisdom, love, gratitude, reverence, healing, peace, joy, happiness, laughter and prosperity.

Love and Blessings X 10,

Ed

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Easwaran Reply:
July 31st, 2009 at 9:57 pm

@Ed Howes,
My Beloved Brother
greeings
i welcome you with great love. you are awesome. your trading secret amazes me.May you live and love in abundance
love
easwaran
India

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Ed Howes Reply:
August 1st, 2009 at 12:44 am

@Easwaran, Thank you my brother. I accept your love and your blessing with gratitude. Let us all daily increase in: wisdom, love, gratitude, reverence, healing, peace, joy, happiness, laughter and prosperity.

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